Today marks the tenth year since 9/11/01 happened. That was a day in which enemies of the United States hijacked U.S. air crafts and flew them into U.S. buildings, killing thousands of Americans. It was a day that will likely live in the memories of all those who witnessed it, both from up close and from afar, and of all those who were affected by it, whether from a grand scale or a smaller one. It was a direct attack on American soil, and will not easily be forgotten.

Dictionaries tell us remembrance is the act of remembering. And remembering is important. Understanding the past helps one deal with the future. Remembering that which came before can help line the road for that which is to come. Remembering helps one deal with life and the changes that come with it. Remembering can help ease the pain and salute the fallen, can help comfort the present and cheer their victories, can help appreciate a struggle and embrace the effect of such.

Remembrance is important.

I remember…

learning the twin towers had been destroyed by airplanes and being sent home from work.

my grandfather’s silent demeanor and amazing grilled steak.

my uncle’s relaxed state of being and love for his family.

the town I grew up in, in upstate New York, and the friends I had while doing so.

the day I finished Atlas Shrugged, which propelled me to go on and study philosophy for the rest of my life.

the day I learned my sister needed me.

the moment I met my beautiful nephew, who has shown me what love really means.

the day I was told I should meet a girl I would really like, who turned out to be someone who feels like an extension of myself and who became one of my closest friends.

the day I decided I didn’t want to be in a relationship for the sake of being in one, but rather only wanted to be in one that I was passionate about.

when I was made fun of in the seventh grade for, I believe, not understanding something.

the shooting of my very first short film, Making Your Tea, and how I’ve learned so much since then…

Remembrance is important, yes. It’s a wonderful source to learn from and lean on.

But it’s the present that is our here and now, the only moment we are guaranteed.

And it’s the future that is to come, for ourselves (hopefully) but most importantly, for the children after us.

Let us remember to fight for a better world for them. And let us never forget that.

It’s interesting. I’ve been noticing a particular behavior among many people lately that has been making me think. When some people have problems, they have this way of trying to make them your problems too.

Now, I’ve been very fortunate to have been raised by two amazing parents who’ve demonstrated to me what self-reliance, love and responsibility mean.

Self-reliance is taking care of one self. Accepting the circumstances of reality and then molding them to become what you want through hard work, dedication and intellect.

Love is something given, not taken. And it’s an amazing foundation to leap from, whether it be one’s love of life, of another or of oneself. And love given to you is not to be taken for granted.

And responsibility is accepting the choices one makes and the consequences of such and in regard to circumstances outside of one’s control, it’s about how one deals with them. It’s owning one’s actions.

Now, back to what I’ve been observing. It’s very easy to try to make your problem someone else’s problem. For example, say you drank too much at a bar last night, so you call your boss and say you’re sick and have them cover it for you. Or say you wrecked your car and have no transportation so you continually call others for rides, saying you don’t have a car and can’t get around. Or say your friend couldn’t drive you somewhere, so you argue that’s the reason you couldn’t get somewhere.

But the thing is, your problem is your problem. It’s no one else’s problem.

Now, someone could CHOOSE to help you but that’s a choice they have to make. In my opinion, it shouldn’t be something you expect. Sooooo many seem to have the “woe is me” attitude and when things go wrong, they feel they are owed something or that others should grant them something and many seem to enable this behavior, thinking they’re being a good person or perhaps are acting out of guilt or some misplaced feelings of compassion, but really, it only makes worse, in my opinion. If you enable this behavior, nothing will stop one from passing the buck, from making excuses, from failing to recognize the need to deal with one’s own problems, from accepting responsibility, from repeating this behavior, from trying to make their problems yours.

Your problems aren’t my problems… unless I allow them to be.

I take commitments very seriously, which may explain why I have a hard time making some of them…

I’ve been noticing some things about my behavior lately that have intrigued me. I love getting the mail. Seriously. I don’t like to make specific plans more than a week in advance unless it has to do with my films or other work. I don’t like the term “best friend” but prefer “close friend”.  I like to know when my brother needs me to babysit my nephew (which I do on a weekly basis) as soon as possible. I prefer to say “Maybe” on Facebook invites over “Yes”.  And I love playing things by ear (unless it’s with a guy on our first couple dates and in that case, I get annoyed if he wants to plan it the day of without a valid reason.)

All of these things led me to wonder… do I shun commitment? But after thinking about it I believe, no, I don’t. I just take it very seriously because if I do commit, then I want to do so wholeheartedly. And with all the flakiness in the world, especially in Los Angeles, I’m protective of my time and value it greatly so I’m not willing to just give it up freely.

But then… I also realized there’s something more here… and that’s when it struck me.

Possibility. I love possibility.

Using my beloved Apple dictionary, possibility means “a thing that may happen or be the case” and possible means “able to be done.” In so many words it’s that which may or may not happen but could happen. And to me, possibility makes life exciting. The unknown. The chances of greatness. The potential.

Perhaps some people like to be certain of what their days are going to hold for them and that’s cool if it works for you, but I’ve never liked routine and I hate too much structure. For me, life is all about change but I’ve learned one has to be open to it to fully grasp it, allow it and understand it. And this is where possibility comes in.

The other day I was thinking about the fact that I LOVE getting the mail. It’s kinda odd but I’ve loved getting it for as far back as I can remember. And then I thought… it’s the possibility that something can arrive that I like so much. Sure, it’s mostly bills or junk, but it could also be a card from someone you haven’t spoken to in years, a wedding invite for a close friend, a magazine that has an article about your friend in it, and so on… And I came to the conclusion that my hesitation toward commitment is really about possibility. Now, I realize one needs to commit to things in life but I also think commitments should be taken seriously.

Life itself is the ultimate canvas for possibility. And anything is possible.

In a few days, I’ll be turning the big 3-4. Another year I’ve spent on this planet in which the sun has rotated around the earth.

So what?

I’m a firm believer that one is only as old as one feels. For some reason or another, I’ve noticed others think years have to be defined by what they are “supposed” to be doing. You’ve all heard the expressions, “I’m too old for this…” “I shouldn’t be doing that at my age…” “If I was younger…” But hell, why does age matter so much?

Okay, biologically speaking, sure, women can only have kids for so long. But besides that, why can’t one start a career at any age, get married at any age, act immature at any age, or live their dream at any age?

Well, I think you can. Maturity does not come with age, it comes with wisdom. One could argue some ten-year olds are smarter than some fifty-year olds. Just take a look at our Congress. But I digress…

A couple of days ago, I was talking to my sister on the phone and my birthday came up and I shared with her something I do on my birthday, which I’ve never told anyone. Not that it’s some big secret but it’s just never came up in a conversation before. See, several years back, I decided to write myself a note every birthday and then on the following birthday, I open it and read it. It helps me see how far I’ve come, how far I didn’t go and what has changed or not changed about me. It’s quite interesting, actually, especially if you’re of the observe-human-nature type. And this got me thinking when I said it out loud to her…

Age is a great measurement of our time on this earth. Other than that, though, I could care less about it.

Think about it. You think of your age and you can place yourself in a specific time. For example, in 1987, I was ten years old so that means I was entering the fifth grade, had just moved to California from New York and had decided I wanted to be in a play and learn drama.

And this whole story leads me to this blog. I’ve decided to list thirty-four lessons learned, one for every year of my life, every rotation around the sun I’ve lived through, because instead of some number, it’s the experiences that matter most to me and it’s the lessons I learn that help me live a fuller life, which to me is what gives my life meaning. So here goes!

(Quick note – From 0-5, I’m going to theorize…)

YEAR 1 – My mother is an amazing and wonderful woman. (Based on being told that I would hardly go with anyone but her, and I still feel this way.)

YEAR 2 – I like to learn. (Based on being told I started Preschool early.)

YEAR 3 – I can do anything a boy can do. (Based on memories of always wanting to do exactly what my older brother did.)

YEAR 4 – Weather is important. (Based on memories of enjoying jumping in the leaves, playing in the snow, getting to wear shorts after so long, and staying out late at night to play.)

YEAR 5 – The world is larger than I thought. (Based on a memory I have of sitting on a bus for kindergarten orientation.)

YEAR 6 – Religion is a part of life. (Based on memories of first grade at a private, Catholic school where nuns were our teachers and our coloring sheets were about God and Jesus.)

YEAR 7 – Friendship is wonderful. (Based on memories of my neighbor and first best friend, Liz, who I adored playing with.)

YEAR 8 – Learning can be fun. (Based on memories of my third grade teacher, who made math enjoyable with a game she posted all over the back wall.)

YEAR 9 – Boys are cute and I like them in a different way than I like girls. (Based on memories of certain boys.)

YEAR 10 – Life is hard. (Moved away from my childhood town of Buffalo, NY, and left behind my best friend. Also, started a new school in Los Angeles.)

YEAR 11 – I want to be in the entertainment business. (Got my parents to get me headshots and take me to auditions and such.)

YEAR 12 – Life is really hard. (Started another new school, for seventh grade, and didn’t really fit in. Tried out for the play and didn’t get a role. Began acting really weird.)

YEAR 13 – I really want to be in the entertainment business. (Got an agent, went out on auditions, took acting classes, started writing.)

YEAR 14 – I’m not like everyone else and have a hard time fitting in. (Started another new school for ninth grade and once again, didn’t really fit in. Drifted from the close friend I made the previous year but did form a friendship with a new girl I got along with rather well. Fought with my parents. Lied a lot.)

YEAR 15 – Experimentation can be both good and bad. (Not getting specific on this one here.)

YEAR 16 – I love to drive. (Period.)

YEAR 17 – Independence is important to me. (I looked for a college away from home… but not too far away. Decided on San Diego State. Couldn’t wait to get away and live on my own, though I was fully supported by my parents.)

YEAR 18 – Relationships with men can be both destructive and wonderful. (Got out of a dysfunctional relationship I had in high school and entered into a relationship with an awesome guy I met in my dorm.)

YEAR 19 – Partying too much is a bad thing. (Got on academic probation, for the second time.)

YEAR 20 – Friendships are truly important and can teach you a lot about yourself. (After deciding (more so subconsciously than otherwise) that I didn’t need close friends after I left NY and  having been a bad friend throughout the previous years, I finally started to realize close friendships are extremely important.)

YEAR 21 – I want a relationship with my little sister. (After talking to her one night on the phone and learning she was sad and was having eating issues, I realized I hadn’t been there as much as I could have been and have tried to always be there for her since that moment.)

YEAR 22 – I can be okay on my own, without a boyfriend. (Having had a boyfriend in high school from sophomore year to entering college and then immediately getting into another relationship with a great guy for the next four years, I hadn’t really been “on my own.” Knowing I cared more about this person as a friend than a boyfriend, I gathered the courage to break up with him and with the exception of dating people for up to five months or so, I haven’t had a serious relationship since.)

YEAR 23 – Life is hard and tough decisions are needed to be made. (Graduating from college was rough for me. I loved taking classes and loved living in San Diego but knowing I wanted to make films, I knew I had to leave and head back to LA, which I did, but it wasn’t easy.)

YEAR 24 – A job and money are very important.

YEAR 25 – I want to work in the entertainment industry and I like living alone. (I quit waiting tables and worked as an intern at a production company, an assistant for producer Scott Rudin, a receptionist for a post production firm and a set PA. Also, I moved into a studio after having either lived with my parents or roommates and then lived alone for the next seven years.)

YEAR 26 – My father is an amazing man. (After having a bumpy relationship with my father because we butted heads on a lot of things, I began to see him for the amazing man that he is.)

YEAR 27 – Life is about the choices we make for ourselves, especially in the situations we face due to our own making and to no fault of our own. (I was unhappy working as an assistant editor so I quit my job where I was assisting on the latest round of “American Idol”, went back to waiting tables and started to write my first short film. Family became much more important to me as “partying” became less important.)

YEAR 28 – Change is good. (I directed my first short film. I quit smoking cigarettes. I became a better friend. I valued my parents more. I began to mend my relationship with my older brother.)

YEAR 29 – Not only do I want to work in the entertainment industry, but I will continue to live my life as a filmmaker, making the necessary sacrifices because this is what I want to do, what will make me happiest and life is too short not to go after my dreams. (Got into my first film festival with my first short film, began working freelance for Imagine Entertainment as a reader and I still do this to this day, found a serving job I liked that allowed me to work a few lunch shifts a week and started cutting out negativity from external forces I had allowed in my life.)

YEAR 30 – Failure is okay as long as I learn from it. (My second short film didn’t get onto the festival circuit. I was depressed but decided, okay, I’ll keep moving on. I studied what went wrong there and then made my third short, which played on the ’08 fest circuit and gave me my first Los Angeles screening.)

YEAR 31 – Reality is truth, but I can take that reality and mold it through my own actions and mind. (Realized if I wanted to be a filmmaker, sacrifices were going to have to be made. So I made them.)

YEAR 32 – I am capable of love. (My nephew was born and I experienced true, honest and unconditional love for the first time. I would take a bullet for him.)

YEAR 33 – Living one’s dreams makes them reality. (I shot my fifth short film and am prepping it to submit it for the 2012 festival circuit. My last film is being sold on Amazon, my blog is building a readership and my films are building a fan base, albeit small but hey, it’s a beginning.)

YEAR 34 – ???

I’m not too proud of how I handled something lately. I overreacted and got upset because someone didn’t do what I wanted them to do. And while I may have had some valid reasons to get upset, I’m not happy at all about the way I acted toward this person.

Ahhh, always fun to be disappointed with oneself, right? Well, I’ve learned that rather than dwelling on it, it’s best to learn from it and figure it out…

First thing that came to my mind is the fact that I have a temper. I mean come on, I’m 100% Sicilian and from New York, but I try hard to keep it in check and it rarely flares. But when it does, I have to think about why the crazy behavior…

Hm…. and then it hit me. The situation made me vulnerable. And I despise vulnerability.

Once again, turning to my Apple dictionary, by definition vulnerability means “susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm.” Well, who wants that, right? But while the physical part makes complete sense, the emotional part is a bit fuzzier. For example, when we put ourselves out there in dating land, are we not allowing ourselves to be vulnerable? But to what degree are we willing to do so? While most others are probably willing to be more vulnerable in order to get the reward, I’m definitely on the other side of the spectrum in which the moment I feel I’m in a position to be hurt emotionally, at all, I strike back. And I believe that’s why I acted, repeatedly, the way I had with this particular person.

One could argue we largely become who we are based on the experiences of our childhood.

When I was ten, my parents moved us from Buffalo, New York, to Los Angeles, California, and I had to leave my best friend behind. She was the world to me and I struggled greatly with this separation. I mean I started doing rather odd things, like making lists on how to not get too close with the new friends I made and wearing layers of clothing and not wanting anyone to touch me, but before I scare off my readers, I’ll stop there. Suffice to say, I did not take well to the feeling of loss. Though it may have been on a subconscious level, I think it was then that I decided I would not put myself in such a vulnerable position like that again. It kept me at a distance from people for many years. Throughout my young adulthood, I would change friendships like they were disposable. But then, I started building life-lasting friendships and that helped me see being vulnerable was okay and I thought I was really beating this. This recent behavior of mine, however, showed me it’s still in me.

The fear of being vulnerable.

But without some vulnerability in life, especially when dealing with our emotions toward others, do we not greatly limit ourselves? Yes, we have to see what is actually in front of us and being vulnerable is not to be confused with being in denial or naive, but doesn’t it take some vulnerability to connect with someone else?

Being vulnerable can actually be quite courageous.

The other day, I was talking to a very close friend of mine and I mentioned to her something someone said to me, that was about my character, which I completely disagree with, and she said to me, “It’s all relative.” And that got me thinking…

It REALLY is all relative. By definition, using my go-to Apple dictionary, relative means “considered in relation or in proportion to something else.”

Remember that film “Castaway” where Tom Hanks character was on a deserted island after a plane crash and he had to figure out how to live off the land, which included him figuring out how to eat crab? Then remember when he was found by the steamer ship and returned to civilization and at his welcome thing, crab legs were offered, which are typically thought to be delicious and of quality? Well, what I found so great about that scene was the look on Hank’s character’s face when he saw the crab legs. It’s so all relative… Considering the experience he had been through, crab legs were probably the farthest thing he wanted and yet, to many people, they would be thrilled to have a feast of them before their eyes. I LOVE that cinematic moment and it came to my mind when I started thinking about this.

Many of us, and I’m including myself in this, are very quick to make assumptions about people and things without truly getting to know them. It is so easy to see differences among us as bad or scary instead of embracing them and it’s so easy to make presumptions based on what is relative to our experiences but what about taking into account the fact that every experience is actually different? And while we may build theories based on our observations and experiences, individuals are unique.

I have a strong personality. I know that and sometimes, it can rub others the wrong way, especially those who take it like it’s something against them. I am the type of person who will ask questions if I want to know more. I will tell you what I truly think if you ask, but will do my best to have tact while offering an honest answer. I will state my opinion firmly and have no problem if you disagree with me. In fact, I like it. Who wants someone who thinks exactly as they do? Not me. I can appreciate individuality and embrace it in others and myself.

And I mention this because I’ve been realizing that many are quick to make judgements on me because of one thing or another thing, without seeing the whole. They see what is relative to their experiences and who and what they choose to be and do. Years ago, I gave up caring about what others think of me and decided I was just going to be true to myself and let the chips fall where they may. In fact, I made a film about this several years ago. It’s called “The Beginning” in case anyone reading this is interested…

Anyway, recently, a boy I grew quite fond of told me that I was dramatic and he didn’t like it. Hm… well, I am a filmmaker and I do live my life in an almost cinematic mode in which I dare to act perhaps larger than the average person, in the sense of what I mentioned above, but second, and most importantly, it got me thinking about how little he actually knew me. That was his conclusion based on his own criteria and just because he thought it, didn’t mean I had too. But I asked myself, do you think you’re dramatic? And I decided no. I think I’m quite a realist actually but I suppose that when dealing with reality, that which is ACTUALLY there, one can certainly think of it as dramatic because most of the time, people don’t want to deal with what is ACTUALLY there. If I like you, I’m gonna tell you that. If I want to see you, I don’t think there is a need to play games. If I don’t like you, you’ll know. Is that dramatic? Not to me.

But then, it’s all relative.