The grass is fine here


I started thinking about dating when the other day, I was in the car with some friends and someone asked me if I was dating anyone. I said no but my close friend pointed out I said this “no” quite happily… and when she pointed that out, I started thinking, huh… am I truly happy that I am single?

To give some history, I was in a three-year relationship when I was in high school and then, when I went to college, I was in a four-year relationship. So, long term relationships are something I know quite a lot about. In fact, had I not broken up with my college boyfriend, which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I might be in a relationship right now that I wish I wasn’t. But the point is, I’ve had experience in long term relationships, so I think I’m qualified to understand what they are about. And as I think about them, I realize, I haven’t really had a real relationship since my college boyfriend, and that was… well… about twelve years ago.

Tonight, I went on a date with a guy who is seriously awesome. He’s attractive, sweet, attentive, intelligent and very creative and yet, I found myself telling him that I think I’m someone who just isn’t meant to be with… well, anyone.

Not wanting children, I’ve never felt a clock ticking or any need to find someone within a certain time frame but as I get older, I find that others ask me why I don’t settle down or date more or etc… and being a filmmaker, my job as always taken precedent but to be honest, I have started thinking about why I don’t make dating more of a priority… especially, when I come across a man who would be worthy of dating…

Hm…. interesting questions. But I don’t quite have the answers and I sit here, wondering, why am I different from those who know they want to be with someone? Sometimes, the thought of having to answer to someone or tell someone what my plans are makes me cringe and then other times, I think it’s nice to have someone to come home to, to hug and talk to but then, my friends and family often offer that… so, I wonder, are there some of us out there who aren’t meant to be in relationships? Are some of us meant to be loners, to fly solo, to do our own thing and answer to no one but ourselves? And if so, do we sacrifice the comfort and closeness of a relationship with another human or do we just not need that? Again, interesting questions but I suppose, the answers are different for everyone… As someone who has always felt quite different from the norm, I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised to realize that I tend to choose to be alone rather than date, but I wonder, is this just because I haven’t found the person that rocks my world?

Maybe the grass isn’t always greener on the other side but rather, the grass is just fine the way it is. I guess we just have to determine which grass we want…

But that’s the hard part…


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