observations

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I’m going to write a rather lighthearted blog today. Life and my film have been filling me with lots of seriousness, so this blog is not going to…

I love to observe people. Hands down my favorite thing to do besides making films and sometimes, I observe little quirks and oddities about others that stay with me or deal with matters that make me think.  And FYI, I’m including myself in this mix. I constantly observe myself as well. So, I’ve decided to offer some of my observations to my readers. Maybe you’ll relate. Maybe you’ll be grossed out. Maybe you’ll pause and think. Who knows but I thought this would be interesting…

A Few Of My Observations

People often blow their nose and then look into the tissue at it.

When some people lie, they talk very fast.

Some eat each thing on their plate separately. First the meat, then the vegetables, then the potato…

Practically everyone has a cell phone. From senior citizens to young children.

Actual books are being replaced by computers. This depresses me.

Parking meters are increasingly becoming more expensive, to the point that they now accept credit cards.

Vulnerability for people is almost as great a fear as death is.

There are hardly any empty seats on airplanes these days. Remember when you would fly and be able to stretch across the whole aisle?

People often get surprised when you tell them the honest truth.

Most people do not tell others the honest truth.

Kids are constantly asking their parents to buy them things in stores, and parents are constantly coming up with reasons why they won’t.

Yoga makes some people sweat more than I thought was possible.

If you tell someone something they are trying not to face up to, they can get very upset with you.

Picking your teeth can be just as gross as picking your nose. Maybe grosser.

needs vs wants

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About eight years ago, I dated a guy who mentioned to me something about needs being different from wants. I didn’t think much of it then but it came into my head today when I started thinking about my own needs and wants.

I want to drive a BMW. I love those cars and how much faster they are then my current car, a Nissan Sentra, but do I need it? No, my life probably wouldn’t be much different other than enjoying driving a bit more than I do now…

It’s no secret I want to make films but do I NEED to? Well, that’s debatable. I won’t exactly die if I don’t but I wouldn’t be happy, at all, and would pretty much wish I was dead, so do I need it? One could argue, yes.

I’m not the biggest eater out there but I enjoy a good meal. Do I need to eat food? Well, yes, I absolutely do or I will perish into a corpse.

I suppose wants are those things that we don’t necessarily need but would like to have. And needs are those things that come down to a life or death situation. And then there are some things that one learns are not just a want but a requirement for one’s life to have meaning and those, I believe, are part of the need category in terms of life fulfillment. At least, that’s how I’m going to define them.

So, I’ve been thinking about what I want and need and how often the two intertwine, for better or worse. Take for example you meet someone. You want to get to know them. You don’t exactly need to get to know them, life will move on regardless, but say you get the opportunity to get to know them and you’re stoked but then you learn they don’t want to get to know you in the same way. So, you’re faced to realize the truth of that. You still want to get to know them but you know the reality of it isn’t what you need, from prior experience. Here comes the internal dilemma… In this case, do you focus on the basic want and take what you can OR do you pay attention to the reality of it, knowing it’s not what you need and in the long run isn’t good for you? Do you ignore what you need and just go for the want, letting the consequences fall where they may? Or do you ignore the want and stick with what you need? It’s a tricky question. And one everyone needs to answer for oneself…

I had this debate going on in my head, so I asked myself, what am I willing to sacrifice to get what I want? It’s like in that film (and book!) THE ROAD. The father and son need to eat but the son wants to give some of their food to those who have nothing, despite the fact he and his dad need it. Who prevails? Hah, sorry, I don’t spoil. Watch the film or read the book to find out… but the point is our wants sometimes can defy our needs but perhaps its meaning that gives one the answer of what to focus on…

Wants vs needs… can be an interesting internal conflict.

An open letter to those who support me/my films

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Anyone who knows me knows I am about to shoot my latest short film in a couple of weeks. And most of those who know me know that besides those who I love, this is single-handedly the most important thing in my life. Some people have kids, I make films. And each time I do, I feel it’s like giving birth in a sense. I create something that I try to raise right but then must let it go out into the world and hope I did the best job I could with it. I realize children are different from making films but I think the analogy works for me. And like creating life, making films is not something one can do alone. I can’t imagine anyone being able to do so. It doesn’t seem humanely possible. In my experience, a whole lot of people are involved…

I have been overwhelmed by those who have chosen to be a part of my latest short film. Some have come to me on their own to be a part of it, some I have offered the opportunity to do so. I believe in asking no favors though. I only ask questions and offer opportunities, leaving it up to others to choose whether they want to be a part of it or not. The response has made me practically speechless. I feel truly fortunate and I only hope I can give back and create a film that everyone will be proud to be a part of and will hopefully make them think, as that is my ultimate goal for every film I make.

So, I’ve been thinking about gratitude. From those who believe in me and my stories by offering finance for their creation to those who are willing to come out early in the morning and get to work to make this story come to life. I hope everyone involved will get something out of it for themselves, whether it be payment or some other type of fulfillment.

I am truly grateful for all those who support my filmmaking and/or are a part of it.

I would be much farther from my goals without them.

As I move toward shooting, I come across obstacles often. Every minute, it seems :) But then, I’ve learned that when one door closes, another one will often open if we look for it.

I’ve chosen one of the most difficult careers a person can choose. In fact, just today, when someone found out I’m a filmmaker,  he asked me if I was able to support myself and if I had food to eat. Not only do I have the most amazing and supportive parents, but when I have this foundation of those who support me in all different ways, I’m standing tall. And I thank you. All of you, who believe in me. I wouldn’t be here without you. I wouldn’t be able to ignore the naysayers, to fight for the dream, to create, to live the life I want. A mere thank you doesn’t feel like enough so please know, I will forever be in your debt. And I will forever hold you in my heart. And my film will forever be what it is because of each of you.

Thank you.

Chemistry

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Unfortunately, I haven’t had much time to write as many blogs as I normally would like to but the reason for that is I am in preproduction on my next short film, YOUR MOVE, and it’s occupying the bulk of my time…

That said, I held auditions last Friday for the two main characters in my short and saw over forty men for both roles. Though all my previous shorts have had female leads, this one is a departure for me in that it is based not on a personal situation but rather a real experience that happened to someone I know and when they told me the story, it mesmerized me and I immediately knew I wanted to use it as the basis for my next short.

As I auditioned one actor after another and narrowed down the choices for callbacks, I started thinking about chemistry and how awesome it is between people. I don’t just mean romantic chemistry but rather the chemical connection between people in which they connect, spark, bounce off each other.

Have you ever been in a room with a stranger and even though you’ve never met before, you can talk perfectly with each other? But then, surely we’ve all been in situations with others where we’re just not feeling it and it’s awkward and uncomfortable and we find ourselves searching for an excuse to get out, right? So, I think a bulk of it comes down to…

Chemistry.

According to my apple dictionary, that means “the emotional or psychological interaction between two people.”

The other day, my friend asked me if she could see my process of narrowing down the casting choices and coming up with the ones I want to see again, and ultimately, the ones I select for the cast. I started to think about it as it’s not something I can easily put into words but realized it has a lot to do with chemistry. My favorite film of all time is YOU CAN COUNT ON ME and had it not been for the chemistry between the two stars, Laura Linney and Mark Ruffalo, and the director capturing their chemistry in context of his beautiful film, I don’t think I would have cared about it anywhere near as much as I do.

Chemistry. It’s powerful stuff.

When I see a couple, I find myself immediately searching for chemistry because when it’s found, it’s beautiful. Sometimes I see it and the energy of it permeates throughout the room. It’s awesome, but other times I don’t and it is what it is. But isn’t life too short not to have chemistry with those we choose to surround ourselves with? Is that rare to come across though? I think so. But is it worth searching for? Hell ya.

And my auditions reminded me the search is part of the fun…

You know you’re from LA when…

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I was in my car today for a long time. And anyone who knows LA traffic knows that Friday afternoons on the 405 can be brutal. Needless to say, I had a lot of time on my hands while driving and I started thinking about the fact that many people aren’t really from here or haven’t been here long. (Yea, driving can really make you realize this.) But hell, I’ve lived in LA almost twenty years but was born on the east coast and grew up there until I was ten, so technically, I’m not from here either. Nonetheless, twenty years is a long time and I feel I’m qualified to speak on being from LA. So, while I was driving, I remembered that comedian who did a bit about “you might be a redneck if…” and I thought I’d make one about LA. So…

You know you’re from LA when…

a celebrity is in back of you in line at Starbucks and all you care about is getting your coffee first.

when there’s traffic, you hope there was accident on the freeway so you can pass it and get back to going eighty miles an hour. (I’m going to hell for this one.)

sigalert means something to you.

you don’t expect to be “discovered” like Marilyn Monroe.

you know smog makes great sunsets.

you expect the weather to be sunny and perfect ninety percent of the year.

you realize earthquakes are a part of life.

and finally, you know you’re from LA when…

you don’t use the term “Cali”.

Positivity

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I know, in my mind and soul, that positivity is a force of moving forward, a force of dealing with things for the better and a healthy way to view life. I know this. And yet…

It’s hard to stay positive sometimes.

When things are not going the way one wants them too, whether it be with relationships, career, love, family or whatever, the circumstances of life can certainly bring one down. Maybe it’s your fault, maybe it’s not. But sometimes, life can be a difficult thing to handle and staying positive generally suffers.

I don’t want to complain. I have been given many gifts in my life, from amazing parents to a healthy upbringing and a great family but sometimes, I think about the struggle I face in making films or the lack of finding a co-pilot for this voyage we call life and I get down. Plain and simple. Not down the way I feel about seeing the government do things I’m against but down in the sense that I wonder if the struggle of living is worth it.

I know in my heart it absolutely is. But sometimes I’ll still doubt this, and I think any thinking person will do so also. Life is not easy, plain and simple, especially in these trying times…

Sometimes, it’s hard to go to sleep. Sometimes, it’s hard to get out of bed. Sometimes, one wants to drink the sorrow away or smoke a bowl and let the sorrow fade from reality but it’s still there when the daze clears, so guess what! Time to fade it away again… I’ve had many vices in my life so I know they cushion problems and negativity. But I also know they aren’t the answer. And I’ve learned DENIAL is one of the biggest vices anyone can have, and perhaps one of the most destructive. To quote the brilliant movie AMERICAN BEAUTY, “Never underestimate the power of denial.”

I wish I had the answers to give but I’m still searching for them myself. I do know that positivity comes back to you and that it’s one of the best protective coats one can put on in times of struggle. Can’t be false though, it has to be real.

It’s what guides me when the location for my next film suddenly becomes unlocked, when the boy I want to know just won’t let me, when I get sad that my career isn’t where I want it to be, when I have to work day jobs to make a living, when I realize I have no one who truly knows me, when I think about how I’m mortal and it’s all a matter of time, when…

Well, I could go on. As could anyone I suppose. But I guess, if this blog is meant to do anything, it’s to let others know they’re not alone when they feel they are alone and scared and sad and negative. And that if I can offer anything from what I learned, it’s that positivity is key. Sure, it may not feel as good as some other vices, but it doesn’t make you sick or unhealthy. In fact, it does just the opposite…

I think we can all use this reminder. I know I can.

Truth with a side of tact

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Sometimes I wonder if I am just a different breed of human than most of those I know.

Do you know the feeling? Or is it just me?

I used to play by certain “societal” rules when I was younger but then, I learned that I disagreed with a lot of them, so in typical Sicilian fashion, I started tossing them aside. Shouldn’t tell someone you don’t like their haircut? Why the hell not, I would think, if it’s horrible?? Shouldn’t make jokes in a time of sadness? Why the hell not, I would think, if it lightens the mood?? Shouldn’t do what you want? Why the hell not if it physically hurts no one and you would be unhappy otherwise?? Shouldn’t say what’s on your mind? Why the hell not if you think it???

Well, I certainly have learned my lesson that there are some sensitive people out there and I quickly got to understand the idea of TACT. Tact by apple definition is “adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues.” And I wholeheartedly agree that it is an important factor in life.

One must have tact, especially if one is going to tell it like it is.

But then, one who tells it like it is needs to deal with those who do so also. Ah…. If only there were more of them.

What if we all went around telling each other how we really felt? Would life be better? Worse? The same?

I venture to guess it would be better. Perhaps not in the short-term, as one deals with the intensity of the truth (told with tact of course) but in the long run, I bet life would be soooooo much better.

Just something to think about…

Inspiration

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I debated writing this blog because I didn’t want it to come off egotistical but then, I remembered someone who had inspired me and I thought, screw it. I’m going to write it and let those who read it decide for themselves if it’s written in vanity…

A couple months ago, a regular who comes into the restaurant I work a few days a week at asked me if anyone has ever painted me. I practically laughed and said no, not thinking much of it. Then, she proceeded to tell me that she’s an artist but she hasn’t been doing any paintings in quite a while and she liked my face and told me I’ve inspired her to start again. She told me how when she and her husband had first met me years ago, she told him that she wanted to paint me. I was humbled by the experience and told her she could paint me if she wanted to. So then, we started talking about it. We met and I asked her some questions about the process and what would be expected of me. Honestly, I really enjoyed talking to her. I can appreciate the artistic process of finding one’s subject. As a filmmaker, I continually find subjects I want to explore in an artistic manner.

Anyway, we set a time and I went and sat for her. It was simple really. She let me sit and read a book, which is something I do all the time. But then, when I saw the first painting of me, I was blown away. It’s not an exact replica or anything, as she is a bit abstract, but she tried to capture a feeling and it was surreal to see the painting and be part of this artistic process for her. She tells me I’ve inspired her to paint and I’m really happy about that. It caused me to remember someone who had inspired me and had actually changed my life.

Years ago, when I was in college, I had a boyfriend for four years. He was my best friend and a great guy but I wasn’t being honest with myself that he really became just a friend to me, and not someone I wanted to be with on a romantic level any longer. Then one day, I crashed an English class where I met a graduate student (I was an undergrad.) He flirted a lot with me but most importantly, he got me to feel what it was like to be attracted to someone again. Not long after, I broke up with my boyfriend, which was one of the hardest things I ever did, and became friends with this grad student. He opened my mind to new music, new films, new books and a whole new way of thinking. I don’t know if he realizes that he did this for me because, I’ll be honest, I’ve never told him, but he truly inspired me. He inspired me to become the filmmaker I want to be. To live the life I want to have and I will forever be grateful for that.

Inspiration comes in many shapes and forms. But where ever one finds it, it’s lasting and memorable. But what I now realize is that it’s true on both sides.

We can inspire and be inspired. And what a beautiful thing that is.

To date or not to date

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That is the question.

I have an amazing father. Smart, respectful, honest and kind. And though I am eternally grateful for him, he has set the bar very high for any guy I could possibly conceive to be with. One would think these traits aren’t THAT hard to come by, and perhaps it’s because I live in LA, but wow. Yeah. These traits are far and few in between and then add that to meeting someone I’m attracted to and whew! We just deleted close to 100% of the men I meet.

Granted, when I was younger, I set the bar much lower. RIP to my ex-boyfriend who has actually not passed away but in all due respect, has passed away in my mind. Is that morbid? I hope not. It’s illustrative. And then, when I got older and moved back to my lovely town of LA, which I actually adore but is not really set up for dating for those of us who like honest relationships, I partook in some innocent and fun flings. But now that I’m getting to the point where I’d rather not get a drink with you but actually work on my career unless it’s going to be worth my time, I’m trying hard not to become cynical. Or make a romantic comedy about it.

Anyway, I digress. As I was driving home tonight, I had a thought while I was listening to Eminem, who mind you is actually quite intelligent and poetic. Sure, maybe not the best to listen to as one is thinking about dating, late after a night out, but still, he’s honest and raw which is more than I can say for most people. And he made me think, and I like that. Lately, people have been asking me about dating. Am I dating someone? Who? Why not? And not that I feel on the spot, but I realize it’s valid for them to ask considering I’m 33 and have not really made dating a priority in the past several years. And when I do consider it, I seem to like those who are completely wrong for me…

Sometimes I wonder, is dating worth it if it’s not what is one’s top priority? It’s an issue I’ve grappled with for quite a while. As all my friends start to get married, I find myself caring more about my film getting finance than meeting a guy to go out with. Is dating in LA the problem or is it me? Is it because I’m a filmmaker trying to succeed in this crazy business, as are three-quarters of the men I meet, who seem to mostly talk about filmmaking rather than do it so relationships with them are mostly out of the question or do I not care enough about dating? I see my friends who bend over backwards to make the guys or girls in their life happy and I wonder, should it be that hard? Is love something we need to work at or is it something that happens naturally when it’s with the right one? And rather than give a shit about the guy who doesn’t call you or the girl who doesn’t return your text, why not just move on and live your life until the right one comes along? Is it so wrong to just be and if it happens, it happens. And if it doesn’t, it doesn’t? I don’t know… but I seem to be moving farther and farther away from caring about cool guys since there are so few. Not asking for pity but just calling a spade a spade.

Honestly, I just want to make my films. Period. I normally keep my head down, or in a book, but sometimes, one will get me out of my hole and I’ll ponder this all over again…

So ladies and gentlemen, I’ll leave you with this thought – do you want to be with just anyone or is it best to just find the thing that makes you happy and go after that and then, if love happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t…

Am I cynical or the voice of reason? You decide for yourself…

Consider the alternative

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This past weekend, my one-and-a-half year old nephew came down with a cold and with that cold, he had a fever of 103.8. And this worried me, greatly. I’ve learned that high fevers are quite common for young babies but still, that didn’t comfort me when I saw my nephew’s checks glow bright red and his eyes droop before he fell asleep in my arms.

Normally, my nephew has the energy level of a speed freak at Disneyland on Christmas. His energy is intense and rivals that of a football player. And considering I babysit him regularly, I know of what I speak. His energy levels me. By the end of a day with my baby nephew, I need a nap. A long one. And while I absolutely love this little man like no one I have ever loved, when he sleeps, I’m happy.

But then came this weekend, and his mopey-ness really brought me down.

And this made me realize that while we may think some things are hectic and trying at times, we should consider the alternative.

While the fact that he sat with me on the couch as we watched some cooking show was pleasant, I was sad that he wasn’t his crazy self because of his cold. No constant hide-n-seek, no trying to go up and down the stairs every second and no dancing to the music I played. Seeing his glassy eyes and sweaty forehead made me want to cry and I realized, I would take his energetic self any day rather than this sad and sick young baby before me.