Have you ever hit such a low point in dealing with the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s who you fancy) that you consider just changing your number and moving to Alaska all in an effort to forget your behavior?
Hah, well, maybe I’m exaggerating… a little, but who hasn’t sent one too many texts or let their pride get in the way or drunk dialed or became a bit insane, like in that scene in SWINGERS when Mikey phones the girl who gave him her number at a bar like fifteen times that same night?
I bet good money we’ve all been there. And it’s not pretty.
And after going through yet another episode in which I perhaps did not handle myself as well as I would have liked, I realized that yes, I can get too explainy, and yes, I fight like a lion if one hurts my pride and yes, if I had believed someone only to learn they were full of shit, I get upset. Very upset. But when I sit back and think about it, I realize I get upset because I didn’t meet the one I’ve been looking for. So, in actuality, it’s not them. It’s me.
I have a high standard for who I’m going to be with. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw from SEX IN THE CITY, “I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” And if I date someone who I like and want to pursue but then see they aren’t exactly feeling it or are moving away from it rather than toward it, I lash out. It’s something I need to work on… lesson learned. Again. But there’s another factor involved here and it’s called…
Something Special.
It’s not hard to find someone to be with if one keeps their expectations low or are willing to put up with others who are disrespectful, dishonest or unkind. But what about those of us who are not willing to accept any of this? Of course no one is perfect, myself included, but as the old saying goes, it’s about finding someone who is perfect for you.
But something incredibly special exists, right?
YES.
I’ve been blessed with two parents who found each other when they were in their teens and are still madly in love to this day. They set the bar high. So I’ve seen with my own two eyes, that yes, something special does indeed exist. But then, when I look around me and see the many people I know in relationships, I also realize that while something special does exist, it’s incredibly rare.
One could sigh at this, but I’ve made a decision.
Something special is worth finding…
Christina Parisi 
I’m too scatterbrained to write a blog. I prefer discussions like this, instead. I can crank out a good piece once in a while but for the most part, the blank page and I do not get along so well.
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well…then i’m glad you are a reader of my blog :) love your part in the discussions! thanks
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Sorry it’s so verbose. Just some random thoughts on a boring Tuesday…PS I love this blog.
In my mid-20s, I worked really hard to “find someone.” In my late 20s, I finally gave up and decided I was going to find myself instead. I spent probably a year in relative solitude. I rode my bike quite a bit that year in Omaha, NE, something like 1300 miles that spring/summer/fall. Sometimes I would leave the house at 6:30 AM and not return until 10 PM, tired but satisfied. When all this started, I spent a lot of time being kinda angry that things hadn’t worked out the way I planned, or thinking about ways to fix what I perceived were problems. But something inside told me I needed to take a step back and reassess everything. EVERYTHING.
As the spring warmed into summer, my mind started to move away from the pain and into questions about myself, my motives, my regrets, and my relationships that really mattered. When you’re on a bike, you have nothing but time to just think in solitude. So think I did. At some point, I quit thinking about romantic relationships altogether and instead resolved to focus on the relationships that were most rewarding to me. I settled down and stopped being an egotistical jerkwad and engaged in more honest conversation more regularly.
Then, one day. late in the fall, I was finishing an evening ride. It was still light out and there were a lot of people walking in the park where my ride basically ends. One of the last people I passed was this girl from work that I knew but we were just casual acquaintances. She was pretty good looking though, so when we realized we knew eachother as I passed her, I did a quick loop around to say hello and be polite. I walked my bike next to her and she told me she was moving to California and wanted to get in shape. She said she wanted to ride her bike, too, but it had a flat. I told her I had tools she could borrow and yes, I’d take her on my route sometime.
We went on a few bike rides, it was cool because I didn’t care anymore. I was just me. Now we live together here in Cali. We’ve only been together for 1.5 years, but we’ve known each other for almost 5 years now. Neither of us believes in “the one” or that you can be madly in love every day for ever and ever. Disney has poisoned the well when it comes to relationship expectations. But we are “in love” people would say. We both have really good “pick your battles” skills in determining whether to make issue of things or just let it go because it’s not worth it.
I honestly think it’s because I have things I like to do, and she has her things she likes to do. We probably spend about 30% of our time together, and the other 70% is spent on our own pursuits. We’re both very independent, so we like it this way. I have dated girls in the past who expected the “us” part of the relationship to be front and center at all times. I have a couple of married friends who loathe their existences because of similar situations with their spouses. As a guy, nothing is more loathsome than being with an insecure woman who, out of her own insecurities, demands attention at all times. I’m sure many women would say the same about men.
I guess my point is that I didn’t find what I was looking for until I first figured out who I was and made peace with my past. I stopped trying to control situations or manipulate. I used that energy instead to further my own development, my relationship with myself. It became apparent at some point that once I was secure in my identity and peaceful, other people started to notice and gravitated toward me in different ways.
Now, you’re probably not as self-centered as I am, and probably never broached the level of manipulative tactics I used to employ to get what I wanted, but yeah, quieting my mind and finding myself was the first step toward all the good things that have come since.
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Jake, thanks for sharing!! I’m so glad you found happiness :) I agree that we need to understand ourselves. I spent the mid-later part of twenties doing just that… and it was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had (and one of the most painful…)
btw, have you considered writing a blog? I think you might be very good at it…
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