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Facing your fears.

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There is an air dehumidifier near my bedroom and not long ago, my one-year old nephew began to be scared of it when he hadn’t before. It turns itself on and off, depending on the humidity in the room, and beeps when the water it collects needs to be emptied so perhaps the sounds or machine starts/stops were what was scaring him. I’m not quite sure because he went from being fine with it and touching it to suddenly taking the long way to stay away from it or clinging tightly to me, especially if it made any noise at all, whenever he was near it.

So, one day, when we were playing by it, I tried to show him he had nothing to fear. I touched it and tried to get him to touch it with me or at least get closer to it. And slowly, he did start getting closer. Then, the next time we were near it, I did this again and he got closer and I noticed he would point at it. And though he stayed right by my side, he was intrigued by it. He started looking it over and briefly touched it. Then, the next several times he got braver and began touching it more and more, checking out all the parts of it and soon, he realized there was nothing to be scared of.

Today, he was hugging it.

As I watched this brave little one-year old conquer his fear, I felt proud of him but also slightly embarrassed at how long it has taken me to conquer some fears and that there are still some I haven’t touched. He got me thinking about how something is scary because it’s unknown or evoked panic but with courage and curiosity, that which once looked scary becomes something you can hug.

If only we were all as brave as this one-year old.

Electricity

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Yes, I am one of those people who loves LA. And yes, it is full of phoniness, celebrities and the paparazzi that follow them and facades every which way you turn. BUT, and this is a big but, it’s also a city filled with dreams, hope and endless opportunity. Not only is it a culture swirl, but it’s the land where fantasy meets reality, not to mention the weather is insanely fantastic.

This past weekend, I went to see a show at the Hollywood Bowl that I’ve been dying to see since I found out about it. Two of my favorite bands – Hot Chip and LCD Soundsystem – were not only playing together but were playing together at a beautiful outdoor venue. In LA.

Meeting up with some friends, who I had sooo much fun with, we took the party bus from Westwood to the Bowl, barely catching the last one but managing to make it, though some pedestrians may be cursing me… On it, I sat alone since we were a group of five with seats being in twos, and then a cute and interesting boy sat next to me, making the ride feel like a second long even though the bus was caught in traffic on the 101. Sure, this could happen anywhere, not just in LA, but the backdrop of the Hollywood Hills and the diversity of the bus passengers made it all the more enjoyable.

Then, came the show. Unable to sit with the four friends I went with, because I bought my ticket separate of them, I headed to my box in the Terrace section, glass of wine in hand as the opening band, Sleigh Bells, rocked out. And there, I met the five people who were my box mates for the evening. Unbelievably cool. By the end of the concert, we had become friends. If you don’t know, the bowl is an outside concert venue in the Hollywood hills, beautiful at sunset and lustrous at dark. Hot Chip performed to an excited and dancing crowd and though they sound a bit better on CD then they do live, it was still complete fun dancing around the box to songs I’ve listened to a thousand times as a talented band performed on stage.

And then came a break. SO MANY PEOPLE. Got a quick glass of wine and just happened to make it back to my seat right as LCD Soundsystem took the stage. One of the guys in my box thought I wasn’t coming back to them and I was thrilled to see they seemed cool with me being there. At one point during the show, one of the guys turned to me and in so many words said he thought it was cool I was able to come to this box alone and then be dancing and having fun with them. It didn’t seem like such a big deal to me but then, I guess some people haven’t tapped into the beauty that is adventuring out alone…

LCD was amazing. Sounds even better live and the energy of the crowd was electrifying. It seemed like this group of strangers and friends all came together to enjoy the pulsating beats and intelligent lyrics of James Murphy and his team. I believe it was the guitarist of Hot Chip who also played with LCD that night, which I thought was so perfect, in how it fused two of my favorite bands together. This is a show I will not forget. Here I was, apart from my friends yet having a great time, in a venue tucked into the Hollywood Hills, surrounded by a diverse and rousing crowd. It was intoxicating. Better than any drug.

Still on the music high, my friends and I somehow ended up in a limo with their friends of friends and we headed out to a bar. As we exited the limo, I looked down and saw I was standing on John Lennon’s star. It couldn’t have been any more appropriate. John Lennon is one of my favorite people, of all time. The bar was red and dark and fun to have drinks with the people I came with. Got to know some new cool people also, which is always enjoyable. Except for a guy who decided to spill his drink on me when I wouldn’t talk to him, but hell, that immaturity isn’t going to ruin my fun. My amazing friend didn’t want him to get away with it but her sweet husband quickly grabbed her as we were leaving, to stop her from getting into anything with this obvious juvenile.

And back to our cars we went. Awesome night. Awesome friends. Awesome music. And an awesome cute boy on the bus.

Only in LA. The rainy mist in the air at the bowl in the hills off the legendary Hollywood Blvd, the John Lennon star under my feet, the random mix of artists and strangers in the crowd and perhaps most importantly…

The energy that is Los Angeles permeating the air.

The grass is fine here

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Dating…

I started thinking about dating when the other day, I was in the car with some friends and someone asked me if I was dating anyone. I said no but my close friend pointed out I said this “no” quite happily… and when she pointed that out, I started thinking, huh… am I truly happy that I am single?

To give some history, I was in a three-year relationship when I was in high school and then, when I went to college, I was in a four-year relationship. So, long term relationships are something I know quite a lot about. In fact, had I not broken up with my college boyfriend, which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I might be in a relationship right now that I wish I wasn’t. But the point is, I’ve had experience in long term relationships, so I think I’m qualified to understand what they are about. And as I think about them, I realize, I haven’t really had a real relationship since my college boyfriend, and that was… well… about twelve years ago.

Tonight, I went on a date with a guy who is seriously awesome. He’s attractive, sweet, attentive, intelligent and very creative and yet, I found myself telling him that I think I’m someone who just isn’t meant to be with… well, anyone.

Not wanting children, I’ve never felt a clock ticking or any need to find someone within a certain time frame but as I get older, I find that others ask me why I don’t settle down or date more or etc… and being a filmmaker, my job as always taken precedent but to be honest, I have started thinking about why I don’t make dating more of a priority… especially, when I come across a man who would be worthy of dating…

Hm…. interesting questions. But I don’t quite have the answers and I sit here, wondering, why am I different from those who know they want to be with someone? Sometimes, the thought of having to answer to someone or tell someone what my plans are makes me cringe and then other times, I think it’s nice to have someone to come home to, to hug and talk to but then, my friends and family often offer that… so, I wonder, are there some of us out there who aren’t meant to be in relationships? Are some of us meant to be loners, to fly solo, to do our own thing and answer to no one but ourselves? And if so, do we sacrifice the comfort and closeness of a relationship with another human or do we just not need that? Again, interesting questions but I suppose, the answers are different for everyone… As someone who has always felt quite different from the norm, I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised to realize that I tend to choose to be alone rather than date, but I wonder, is this just because I haven’t found the person that rocks my world?

Maybe the grass isn’t always greener on the other side but rather, the grass is just fine the way it is. I guess we just have to determine which grass we want…

But that’s the hard part…

Birthdays

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In a few minutes, I’ll be turning thirty-three years old.

I like birthdays but not for the obvious reasons. While I enjoy the dinner with my family that I have every birthday, I’m not one to celebrate or think it’s something special for anyone else but me. Birthdays are a bit of a loner holiday for me because I like to ponder what my life has been and is and also, what I want it to be.

To me, birthdays represent the number of years I’ve had the opportunity to live.

And I feel damn lucky that so far, I’ve been given thirty-three of them.

And yes, I’ve had bad times and have suffered but those things aren’t what I focus on. They’re the price I have to pay to experience another day of living. One of the best shows I’ve ever seen on television, SIX FEET UNDER, managed to capture this spirit so eloquently in a scene between the character of David and his dead father, whom he still talks to in his mind and dreams, that I have to include it here to fully describe this: (context: David has recently experienced a very traumatic and horrific occurrence…)

DAVID: [It was] the worst fucking experience of my life.

FATHER: You hang on to your pain, like it means something, like it’s worth something. Well, let me tell you. It’s not worth shit. Let it go. (to the air) Infinite possibilities and all they can do is whine.

DAVID: Well, what am I supposed to do?

FATHER: What do you think? You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you’re alive. What’s a little pain compared to that?

DAVID: It can’t be that simple.

FATHER: What if it is?

And so, in celebrations of birthdays everywhere, I thought I’d write a blog of thirty-three things that I’ve experienced that have made life cool and special and amazing (in no particular order;) things that make me get up in the morning and think to myself, “Thank you, I’ve been given another day.” Perhaps you may want to try it on your birthday…

1. Fruit

2. My family

3. Music (in particular The Beatles, The Clientele, LCD Soundsystem and Kings Of Convenience)

4. the sound of the Pacific Ocean

5. my mother’s cooking

6. my films and writings

7. FILMS (in particular You Can Count On Me, Mother, Home for the Holidays, Godfather I & II, Goodfellas and When Harry Met Sally)

8. journals

9. fiction (in particular the writing of Jonathan Franzen, David Sedaris, JD Salinger, Leo Tolstoy, Franz Kafka and Fyodor Dostoevsky)

10. potatoes

11. HBO television (in particular The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Extras, Tell Me You Love Me and Sex In the City)

12. friends, especially those who accept me for who I am and love me for it

13. My Sicilian heritage on both my mother and father’s side

14. my nephew’s smile

15. mail

16. the ability to learn something new

17. sparkling water with lemon

18. America and its founding principles

19. my two closest friends Jamie and Nicole, two girls who have known me before I even really knew myself and have dealt with me and my worst and yet, still showed me love even though I didn’t deserve it.

20. the feel of a Bic pen in my hand when I just got an idea of something I want to write about

21. post-its

22. Merlot

23. Beautiful perfume by Estee Lauder

24. having known what a great boyfriend is (my college boyfriend) even though he wasn’t the one I was meant to be with

25. philosophy (in particular Ayn Rand, Aristotle, Camus, Nietzsche, Thomas Paine & Voltaire)

26. sunshine

27. jeans and flip-flops

28. my fourteen year-old plant

29. my parents, who are not only my best friends but two people I can trust and believe in.

30. ice cubes

31. driving with the music on loud and the windows opened half way, with no traffic on an open LA freeway

32. people watching

33. having another day, or at the very least, this moment…

Happy Birthday to everyone!

Political thinking.

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American politics allow a forum for discussion because thank God, we still have freedom of speech. We will often disagree with each other and that’s okay. Personally, I believe that if we act our beliefs, vote our beliefs, live our beliefs and fight for our beliefs, we’re enacting the best way to change the system and encourage others to see as we do. To me, example is the best mode of teaching.

But being someone who doesn’t fit nicely into a “party” within our political spectrum, I often find myself at odds with many, many people. Speaking in general terms, when I don’t agree with Conservatives, they think I’m wrong and believe I just don’t understand and when I disagree with Liberals, I find they tend to feel this overwhelming need to defend their positions and prove themselves right. It’s quite comical at times, on both ends.

I want to, however, partake in the political landscape of America. I believe and fight for what I find to be intelligent, true and in the spirit of individual freedom and prosperity, free from any force, whether it be government or my neighbor. And I don’t care what you call me, as I don’t feel the need to label myself. I find that often people lose sight of what is right or wrong because they’re trying to follow the lines of a particular party, so I stay away from those labels…But that’s my choice. I do, however, often find that I have to deal with others throwing random political statistics at me, quoting “journalists” and offering their opinions in what seems to be an effort to discredit my beliefs or prove their “rightness” over what I find to be true. And while I accept this as a part of choosing to take part in political thought in a public manner, I’ve asked myself – how does one demonstrate that difference of opinions are natural and what matters aren’t statistics of “parties” in power but rather basic, fundamental principals of what America should or shouldn’t be? This led me to question if Americans think in terms of political parties or their own belief systems? Political parties are not perfect, no matter whether they are left, right or center so why does it seem so many speak in those terms? Why don’t we debate what is right or wrong rather than what “Republicans” or “Democrats” do or don’t do?

Thomas Paine came to America in the later 1700s from England, where autocratic power ruled. He wrote COMMON SENSE, which was published in 1776. I find this writing to be quite thought provoking and informative. He wrote that he, as author, did not matter but rather “the Object for Attention is the Doctrine itself, not the Man.” Ah… This book is quality reading for anyone interested in American politics and I recommend it wholeheartedly.

And I would like to offer these questions: What do you want for America? What do you believe in? What does government have the right to force others to do? What does it mean to be free? If there were no earners, how would government hand-outs be paid for? If there is no incentive for productivity, will the producer continue to produce in America? And if they don’t, what will happen then? What do you expect from your government? And what do you believe “”Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness” means? Is America a place to be granted things without earning them? And if so, who exactly gives them and from what money?

Some political food for thought… Not to be agreed or disagreed with, but rather as a means of invoking one to think about these things…

Something to be said for bluntness.

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In the past few months, I’ve found myself getting interested in the sitcom, “Everybody Loves Raymond.” Yes, I know this show was on years ago but I never watched it then. I tend to do this. I didn’t watch “Seinfeld” until it was off the air, and now I think it’s pure genius. Didn’t watch “Sex in the City” or “Six Feet Under” until they were airing their final seasons but I started at the beginning and fell madly in love with both…

Anyway, after watching “Everybody Loves Raymond”, besides forming a crush on Ray Romano (who, by the way, has a new show on TNT – “Men of a Certain Age” – and it’s fabulous,) I grew fond of his parents, Frank and Marie. They are these two bickering Italians, who are nosy, know-it-all, pushy, loving, funny and blunt. And when an episode came on where they were actually the healthy couple BECAUSE they were blunt and said what was on their mind and how they felt, it got me thinking… Sure, this couple is loud and obnoxious, but at least they tell it like it is. Maybe they don’t have much tact but they don’t hold things in, and if they try, it’s only a matter of time before it comes out.

And you know, there’s something to be said for bluntness.

While I think we should try to have tact and be understanding of others’ feelings, isn’t it better in the long run to just tell it like it is rather than keep it inside and compensate for it through vices, sarcasm, anger or pain? Why not say how you feel, when you feel it? As the show implies, maybe Frank and Marie aren’t as horrible as they appear…

As someone who more than not says exactly how she feels, I’ve figured out that many people are sensitive and one’s words and actions can be misconstrued. So while I do think that Frank and Marie Barone have a great point in being blunt and putting their feelings out in the open so that when they put their head on their pillow at night, they aren’t thinking about what they kept inside, it’s still important to remember to be considerate of others.

Maybe they don’t choose to do as you do, or even agree with you. That’s okay.

At least, you did as you believed. What more can you do?

There’s something to be said for bluntness.

Independence

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I have been an independent person since my childhood. At least, that’s what I’m told. And as far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to do things for myself, and never minded spending time alone. For me, independence is a highly valued virtue and one I do not take for granted. It is something I will fight very hard for, especially if I come across someone who wants to take it away from me.

In simple terms, Independence is self-rule, free from outside control. (Defined with the help of my handy Apple dictionary.) Granted, if one FORCES their rule over others, they should suffer the consequences and be punished. Otherwise, let us make choices for ourselves…

We, Americans, have a great degree of independence and I appreciate all those before me who have fought for this independence that I benefit from. I know it hasn’t been an easy way, a charmed road or a perfect journey to gain this independence, and there have been many bumps and detours and horrific occurrences along the way. But then, there has been much joy and a nation created for those to prosper under the truths of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” It did not grant us handouts but paved the way for us to create the independent life we want for ourselves.

As I watch America move away from independence and head toward dependence, on government in particular, I am full of sorrow. I do, however, believe we are still a great nation who values life and one’s ability to create the life one wants, and for that, I am grateful. As a first generation Italian American, whose family (on both sides) didn’t even make roots in America until the 1950s, I have seen the American Dream at work. My father rose from little means to become a successful businessman, putting himself through college while working full-time with a son and a wife, and through his own mind and body, he created his own success.

I love you, America. I thank you for what you have done for me and my family. I know you are not perfect, but I also know neither am I. But I do believe we both strive to be independent and self-reliant and for that, I feel privileged.

Happy Fourth of July!

Yes, master.

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The other day, the wireless router for my computer was having trouble and I couldn’t get online. After trying a few times, I thought, okay, well, I’m sure it will be fine soon. Maybe an hour goes by and I try again. No better. I start to wonder if maybe something is really wrong. But I continue working, which I was doing on my computer, and thought, well, I’m sure it will be fine by morning. I should clarify that I’m a reader for a production company and I do these things called “coverage” which are reports basically on the assignment I’m given, whether it be a script, book, play, etc. Anyway, to make a long story short, I hand in my coverage via email to my boss at whatever deadline I’m given. And in this case, I had to have it in the next morning. So, I finish my work, sleep a few hours and wake up to revise and edit it before handing it in. Bad news. Internet is still down. I start to worry. I try all the troubleshooting I know how and still nothing. I go to another computer in the house, a PC laptop (I’m a MAC user and it’s a desktop) and plug the router directly into it. It works. I hand in my assignment with only minutes to spare. And then I breath.

Flash forward to today. I’ve been known to drop things. And my phone has been, well, dropped a few times. But suddenly, it just decided to call it quits today. And I realized I couldn’t get any calls, make any calls or do practically anything with it. I learned this around 11am. By noon, I was panicking. Shit, my job could be trying to get a hold of me. Man, what about all the festivals I’ve submitted my film to? What if today is the day I get a call? Crap, what about my friends who need to get a hold of me? And my mom who calls 911 if I don’t call her back immediately? And what about text messages? I’ll never be able to retrieve those. And the photos I have saved on it and blah, blah, blah.

I had to tell my mind to shut the hell up. It’s a phone for Christ sake. And that’s when I realized how truly dependent I’ve become on technology. And it kinda made me sick to my stomach. I remember the days of high school, and yes, I’m about to date myself right now, where “landlines” didn’t exist, they were just known as phones. We had actual answering machines and if you were out of the house, either you used a pay phone or you didn’t make a call. No one could just get a hold of you at any time, anywhere. We didn’t talk about the “internet” and “social networking.” If you wanted to see photos of someone, you had to actually be in the presence of the actual photo.  And while there are definite benefits to the advancements of technology, it has also, in many ways, taken over our lives and one has to stop and ask, do we control technology? Or does it control us?

And not all new technology beats its predecessors. When I listen to vinyl records, I’m reminded of this. When I watch a 35mm film, it’s depth of beauty is more haunting than any digital film I’ve ever seen.

As today progressed, and I got used to not having a cell phone, I have to admit. It was kinda freeing. And though I will go get a new one tomorrow, I will always remind myself that it is I who holds the power. Not it.

stream of traveling

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packing. flying out. landing. NYC. first time. subway. great guide, what a sister. advertisement square. crowded. old school stuff, radio city music hall and rockefeller center. walking. dinner at diner from Seinfeld. nothing alike on the inside. BLT. talking, catching up. sleep. early morning. old friend, late as usual. RIP John Lennon – dakota building and strawberry fields. central park. coldness. lunch with childhood friend. awesome. catchup on twenty years or so. three hour lunch in a minute. walk. coldness. sad and quick goodbye. subway. drink, waiting. old friends. record club. happy. fun cabbie. too much excess. need air. sister’s work. comfortable. happy. meet her boy. sleep. and more sleep. sis says that’s enough sleep. walking. yummy NY pizza. sister. missed ferry. sad for a moment. bad planning. wall street. shopping. walking. snacks. separate. old friend part two. hang session. like old times. photo session. tall buildings. subway. takeout, movie, roommate, packing. sleep for a tiny bit. two minute shower, no makeup, out the door around 7am. bus upstate. small towns, trees, two lane roads. buffalo. once was home. rental car. grandparents. food. and more food. and…more food. hang out. sleep. up and at them early-ish. festival prep. parents arrive. family. food. theater. drink before. journal. festival screening. family, family, family. happy. after hours. bar, drinks, family, good time. perhaps too much good time. sleep. wake up. realize yes, way too much good time. recover. nap. get together thrown by amazing aunt. all family in one room. awesome. more food. cute boy with piercing eyes stops by. happy. goodbyes. late night. sleep. hot breakfast. love my aunt. always have. drop off. goodbyes. airport. standby. earlier flight becomes not much earlier. delay from broken fan. cool couple. chat. interesting. flight two. pictures of visit looked at. meal. drink at bar. boarding. reading. sleeping. pickup.

home sweet home.

A Rarity

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I went to college in San Diego after graduating high school in Los Angeles. I was excited to leave the place I did the majority of my growing up, to venture out into the “real” world, which for me meant 150 miles from my home town.

I believe it was the day after I moved into the co-ed dormitory that I met a girl who lived across the hall from me. She told me I was going to love the girl who was going to be her roommate, a friend of hers from high school and someone she had known for years. She was absolutely positive that we would hit it off.  I thought to myself, well, that would be cool because I know absolutely no one here, but I didn’t really put too much weight into what she said since after all, she had only known me for twenty-four hours, if that.

Then, a couple days later, her roommate moved in and I was introduced to her. And surprisingly, we took to each other nicely. I believe there was a fire alarm (a common occurence at our dorm) and we ended up sitting outside, smoking cigarettes and getting to know each other. And you know, we really did hit it off. We just went together like peanut butter and jelly, and from then on, we have been close friends. That was fourteen years ago…

Tonight, we hung out, which is always a pleasure for me, and as we walked her dog, she said she had to get her mail. We stopped at her car and I made a joke about her getting her mail at her car but she said no, I have something for you. And then, she handed me a book. It was, in essence, a book that was soooooo me. And only someone who knew me reallllllly well would know that I would absolutely love this book.

And at that moment, I thought to myself, I am so fortunate to have this person in my life, not because she got me a gift but because she is someone who has taken the time to truly know me. I love her and cherish her and her friendship means quite a lot to me. Though we live in different cities and don’t get to see each other all that often, the hours I spend with her go by like minutes and she will forever be someone I will be there for no matter what.

As we go through life and meet people who come and go, the type of person I speak of here is rare. Cherish them. They are few and far between.