Recently, I heard some good news about someone I know. And then, today, I heard some sad news about someone I know.

And this lead me to think about the good and the bad in life…

It seems there’s a mix of both involved in everyone’s life. Sure, some may say they have more bad than good, more darkness than light, while others may surmise they’ve had luck guiding them along the way, but the bottom line is there is good and bad in this world and while our choices and actions largely guide that in our own lives, there are some things that are just beyond our control, like natural disasters. (But then it becomes a matter of what one chooses to do about it…)

It’s easy to relish in the good and perhaps even easier to let the bad weigh us down but it’s not easy to find a balance, an inner harmony between the two. I used to have this old doormat outside my studio apartment that was the Chinese symbol for equilibrium and I loved how it reminded me of the importance of finding a balance in my life.

And so, in honor of balancing good and bad in one’s life, I’ve decided to write a playful blog about how it’s easy to find both the good and the bad in almost any situation. Perhaps this can help remind those who need to be reminded that while a bad may feel the worst or a good may feel the best, it’s important to maintain a balance so one never loses perspective but also appreciates that with each new day, comes a new opportunity for a good and even for a bad but with proper balance, perhaps the ground beneath one’s feet will be more sturdy…

It’s good my parent’s fig tree grows the most fantastic figs but it’s bad that the squirrels often get to them first.

It’s good that the sprinklers in the front yard keep the grass looking nice but it’s bad they leave water spots all over the left side of my car.

It’s good my nephew loves the water and takes an active interest in the pond and waterfalls around but it’s bad he doesn’t understand why he can’t just jump in.

It’s good that cars help us get around but it’s bad they often kill us.

It’s good that we have congresspeople to represent us but it’s bad they often care more about representing themselves.

It’s good that there are cures to many diseases but it’s bad that there aren’t cures for all of them.

It’s good my grandfather was able to live his honest and full life until he was eighty-seven years old but it’s bad he passed away and left his family without him.

It’s good I was able to make my short film as I had intended but it’s bad it had such a limited chance to be shown to the public.

It’s good The Office is a funny show to many, many people but it’s bad they don’t know when to call it quits.

It’s good to eat the sweets one loves, like raspberry chocolate pieces for example, but it’s bad they aren’t very healthy.

It’s good to have friends you care about but it’s bad when one of them reveals to be not who you thought they were.

It’s good to be honest in all situations but it’s bad when it’s done without some tact.

**and added from friend, Jim Stein, whose own blog can be found at: http://jamesari.blogspot.com –

It’s good to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but it’s bad when they don’t feel the same way.

——->>>>>>

No matter how bad it can seem, there is always some good, and vice versus.

But once you find a balance, which one are you going to focus on?

Recently, I’ve been pondering the notion of altruism in a fair society.

Altruism, by definition of my handy Apple dictionary, means “the belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others.”

Hmmmm…. seemingly on face value, one may think this is a good thing. Care about other humans! How could that be a bad thing? But I wonder, why is it good to not care about yourself but it is good to care about others? And how does one determine who the “others” are and what their needs for well-being are? And if it means that caring for “others” hurts someone else, is the right answer to be determined by whose NEEDS are greater? Then, who determines that? I suppose it’s the person making the choice to be altruistic, determining the needs of others and therefore using his/her own value system to do so…

But I wonder, if this is something he/she chose to do, how is it selfless? Perhaps that is a comfort blanket one uses to make oneself feel good about the choices they make.

In a fair society based in individual freedom, NEEDS play no part outside of oneself. Life is a matter of justice, which is being fair and moral, and that is the value system one uses to guide their actions if they choose to live a just life. If they choose to be altruistic, life is not about justice. It can’t be. It becomes a game of who’s needs are greater, and then choices are made accordingly. In other words, those who need more are rewarded while those who took care of their own needs are punished. How is that just?

I was talking to my father, a very smart man, about altruism. He posed a question to me that has not left my mind. He asked, suppose one who bases their decisions in altruism is in the hospital and is told the talented surgeon who was going to perform a specialized surgery on him/her has been fired and replaced by a less qualified surgeon because he/she was in much more need of a job. Do you think that person will feel as strongly about the altruistic solution of the less qualified surgeon as he/she had in the past about altruistic solutions?

It’s a smart question. And an important one.

How can one care about others if they don’t care about themselves? Isn’t it contradictory to say all humans deserve X but then not feel that way about themselves? And when it really comes down to it, I wonder what an altruistic person’s answer would be in this situation…

I suppose everyone has to figure this out for themselves. In our society, the term “selfish” has been given such a bad meaning that most shy away from it completely. But what about those of us who may care about ourselves and our own lives but also care about others because we truly want to? Instead of doing things blindly from an altruistic place, we do things accordingly to honesty and fairness? What about that? Is that selfish?

For those who try to live their lives just, take care of their own needs, be honest and help others in the process because they want to – yes, you may be considered selfish, but at least you don’t have to worry about putting your head on a pillow at night, because you will sleep the sleep of the just. And that is some mighty fine sleep.

According to my ever reliable Apple dictionary, expectation is defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.”

There’s the famous quote of Woody Allen that goes, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” Well said, Woody, well said.

We can plan and plan and do our absolute best to control what is in our control, but you never know what’s going to happen the next minute no matter how hard you plan. And yes, while I think it’s best to continue planning in hopes that forces beyond your control will be in sync with you, it’s probably good for the mind and body to understand that is not a given.

But what about when OTHERS have expectations for YOU? Now, that’s a whole other ballgame. And I’ve come to the conclusion that while it’s natural to expect things from other people, it is not natural to impose those expectations on them. If they fail to meet your expectations, that’s your problem, not theirs. And vice versus. If you fail to meet their expectations, that’s their problem, and not yours. Sure, consequences will likely come. For example, if you expect your significant other to remain faithful and they do not, you may likely give them the boot but then if you expect someone to call at 10 and they call at 10:15, you probably won’t care. But the point is, expectations are personal and if they are IMPOSED (in other words, forced) on others, they become a means of controlling and that is likely going to hurt any relationship.

As someone who values her independence, I also value that of others, but unfortunately, there are people in this world who believe they are owed something by you, entitled to something from you or believe you are supposed to do things for them because of x, y and z. Not so, says I. Shouldn’t favors be done by one’s own choice, not by expectations or imposition? And when someone chooses to impose upon another, isn’t that really displaying how much they value you and what their priorities are?

You may not like that I won’t do things out of obligation, but at least you’ll know that when I do something for you, it’s because I genuinely want to. I may not be jumping for joy to do the dishes after my mother has made her Italian Sunday feast, but while she never expects me to do them, I still do every time because my love for her outweighs my desire not to do them. The few times I’ve opted to do something for someone because they expected it but not because I wanted to has always bitten me in the ass and made me unhappy.  I’ve been learning the hard way but at least now, I understand that I can only expect myself to make choices for me and can’t worry about what others expect of me.

But don’t worry, if you don’t like it, I don’t expect anything from you.

By definition, according to my apple dictionary, an anomaly is “something that deviates from what is standard, normal, or expected.” It is not, by definition, something negative or unfavorable.

I look at anomalies to mean different from the norm. And in today’s politically-correct-track-home society, is this really such a bad thing? Can’t one argue that those people, places and things who are anomalies are just different and since they can’t be placed into a category neatly, perhaps they create their own category? And if so, is that something to be afraid of or in fact, worthy of embracing?

As one who has been called an anomaly before and has been shunned by people when I don’t fit into their idea of what is acceptable or not, I’ve started thinking about what it means to be different and why this would bother someone. What is it about being unusual that is threatening? Is it the unknowing involved? The difficulty in which to figure one out? The disregard for social mores? While I firmly believe that if one uses physical force upon another, they should be dealt with by an authority of law and justice, I do not believe that being different or something other than is expected is anything troubling.

But recently, I’ve started noticing that others can get angry with me when I don’t fit into their idea of what they consider “normal.”

For example, I’ll be the first to admit that I know VERY little about pop culture. I don’t watch much television or follow the paparazzi and have never liked things simply because they’re popular. I can’t tell you the names of the characters in the Twilight films or what time “So You Think You Can Dance” is on but if you want to know the feature film debut of Kenneth Lonergan or the names of the last three albums from the band The Clientele, I can tell you in a heartbeat. The point is, we all like what we like, right? And yet, I’ve found others don’t appreciate that I don’t know certain things they think I should.

So, I wondered… why do some get bothered when you aren’t similar to them? Is it because they need the confirmation that they fit in? Is it to be redeemed for their own behavior? Is it to feel “normal”?

I really don’t know. But what I do know is that I choose to embrace the differences among us because with originality comes creation.

And anyway, what’s so wrong with being odd? Isn’t life more interesting to meet those who are different from ourselves? Or at the very least, should you find yourself not caring for those who are different from you, why not just let them be if they cause you no harm? And if you can’t do that, perhaps your problem isn’t with them but with yourself…

That’s a loaded couple of words.

For this blog, “your past” will be implying all that one has done before the moment they now find themselves. A person’s particular past history, which if it’s anything like mine, is packed with things like mistakes, insincerity, immaturity, growth, happiness, sadness but most of all, CHANGE.

In a few weeks, I’ll be thirty-three years old, and while that may be young to some and old to others, I don’t look at it like that but rather as a reference to how long I’ve been on this earth. In other words, how long I’ve had the opportunity to get my life the way I want it without hurting others or myself. Hasn’t been easy and there’s a lot more work to do but it’s slowly starting to come together for me. And this got me thinking…

Once we reach a happier and clearer place, using the wisdom and experience of our past to teach us and enable us to learn about ourselves to a much higher degree, therefore making our choices and actions be more effective for a happier life, what do we do about our past history that we wish wasn’t the case? It doesn’t just go away. It’s right there in our memory and can plop up anytime. Like when you run into someone you once knew and a memory flashes before your eyes, instantly making you recall how truly moronic you once were, or maybe you hear a song that triggers a recollection that makes you cringe to think about. What then? Do we just grin and bear it? Pretend that wasn’t us? Block it from our memory? What?

Well, clearly, if one changes their behavior, then through consistency and reality, it will be evident. But the painful part of the truth of the past is still there.

So, I’ve come up with this. Deal with it. Own it. Learn from it. And then move on. If others can’t, that’s their problem. Those who truly care about you will likely care about you even more because of your courage and strength to actually change.

Writer Pearl S. Buck once said, “One faces the future with one’s past.”

So, I’ve decided, rather than cringe, I’ll just be glad I’ve learned better…

If you had to make a list of the people who truly know you, warts and all, would it be long or short? And who would be on that list? The people you say you love and are your friends? Perhaps just your family or maybe they’re the one’s you hide your true self from? Or maybe you want no one at all to know you, maybe you don’t even want to know yourself, so how can anyone else?

I don’t know about you, but I’ve dealt with questions like: Is there anyone who truly knows who I am? Do I even have a firm grasp on who I am and who I want to be? And are those the same?

It’s interesting. As an observer of human behavior, and no I’m not a psychologist but rather a filmmaker, I would bet good money that very few people intentionally allow others to truly get to know them. I don’t know if it’s generally because one is looking for approval, or trying to be who others want them to be, or are maybe just insecure…  It could be any of many different reasons. But regardless, I’ve come to believe that people are who they are by the actions they take and the choices they make, which means, if someone is really looking, they can get to know you whether you want them to or not. As the common quote goes, “Actions speak louder than words.” And as for myself, I think actions SHOUT while words are barely a whisper. And that’s how I’ve come to learn about people, who they are and how I want them to fit into my life, if such a decision is called for.

Someone could have a lot of money, a fancy apartment, a cool job and yet, they have an evil heart, while another could have little money, barely a couch to sleep on and a dream rather than a paycheck and yet, they have more to offer another person than most do. I’ve found what matters is not who people say they are or what things they own or who employs them or hangs out with them. It’s the person they actually are, the choices they make, the actions they take, the life they lead and why. But in today’s world, it appears that the former matters more to people than the latter? And is that why there is so much unhappiness in the world?

What matters to you?