dating

Certainty

/ christinaparisi / Leave a comment

I did something for the first time recently. Something I’ve never wanted to do. Something I’ve always preferred doing myself rather than paying someone to do. Something that most people I know, both guys AND girls, have already done for the first time quite a while ago. Something I REALLY didn’t want to do but… circumstances put it in my lap. And so, I did it.

I got a professional manicure.

Before you roll your eyes, please understand that I don’t like being touched by strangers. And I really don’t like having my hands touched by anyone (except my boyfriend and family.) I’m quite particular about certain things, some would say including myself, and this is on the top of my list. Not far from the number one slot actually. But when this manicure-thing just kinda presented itself, I thought, “Hell, I should try it at least once.” If nothing more, I’d be doing something I feared and isn’t it always good to push oneself with that stuff?

So here’s the long story short: To celebrate Valentine’s day with my boyfriend, I decided to buy this Groupon thing for a massage/spa package for two. It was exactly what I was looking for at the price I wanted to spend. But there was also something included in this package that I could care less about.

Manicures.

They would already be paid for and were to be done after the massage/sauna/champagne spa-time. My boyfriend was happy at the thought of getting his nails cleaned so I figured now would be the time to give it a shot.

The moment the manicure started, I felt myself tightening up. My manicurist, who was male by-the-way, immediately went to work by holding my hands and buffing away. My boyfriend looked at me and smiled but I couldn’t really muster a good one up at that point. I already wanted it to be over.

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But I stuck through it and tried desperately not to cringe every second.

At the end, I asked the manicurist, “What’s that?” and pointed to a little dark spot on the nail polish near my cuticle. “Just a little blood. Sorry,” he said nonchalantly. Oh, thanks. Just a little blood stuck in the nail polish on my fingers.

Then I smudged two of my fingers before even making it back to my car.

But I tried it. At least once.

Though never again.

And now I can say that with 100% certainty.

7 days of November ’12

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THE IDEA…

As those who read my blog know, I love giving myself little projects that help make me think outside the box, do new things and add some fun and excitement to the daily activities that are part of my life. Last December, I did a month-long project where over thirty-one days, I did things I didn’t typically do and then the following April, I gave myself themes for each day of the month to learn and/or do something new. I loved doing these and now, I decided to do another project, which I like to call…

7 Days of November 2012

Over the course of the next seven days, starting tomorrow, November 18, and continuing until Sunday, November 25, I will be doing tasks contributed by a certain group of seven people whom I respect and are a part of my life. I asked each one to come up with something for me to do for a day, as long as it didn’t cost too much and didn’t harm myself or others. And all seven of the people I asked not only decided to be a part of this project with me, but contributed thoughtful ideas that I’m super excited about, and to be honest a bit nervous, to implement over the next week.

I will not be listing the ideas here at this point. But each day over the next seven, I invite you to read my blog daily or however often as you prefer to see what idea I was given and how it went after I experienced it. As usual, I will start a fresh page for this project. (The two other previous projects also have their own page, as listed to the right on this screen…)

I will say a few things though before I embark on this next project of mine.

Each person I asked means something to me.
Each person I asked is someone I care about and someone whom I wanted to contribute to this project.
Each person I asked put a part of themselves into their idea, which makes this week-long project extra special for me.

The players are:
my sister, my brother, my boyfriend, my dear college friend, my writing partner, my close friend of the past eight years and a prior boss of mine who has become a dear friend to me over the past seven years.

Their ideas will be revealed as my week-long blog unfolds but I will leave you with these thoughts about tomorrow, the first day of this project.

This idea comes from the man in my life. He’s taking me to his gym and teaching me some workout moves. Now, I’ve only been to a gym perhaps two times in my entire life but he’s well versed on working out and has a beautiful body to show for it, so I’m excited. If nothing more, it will be interesting and I’ll get to see what he does five days out of the week.

Question though. One shouldn’t wear jeans and converse to a gym, right?

DAY ONE

Today, I kicked off my week-long project with the idea that came from boyfriend. His plan was for me to go to the gym with him and go through a work out routine.

Now I should preface this with some facts. He loves to work out. I don’t. For those who know me, they know this is not what I like to spend my time doing. But I went today because that is what this week is all about for me. I asked some important people in my life to give me a task for the day and then, in turn, I would do it. My hope is for these things to help me see life through their eyes and also offer me the opportunity to experience new things that perhaps I wouldn’t otherwise…

So I went, to an actual gym. And I did some machines and picked up weights and used a StairMaster and actually did what people call a “plank” and sure, it was all interesting and I entered the gym-goers world and while I felt like a fish-out-of-water, I rolled with it, mostly to experience what my boyfriend does five days out of the week, but also to give it a try for myself. Also, I know it’s important to him. Exercising does intrigues me but to be honest, I would much rather do it at home or in my neighborhood…

So, does this make us incompatible?

I suppose that depends. But first a story.

A friend of mine told me about a date he went on this past week. The girl he was having dinner with asked him about the things he was looking for and thought he should have handy a list of the attributes he wanted in a woman. But he didn’t. And I don’t blame him. He did tell me, however, that HER list didn’t have much to do with the actual person she was looking for. Rather, it had to do with the money in his pocket and the awards on his wall, so to speak. I thought it quite astute on his behalf to be able to identify that this woman held rather shallow values and my friend, whether he knows it or not, is anything but shallow. And he helped me realize something…

It’s cool the guy I’m dating likes the gym. I really don’t care either way, as long as he’s healthy. Going today was a fun and novel thing to do for a random Monday afternoon but I think, for me, I’d much rather walk and jog around my neighborhood, continue to careless about sweets and do some situps in my bedroom than go to a gym. That’s where I’m at. But now I know what he does and what his routine is and his beautiful body shows his efforts. I’m glad it means something to him. And I’m glad he shared it with me. And while I hope my body remains physically appealing despite not going to the gym, I can’t help but really hope it’s my mind and who I am that matters most…

DAY TWO

Today, the idea for my project comes from my sister. She works at a coffee shop right now while she learns and prepares for her goal of opening up her own restaurant. And she loves coffee. She’s a true Sicilian, as is everyone else in my family. Coffee is plentiful and pouring daily in our household and after dinner, it’s a staple and thoroughly enjoyed… except by me.

I have never really had a full cup of coffee. Sure, I’ve had some tastes here and there but I just don’t care for it. The smell is fantastic but the taste, not so much. I’ve always preferred a diet coke after a meal or in the morning.

Today, though, my sister’s idea was for me to go to a coffee shop and order a real coffee drink and give it a chance. I thought it was cool to get an idea about what she and so many others like and also, to buy a product she knows a lot about and sells daily. So, I just happened to be talking to a friend of mine, who also loves coffee, and mentioned this to her. She suggested ordering a sugar-free vanilla latte from Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf. There’s one right on my way home so I stopped there and decided to give it a try. It felt weird not to order an iced or hot tea, as that’s what I always order in a coffee shop, but I went with it. As I walked to my car, I enjoyed the heat in my hands as the wind slapped against my face but I was scared to taste it for fear of burning my mouth. Do they come out so hot you should wait? I seriously don’t know. But I waited about ten minutes and then took a taste.

Yeah, it tasted like coffee. I really liked the frothy vanilla milky foam on the top though and drank that down quickly but then, the coffee hit… and well, I found myself slowly taking sips over the course of the next hour. Granted, I was doing something at the time but still, it took me a while and I only got through about half of the cup. And I ordered a small.

All in all, it was cool to try something new, and I learned I really like frothy vanilla milk, but yeah… I probably won’t be ordering another one anytime soon.

DAY THREE

This one comes from a dear friend of mine whom I met in college. We no longer live near each other nor do we get to see each other too often but she will always remain close to my heart, for many reasons. Her idea came to me as a choice. I could either give a television show she likes a chance “Downtown Abby” or read a book she likes “50 Shades of Gray” – both being two things she knows I don’t normally watch and/or read.

I dig this idea because it made me go outside my normal zone with pop culture, something I know next to nothing about. I’ve heard a little about the television show but I opted to go with the book because I know it’s tremendously popular and I’d like to talk to her about it after I read it.

Unfortunately, this isn’t something I can do in just a day’s time. I’m currently rereading “To Kill A Mockingbird” and being inside that world, I’m hesitant to jump into another world at the same time. So this particular day will be a bit prolonged. “Fifty Shades of Gray” will be the very next book I read though and a future blog will be written all about it… so please stay tuned!

DAY FOUR

The idea for this day came from my brother, a married father of two. He asked that I put others before myself, such as if my mom asks me to do something, I do it even if I’m busy… His motivation is for me to “begin to understand a big part of what its like to have a child and or husband.” So… what better day to do this than Thanksgiving?!

It was much more difficult than I imagined it would be. I like to move on my own schedule. That’s just how it is and I’ve set up my life to allow me to do that. But today, things were different. Normally, I wouldn’t start cooking until it was closer to the time I planned on eating but my mother loves to prep and get things done early so when she wanted me to peel the potatoes at ten in the morning even though we were eating around 4 in the afternoon, I did it. No questions asked. I also did all the dishes that were dirty at the time and prepped the green beans too. I felt good because I love my mother and I want to do things for her. So this was no big deal. It got tricky though when my boyfriend and siblings and relatives got to the house – who to focus on?! I didn’t know. So I chose my boyfriend and mother primarily for this exercise and tried my best to do what they needed and even tried to figure it out in advance before they had to ask. I may not have succeeded as great as I would have liked, but I did learn an important lesson…

It’s difficult to be a parent.

Now, this may seem odd considering I haven’t even mention kids yet but I do have nephews and the two of them were around. I do typically put their needs above my own when I’m with them out of my desire to do so, not because I’ve been told to do so, so they aren’t really a part of this exercise. But, they have helped me realize I prefer to be an aunt rather than a mother. With marriage, I don’t believe when one gets married they need to lose their identity or alter their life to the degree of never putting themselves first and I truly want to be married. BUT when one does chose to become a parent, then, well.. another person should truly come first, especially when one’s children are babies and young kids because they’re solely dependent on their parents and that’s a great responsibility. Actually, I think being a parent is the greatest responsibility one could take on for oneself.

Now, I’ve been blessed with parents who not only put myself and my siblings first while we were growing but still do and I’ll forever be grateful. In fact, I wish they would put themselves first now but they don’t.

I’ve realized a bit ago, having children isn’t the path I want to take. Perhaps it’s my love of life and spontaneity and freedom to do as I please that has led me to this decision but regardless, at least I’ve identified that I don’t want children of my own rather than pretend I do or have them without fulling realizing what that means. I think parenting is one of the most difficult challenges an individual can face. But perhaps it’s also the most rewarding as well. No matter how you look at it though, it’s the greatest responsibility, as I’ve said, and I wonder what this world would be like if only those who truly wanted children had them and those who don’t, did not…

DAY FIVE

My friend Jim, who was once my manager at a restaurant I had worked at previously but has since become a good friend, gave me the idea for today. He knows I am an Independent, who leans toward Libertarianism, and that I do NOT care for the job my current president, Barack Obama, is doing. We often have great political discussions though, typically disagreeing, but still, I believe we respect each others opinions and agree to disagree more often than not.

But naturally, he gave me a political suggestion for this project of mine. He asked me to find five positive things to say about President Obama and post them on Facebook. I did this and now, will post them here as well. While I’m sure “Barry” is a great person, I struggled with this one, but here is my list and it’s all true…

5 Nice Things I can say about President Obama
1. I respect his pro-gay marriage stance.
2. I deeply respect his repeal of “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell”
3. He seems to be a family man and I think that’s wonderful.
4. I love that he’s an Apple user!
5. Although I disagree with him on most things, I respect his desire to do what he thinks is best.

DAY SIX

The idea for this day comes from my writing partner, who has been a friend of mine for about fifteen years. Before I write what her idea was, I’d like to tell a little story because it helps me understand what she wanted me to do and so perhaps, it will help my readers. I should preface that this idea is more abstract than tangible so I had some freedom on the “how” of implementing the idea into my day. But first, my story…

About a month ago, I noticed my friend hadn’t called to make a writing date in quite some time and also hadn’t responded to my texts, calls or emails over the course of several weeks. So, finally I sent her a text that said this was odd and I was worried about her. Within twenty minutes, she called me to say sorry about dropping off the face of the earth and that she had been working a lot but wanted to write so that was cool with me and we made plans to do some work on the upcoming weekend. Then, as we were hanging out and getting into our writing groove, her roommate, a young sweet girl, told me she had been fired from one of her jobs. I responded by trying to find the positive side of it, something I typically do I guess, because my friend then said, “See, Christina. You’re not someone to call when one wants to have a pity party and feel down about something. You don’t let them, always trying to see the silver lining. Sometimes you just need to feel bad and you’re not the person to have around when doing that.”

Ok. That’s interesting. I paused… and thought about it. And you know, I suppose she’s right. I like to see the positive side of things. I’m a glass-is-half-full kind of person and yes, I don’t like pity parties. Not that I want people to be soldiers, there’s a time to grieve, but really, why focus on it? I told my friend, “Yeah, okay, but I’m one of the first people you call when something good happens. Why? Because I truly enjoy it with you.” She then paused. And a minute later, smiled.

Now, her idea for me was: “I know u don’t like to wallow in pity and I’d like to see you try”…

I had no idea how to do that so I decided I would research the “depression” stage because she had mentioned it and gave me the example of accompanying someone through it without finding a silver lining. Well, I had some work to do that day but finished around 9pm and my plan was to hit my computer and get google’ing as soon as I got home. But then, as I was driving home, I realized I didn’t need to.

As it so happened, I WAS around someone that day who was not really enjoying the job they currently had. Perhaps it was on a subconscious level, but I found myself feeling their pain for a little bit but sure enough, before I knew it, I was telling my friend why their job was lucky to have them and that not all things are bad about it, such as… and I went on. My friend then said, “yeah, I think things are going to be okay.” I don’t know if they will be, but that’s not the point.

Yes, my friend wanted me to not see the silver lining in everything, but bottom line is that’s not who I am. I’m a positive person and I choose to live my life from a place of positivity. Take it or leave it. Some things aren’t negotiable.

But Victor Frankl, author of “Man’s Search For Meaning”, a philosophical book about his time spent in Nazi concentration camps, can perhaps illuminate this concept better than I:

“We who lived in the concentration camps can remember the men who walked through the huts comforting others, giving away their last piece of bread. They may have been few in number, but they offer sufficient proof that everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms — to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way. — P.65-66”

I choose my own way, and it’s paved with positivity no matter what road I’m on.

DAY SEVEN

This idea comes from a great friend of mine, who is my fitness guru, my healthy eating resource and all-around exercise Queen. If I have a working out or eating healthy question, I can turn to her with confidence that I will not only get a correct answer but a reason why it’s correct.

She knows though that I have a carb problem. Bread, potatoes, rice… love ‘em all. I can eat all three of those things, daily. My friend, however, has helped me understand why that isn’t the best idea and I’ve tried to make some adjustments to my diet.

But yes, my name is Christina and I’m a carb-aholic.

And so comes her idea:

1. eat ONLY: fruits, vegetable, proteins and legumes. You are allowed to ask me if you have any questions. That means no carbs (other than fruit) just in case you had any sort of confusion on this.
2. not eat anything after 9pm at night
3. work out for one FULL hour, like 1/2 hour cardio and 1/2 hour strength, or whatever you want. No, walking does not count.

4. read some sort of articles on health and fitness so improve your overall knowledge.

Well, I must admit. By 9am, I had already failed at this.

My nephews were over that morning so naturally, I was awoken around 8am. On a Sunday, mind you. And about an hour later, I heated up some leftovers in the microwave because sometimes I like leftovers early in the morning. Kinda odd though, considering I hardly ever eat anything more than fruit before noon, but nonetheless, I heated up some food and as I was eating, I started telling my mother about my no carb day. A few moments later, my mother looks into my bowl and says, “Rice is carbs, you know.”

Wait. What? That can’t be right? It is? Oh crap. Of course it is!

So I basically failed at this before I even began. Shame shame shame. I attempted then to try to start from there but the day had already been tainted and I failed to even remember the rest of the day’s activities I was supposed to do, so I made a decision.

I get a do-over.

Please check back on Thursday, November 29th, for this idea to come to fruition because I will be cooking dinner for my parents that day and it will be extra challenging for me to cook a full meal with NO CARBS…

Small things matter.

/ christinaparisi / Leave a comment

Yes, it’s true. I’m smitten. I met a man who is seriously almost too good to be true. He’s not perfect. And neither am I. But as my favorite line in Good Will Hunting goes, “You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.”

That is THE question.

I’ve been looking for quite some time, let me tell you, but I believe my patience and lack of settling has paid off and in fact, has actually led me to him… but maybe I’m wrong, who knows. I do know though that I’m all the better for having met him, and that’s cool enough for me…

While our chemistry is something I’ve never experienced before, there is also some amazing things we have in common that quite frankly, are hard to believe. This got me thinking about the absurdity and importance of the small things in our life and how difficult it is to find others who share some of these small things in common with us. I’m starting to wonder, maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there for everyone. (If only people would actually take the time to look for her/him we might not have as much divorce, but that’s another blog…) So, to get you thinking about your own relationship or perhaps future relationship, here are some small things I’ve noticed I have in common with the man I’m dating and it’s so damn weird and cool, I almost again, think he’s too good to be true…

1. We both like our meat/chicken/fish very well done.

2. Chips are our downfall, kettle chips in particular.

3. Music is a passion (for him, a career as well) yet neither of us really talked about it initially…

4. Breaking Bad is an obsession.

5. He’s the perfect assistant to me while I cook.

6. I’m the perfect assistant to him while he shops.

7. The night is young to both of us at midnight.

8. Mac is the only computer.

9. Sitting on the floor around the table for dinner is good for both of us.

10. Lightly dressed salad is the way to go.

11. Warm weather is better than cold.

I could go on… but I’ll stop here. Eleven, as many of my readers know, is my favorite number..

While it’s nice to have the larger things in common, one could argue the small things are equally important.

As Vincent Van Gogh once said, “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”

To lie or not to lie

/ christinaparisi / 2 Comments

This is the question for many.

Full disclosure first. I used to be a liar. A big fat liar with no shame. But I was also an adolescent. And between the ages of 12 – 16, I hit my lowest points. In hindsight, I suppose I thought it was an easy way to make that which wasn’t real be real. But it never was. And as I grew up, I started to realize the consequences of lying and how it didn’t really change anything of substance, only one’s perception, and no matter how many times one may say a lie, it doesn’t make it any more real. I love Seinfeld and while this is one of my favorite lines for the character George Costanza – “It’s not a lie if you believe it” – I have to disagree. It’s still a lie. It just makes you a much better liar. And George was one of the best!

Two things I recently experienced in dating land have made me think about lying and how it applies to such. With the popularity of online dating, many people weed through profiles in search of someone they might like to date. And profiles get pretty specific, with height, body type, age, etc. While I’m sure some people lie all over the place on their profiles and others tell no lies, there is one category I’m noticing lying is hugely popular.

Age.

A friend of mine who is over the age of fifty told me his theory on this. He finds it to be a necessary evil, noting some will not give another a chance if their age is not in his/her preferred bracket, thus limiting them right out of the gate. He explained he didn’t want to be limited in such a way. I told him I understood the logic behind it but still, it’s lying and that’s not a good thing in my book.

To lie or not to lie?

Recently, I was chatting with a different friend of mine who is in his early twenties. He was telling me about his Friday night and mentioned that he can’t seem to lie to girls anymore. I’d like to think I helped him with this, but who knows. The bottom line is he’s questioning the whole lying method he had once used. But then he said to me, “Real men know how to lie when they talk to women.”

Without even a pause, I said to him, “Real men don’t have to lie.”

And neither do women.

At least, that’s how I see it.

The latest adventures in dating…

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If you’ve been reading my blog, in particular the last post in which I mention it, one of my year-long goals is to find the one. Yeah, a bit dramatic, I know, but I’m not kidding. I don’t want to find the okay one, the ever popular this-one-will-do one or the even more popular I-could-do-a-lot-worse one.

I just want to find The One.

This quest of mine started around a year or two ago when I finally decided the time had come to truly start looking for a co-pilot. Since the relationship with my college boyfriend, which lasted four years and ended over twelve years ago, I haven’t really been too concerned about finding The One. But today, it struck me that I’ve grown since my quest began, for the better, and that’s a good thing, right? Allow me to give a little back story before I write what I learned…

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been talking to a guy but we haven’t had our first date yet because he broke his foot and has been heavily dosed on pain killers. Well that and I also just started a new job and have been working a lot. Point is, we haven’t met up BUT we’ve been in contact every day since we starting talking.

Now, flashing back to maybe three or so months prior to this, one of my friends brought to my attention he noticed I’ll meet a guy I like but then have real high expectations and think he’s super great until shortly thereafter, I come to realize he really isn’t. Thanks Jim, and I agree with you now. But considering this behavior was still going on only a month or so ago, I know I’ve grown because…

I find myself giving a shit.

I may not be ready to walk down any aisle that ends with me being legally bound to someone, but I know I care because today while I was driving, I found myself thinking, “I wonder what his relationship to his parents is like… I wonder what kind of life he’s had… And even though he didn’t wish me a happy birthday on my birthday after he found out about it just the day before, I didn’t write him off but rather laughed it off. And when he asks me to text him after I get home from work at night so he knows I got home, I’m not annoyed at all but rather genuinely captivated.”

I finally understand the real meaning behind what Sean said in Good Will Hunting, “You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.”

That is the question. And I’m finally asking it…

Truth

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I went on a date tonight with a boy whom I find attractive, smart and intriguing. Pretty much all the qualities I’m looking for, not to mention he’s taller than me, hah, something I love.

However…

I suddenly found myself reverting back to the shy, insecure girl of nineteen who I often remember fondly but never miss too much. There she was tonight though, rearing her ugly head as the self-conscious me. Man, I don’t miss being a teenager, but why, I wonder, did this retro-self of mine make a cameo appearance?

And then it hit me.

Maybe it’s because this is someone I could actually be with.

A friend of mine made an observation of me a little while back and I brushed him off, not wanting to hear it, but truth be told, his comment hasn’t left my mind since he’s said it. Basically, he told me I date men who pose no real possibility of being someone I would have a real relationship with, so I in turn feel comfortable with them. I thought he was crazy at the time, but now, well… I think he’s actually quite astute.

Sometimes, no matter how smart one is, others see us in a light in which we are unable to see ourselves. They act as a mirror of sorts, being reflective and can be both welcoming or not, but if they illuminate truth, it’s only a matter of time till one sees it for oneself…

I may not have all the answers when it comes to my dating life, but every step I make toward finding the real love I’m searching for even if I sabotage myself often, I can’t help but think I’m moving in the right direction.

Truth has that way. It can be hurtful, that’s for sure, especially when brought to one’s attention despite one’s best effort to deny it, but once appreciated and understood, it offers the best foundation to leap from…

I’m leaping. We’ll see where I land…

To be continued.

Self Image

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I recently encountered someone who would say one thing about himself but then his actions would completely contradict exactly what he said. I kept noticing it and started to think about it. Was he delusional? In denial? Or just full of shit and perhaps did or did not know it?

But then, as I was driving, I was struck with a memory about myself.

When I was in my mid-late twenties several years back,  I was dating regularly. Some relationships lasted a few months, others not even close, but the point is, I was dating. I remember, however, telling guys that I didn’t date much and I wasn’t really looking for a relationship. I didn’t tell them this to pull a fast one on them. I wholeheartedly believed it… or so I thought until I realized something one day.

I had this image of myself in my head that wasn’t true in reality, based on what I actually did. I thought of myself one way, perhaps the way I wanted to be, but I wasn’t actually that way.

And I remember that when I realized this, it was like the clouds parted and I was enlightened.

So, I cut this guy some slack because I really do think he thinks one way about himself without being conscious about how in reality, that isn’t the case at all. I’d love to share with him my story of enlightenment but I don’t think it will do any good. One has to realize this for oneself…

Self image.

Do you see yourself as you really are?

Something Special

/ christinaparisi / 4 Comments

Have you ever hit such a low point in dealing with the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s who you fancy) that you consider just changing your number and moving to Alaska all in an effort to forget your behavior?

Hah, well, maybe I’m exaggerating… a little, but who hasn’t sent one too many texts or let their pride get in the way or drunk dialed or became a bit insane, like in that scene in SWINGERS when Mikey phones the girl who gave him her number at a bar like fifteen times that same night?

I bet good money we’ve all been there. And it’s not pretty.

And after going through yet another episode in which I perhaps did not handle myself as well as I would have liked, I realized that yes, I can get too explainy, and yes, I fight like a lion if one hurts my pride and yes, if I had believed someone only to learn they were full of shit, I get upset. Very upset. But when I sit back and think about it, I realize I get upset because I didn’t meet the one I’ve been looking for. So, in actuality, it’s not them. It’s me.

I have a high standard for who I’m going to be with. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw from SEX IN THE CITY, “I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” And if I date someone who I like and want to pursue but then see they aren’t exactly feeling it or are moving away from it rather than toward it, I lash out. It’s something I need to work on… lesson learned. Again. But there’s another factor involved here and it’s called…

Something Special.

It’s not hard to find someone to be with if one keeps their expectations low or are willing to put up with others who are disrespectful, dishonest or unkind. But what about those of us who are not willing to accept any of this? Of course no one is perfect, myself included, but as the old saying goes, it’s about finding someone who is perfect for you.

But something incredibly special exists, right?

YES.

I’ve been blessed with two parents who found each other when they were in their teens and are still madly in love to this day. They set the bar high. So I’ve seen with my own two eyes, that yes, something special does indeed exist. But then, when I look around me and see the many people I know in relationships, I also realize that while something special does exist, it’s incredibly rare.

One could sigh at this, but I’ve made a decision.

Something special is worth finding…

Pain

/ christinaparisi / Leave a comment

Life hurts. People hurt us. We hurt ourselves.

For a long time, I kept to myself out of fear of being hurt. Sure, I had friends and even boyfriends, but I made sure to never let them get too close to me. Even to this day, I still (to some degree) live the life of a loner but I’ve definitely been much more conscious about being more open to others than I ever have in the past.

Today, however, it really bit me in the ass.

I had opened up to another person even though we had something going against us – a vast age difference. He was much younger than me. At first, it bothered me but after getting to know him, I gradually didn’t care about the age and only cared about the person. I thought he had felt the same way until I learned today that was not the case. And it hurt. I had exposed myself and thought I understood someone only to realize I didn’t. At all.

As I walked out of his life, I thought about the pain that comes from liking someone who decides not to like you back. How it’s enough to make you put that drawstring right back on your heart so that you don’t have to feel such pain because man, it stings like a bitch. But then, I stopped myself…

Yes, this whole trying to be open to people is hard enough on its own and then throw in someone else, who ends up hurting you, and man, you want to down a bottle of vodka, but I can’t help but be happy with myself for not pulling up that drawstring around my heart like I had so many times in the past.  All these things are so incredibly new to me that yes, I am dealing with pain that can bring tears to my eyes in seconds, but at least I’m dealing, putting myself out there, being vulnerable, not settling and searching for the gold.

Pain.

It hurts.

But would we know happiness without it?

I had a dream.

/ christinaparisi / 6 Comments

I had a dream a few nights back that has not left me. Its simplicity in message was like a slap to my face. And I needed it. It was as though my subconscious looked my conscious in the eyes and charged full steam ahead.

Well… my subconscious won. But before I tell the dream, here’s some back-story…

I’ve been a bit down lately because my latest film “Your Move” has yet to play a festival. My confidence has taken a hit. And while I try to remind myself that when I made the all-or-nothing choice of being a filmmaker I accepted rejection, I still struggle with it. And lately, the struggle has been at an all-time high because though I love all my films, I applied everything I learned from them to this one and I feel it deserves to be shown in front of an audience. Alas, it has not though, except for my cast and crew screening which was one of the best nights of my life. But I digress…and there’s more.

While I’m feeling this way about my filmmaking, I also happen to meet a boy whom I really like. He makes me really happy, just being around him and though I feel like I know him, it’s also super exciting learning about him. But, as my readers know, relationships do not come easy for me so I’m struggling. BUT, I have jumped in, sink or swim. Perhaps this dream was trying to help me to not feel so scared about it.

Okay. I had a dream.

And in this dream I was hanging out with some friends but no one in particular whom I can remember. And we were in a place that was very high up and some people where jumping over a cliff and landing in these holes before they reached the ground. Some in my dream thought it was crazy but others were excited and enthusiastically jumping right over the edge. I was on the fence about it, should I? Shouldn’t I? I was worried. But then, I turned to my friend (?) and simply said “I’m going to do it.” We had to weave through people to get to the cliff but once there, I talked myself into it. Pretty much by saying over and over again, “Just do it.” (or something to that effect.) So, I took a deep breath, (I know, cliché, but I really remember doing this in the dream,) and I leaped over the cliff…

I went down in slow motion and made it into the hole. I landed on the ground with both feet (and I swear to God, this image is so crystal clear in my mind that I really wish I could draw.) Not a scratch was on me. I felt great. Then…

I woke up. And I’m pretty sure I had a smile on my face.

I think my subconscious took care of my conscious here and it’s really nice to know it’s looking out for its twin.

Sweet dreams!