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Stream of Positivity

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It’s easy to get distressed about the state of America (yes, the world as a whole but I’m writing about my homeland for purposes of this being a blog post for the Fourth of July 2012.) And I bet good money everyone, who are ANYWHERE on the political spectrum and aware of even a little about the affairs of this country, would have something to say about what’s wrong with America.

The list is long and plentiful, I believe.

BUT

There are good things too and those are rarely talked about or thought of. As one who talks about politics and/or reads politics on a daily basis and therefore get depressed quite often, I decided today will not be a day I focus on what’s wrong. But rather, today, I will focus on what’s right. Because yes, America has its challenges, its dysfunctions, its disasters and its idiocy but it also has its glory, its independence, its fight, its brotherhood and its specialness.

This list might not be as long as it’s partner, Mr. Negativity, but it’s not too short either.

Here’s my stream of positivity on some good things about America!

built on the principal of “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness”, allows the possibility for anyone to change their situation in life through the work of their own mind and body, the UNITED states, the different climates, “brown vs. board of education”, the constitution, opportunity to openly protest, the soldiers who defend it, the first amendment, the separation of powers, the dream it stands for, the opportunity it provided for my grandparents, the life it allows for me, the beauty of its strength, the thirteenth amendment, its flag, its atlantic and pacific shores…

I invite you to add to this list with your own positive thoughts about America…

Cheers, Happy Fourth of July!

Connection

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To supplement my income until filmmaking brings in the dough, I work as a reader and part-time lunch server. A couple of months ago, I was laid off from the serving job I had worked at for about six years. I primarily worked Mon thru Wed lunches and not only did I have these same shifts since I started, but I rarely deviated from them.

The math tells a story. For six years, serving the same three lunch shifts week in and week out, one can only guess how many people I’ve met in terms of this job only. I think a number in the mid thousands is a fair estimate, yes? With that number in mind, think about how some of those people were regulars, meaning they came in on a weekly or bi-weekly basis, and how those same people could start to become more to me than simply another human I was serving.

Well, for the first time for me as a server (and I’ve served on and off for about fifteen years), this happened. I thought about it today and realized something about these people. Can’t say we were friends but hard to say we weren’t. Can’t really say I thought much about them outside of work but while with them there, conversation flowed and carried over to next time. Can’t say I wanted to see them all the time but after two months, I do miss them. This may not be the typical relationship I have with people in my life, but I can say something for sure.

With many of my regular customers, I’d be lying if I said them all, I felt a connection.

Perhaps it was just being in the same place at the same time, over and over again, but is it not a connection nonetheless? For some, this may be the UPS guy who comes into your office everyday or the sandwich shop girl who makes your meal the moment she sees you coming. These connections, while seemingly random and lacking in depth, can be very real and meaningful.

So this blog is dedicated to those connections I made while at my last job. Due to circumstances outside my control, I was unable to say goodbye to most of them and they went from being in my life for years to being someone I’ll probably never see or talk to again, unless our paths just happen to cross… And while this is what it is, and life will go on and I’ll likely forget many of these people, the connection we shared will always exist and just maybe, we’re all the better for it.

I think I am.

So Cheers!

to the pretty lady who sat at the counter, ordered quickly and treated everyone with respect and a smile;
to the silent businessman who appreciated good service and being left alone;
to the adorable senior citizen couple who were both sharp, witty and kind;
to the vendor who came in for a pulled pork sandwich every now and then and told us about his poker games;
to the couple who were outside the door exactly at open so they could get the booth;
to the business lady who kept to herself but let you know she appreciated you remembering her order;
to the lawyer who became part of our restaurant family;
to the outspoken Italian who still came in after the passing of his dear significant other:
to the woman who was his significant other, who had become my friend before she left us, RIP Andy;
to the group of guys who came in, ate quick and made you laugh;
to the owners of the building the restaurant was in, who were cool and respectful;
and to the guy who came in for the same to-go and always made a point to say hello.

My Father

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Strong. Loving. Determined. Stubborn. Honest. Amazing. Calm. Kind. Rigid. Tough. Caring. Real. Extraordinary. Deep. Nerdy. Intelligent. Hard working. Powerful. Well read. Philosophical. Intriguing. Unusual. Smart. Cute. Wonderful. Successful. Willful. Conscious. Helpful. Principled. Trustworthy. Firm. Good.

My father.

A gift from the forces of nature that was bestowed upon me without any doing of my own. I must have done something right in another life… And when I get sad or depressed or think the world is against me and nothing is going my way, all I have to do is think about my father and I suddenly realize, I’m the luckiest person in the world. (not to mention my amazing mother, but that’s another blog…)

Good parents are truly invaluable.

It’s not about what they give you or do for you or offer you.

It’s about WHO they are.

 

Truth

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I went on a date tonight with a boy whom I find attractive, smart and intriguing. Pretty much all the qualities I’m looking for, not to mention he’s taller than me, hah, something I love.

However…

I suddenly found myself reverting back to the shy, insecure girl of nineteen who I often remember fondly but never miss too much. There she was tonight though, rearing her ugly head as the self-conscious me. Man, I don’t miss being a teenager, but why, I wonder, did this retro-self of mine make a cameo appearance?

And then it hit me.

Maybe it’s because this is someone I could actually be with.

A friend of mine made an observation of me a little while back and I brushed him off, not wanting to hear it, but truth be told, his comment hasn’t left my mind since he’s said it. Basically, he told me I date men who pose no real possibility of being someone I would have a real relationship with, so I in turn feel comfortable with them. I thought he was crazy at the time, but now, well… I think he’s actually quite astute.

Sometimes, no matter how smart one is, others see us in a light in which we are unable to see ourselves. They act as a mirror of sorts, being reflective and can be both welcoming or not, but if they illuminate truth, it’s only a matter of time till one sees it for oneself…

I may not have all the answers when it comes to my dating life, but every step I make toward finding the real love I’m searching for even if I sabotage myself often, I can’t help but think I’m moving in the right direction.

Truth has that way. It can be hurtful, that’s for sure, especially when brought to one’s attention despite one’s best effort to deny it, but once appreciated and understood, it offers the best foundation to leap from…

I’m leaping. We’ll see where I land…

To be continued.

Self Image

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I recently encountered someone who would say one thing about himself but then his actions would completely contradict exactly what he said. I kept noticing it and started to think about it. Was he delusional? In denial? Or just full of shit and perhaps did or did not know it?

But then, as I was driving, I was struck with a memory about myself.

When I was in my mid-late twenties several years back,  I was dating regularly. Some relationships lasted a few months, others not even close, but the point is, I was dating. I remember, however, telling guys that I didn’t date much and I wasn’t really looking for a relationship. I didn’t tell them this to pull a fast one on them. I wholeheartedly believed it… or so I thought until I realized something one day.

I had this image of myself in my head that wasn’t true in reality, based on what I actually did. I thought of myself one way, perhaps the way I wanted to be, but I wasn’t actually that way.

And I remember that when I realized this, it was like the clouds parted and I was enlightened.

So, I cut this guy some slack because I really do think he thinks one way about himself without being conscious about how in reality, that isn’t the case at all. I’d love to share with him my story of enlightenment but I don’t think it will do any good. One has to realize this for oneself…

Self image.

Do you see yourself as you really are?

Something Special

/ christinaparisi / 4 Comments

Have you ever hit such a low point in dealing with the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s who you fancy) that you consider just changing your number and moving to Alaska all in an effort to forget your behavior?

Hah, well, maybe I’m exaggerating… a little, but who hasn’t sent one too many texts or let their pride get in the way or drunk dialed or became a bit insane, like in that scene in SWINGERS when Mikey phones the girl who gave him her number at a bar like fifteen times that same night?

I bet good money we’ve all been there. And it’s not pretty.

And after going through yet another episode in which I perhaps did not handle myself as well as I would have liked, I realized that yes, I can get too explainy, and yes, I fight like a lion if one hurts my pride and yes, if I had believed someone only to learn they were full of shit, I get upset. Very upset. But when I sit back and think about it, I realize I get upset because I didn’t meet the one I’ve been looking for. So, in actuality, it’s not them. It’s me.

I have a high standard for who I’m going to be with. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw from SEX IN THE CITY, “I am someone who is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” And if I date someone who I like and want to pursue but then see they aren’t exactly feeling it or are moving away from it rather than toward it, I lash out. It’s something I need to work on… lesson learned. Again. But there’s another factor involved here and it’s called…

Something Special.

It’s not hard to find someone to be with if one keeps their expectations low or are willing to put up with others who are disrespectful, dishonest or unkind. But what about those of us who are not willing to accept any of this? Of course no one is perfect, myself included, but as the old saying goes, it’s about finding someone who is perfect for you.

But something incredibly special exists, right?

YES.

I’ve been blessed with two parents who found each other when they were in their teens and are still madly in love to this day. They set the bar high. So I’ve seen with my own two eyes, that yes, something special does indeed exist. But then, when I look around me and see the many people I know in relationships, I also realize that while something special does exist, it’s incredibly rare.

One could sigh at this, but I’ve made a decision.

Something special is worth finding…

Pain

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Life hurts. People hurt us. We hurt ourselves.

For a long time, I kept to myself out of fear of being hurt. Sure, I had friends and even boyfriends, but I made sure to never let them get too close to me. Even to this day, I still (to some degree) live the life of a loner but I’ve definitely been much more conscious about being more open to others than I ever have in the past.

Today, however, it really bit me in the ass.

I had opened up to another person even though we had something going against us – a vast age difference. He was much younger than me. At first, it bothered me but after getting to know him, I gradually didn’t care about the age and only cared about the person. I thought he had felt the same way until I learned today that was not the case. And it hurt. I had exposed myself and thought I understood someone only to realize I didn’t. At all.

As I walked out of his life, I thought about the pain that comes from liking someone who decides not to like you back. How it’s enough to make you put that drawstring right back on your heart so that you don’t have to feel such pain because man, it stings like a bitch. But then, I stopped myself…

Yes, this whole trying to be open to people is hard enough on its own and then throw in someone else, who ends up hurting you, and man, you want to down a bottle of vodka, but I can’t help but be happy with myself for not pulling up that drawstring around my heart like I had so many times in the past.  All these things are so incredibly new to me that yes, I am dealing with pain that can bring tears to my eyes in seconds, but at least I’m dealing, putting myself out there, being vulnerable, not settling and searching for the gold.

Pain.

It hurts.

But would we know happiness without it?

Timing

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I’m sure it’s safe to say that most of us, if not all, have heard the expression “timing is everything”.

Today, I’m pretty sure that not only is there truth in that but it was likely first said by someone who realized that life is like a puzzle, and there are moments that come together and fit perfectly to create a whole. I think we finish a ton of puzzles throughout our lifetime, some many more than others, but I also think timing has a lot to do with them.

I recently lost a job all the while dealing with the fact that my latest film has been rejected from the majority of film festivals I’ve submitted it too. (For those who don’t know, filmmaking is my life.) And while it would be very easy to get depressed about these two things, I’ve been trying incredibly hard to stay positive.

But I’ve had some help.

Is it a coincidence that I just happen to find a guy who I genuinely want to know and be with right before I lose a job that I enjoyed very much? Now while the fact I lost the job makes me sad, it’s hard to stay that way after meeting someone who makes me so happy.

But okay, I chalk it up to a coincidence and leave it at that.

Tonight, however, makes me think it might not just be happenstance…

As mentioned, I’ve been thinking a lot about my films, which isn’t that surprising since I probably think about them 90% of my day, but in particular, I’ve been thinking about my latest film which has yet to play a festival. It deals with the topic of individual responsibility for oneself. Those who are avid fans of my films, cheer me on and tell me to keep doing what I’m doing (though give me constructive criticism as well,) but it’s been hard because I know I make films that are not going to appeal to the masses. While there is definite room in the cinematic marketplace for escapism films, they seem to be all the rage and I by no means make them.

Today, I was cleaning out my office and came upon a DVD of a film called “Think of Me”. I looked it up on IMDB and saw that Lauren Ambrose was in it. I’m a huge fan of hers from her work in “Six Feet Under” so that was enough to get me to play it. I popped it in and settled back with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of wine and some diet coke on ice. I was hooked within ten minutes. And captivated until the end. I had tears in my eyes and I don’t cry at movies unless they somehow connect with me, deeply, on a human level. This film did and chances are, next to no one has heard of it.

Timing.

This is the EXACT film I needed to see right now. It was beautiful, courageous, honest, real and thoughtful. And the fact that it was made gives me such hope that I have a renewed energy about making the films I make. Sure, these films may not reach the audiences or profit level that a film like “The Avengers” might but I realize I don’t care. Artists stay true to themselves and I believe there IS an audience for honest work based in reality.

Timing may not be everything but damn, it sure it is something.

To try

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Have you ever heard of this idea or question or whatever you call it, that goes something like this:

Try to pick up that pencil. Either you do or you don’t. There is no try.

Well, it’s always stayed with me. I think I heard it in a film but I can’t be entirely sure of that. Regardless, I have been one who has thought trying wasn’t good enough. Either you do or you don’t. But what if trying is the doing? What then?

I’m a filmmaker (for those who don’t know) and I’m greatly trying to get my films out there. It’s been a hard road and sometimes, I get a bit down when I don’t reach the heights I set for each of my films or my career as a whole for that matter. There have been wonderful moments, like playing at a festival and then having someone from the audience come up to me to talk about my film, but there’s also been really sad moments, such as recently, when my latest film gets one rejection after the next. So sometimes, I struggle with keeping my positivity in check.

But I try.

I try to keep the faith. I try to stay on track. I try to keep moving forward. I try to get my life to a place I want it to be. I try to find someone to share it with. I try to see reality. I try to be honest. I try to love. I try to treat others with respect. I try to be creative in all that I do. I try to understand everything I can. I try to be conscious. I try to make my one opportunity at life be everything I want it to be.

I try. But sometimes, I don’t succeed.

And with this trying, comes some depression, hardship, anxiety, reality battling my dreams, dealing with the truth, deciding what I will accept or not accept from others, figuring out if there’s someone out there I could love and could love me back…

But still, I try. And I will try for as long as I can breathe.

In a beautifully written moment in my favorite new show BOARDWALK EMPIRE, the main character says to the woman he’s with after she starts to realize he has a dark side, “We all have to decide for ourselves how much sin we can deal with.” Wow. Poignant. But maybe it’s applicable here also. Perhaps we all just have to figure out what we’re willing to try and not.

Sure, you may be able to pick up a pencil. That’s easy. But some things, like going after your dream job or finding your true love, aren’t so easy. So you have to try. And you might not succeed but maybe, just maybe, the trying is enough.

I don’t know, but at least I’m trying to figure it out…

Some rules are made to be broken.

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A couple of days ago, I walked into a restaurant with the boy who I’m dating. When the host seated us, my date asked if we could have a table where we could sit next to each other rather than across from each other.

I paused.

Hold the phone.

First, allow me to explain. I’m an ex-server. I’ve waited tables for more years than the average three-year old can count up to and therefore, I know the rules of serving. And one of them, which most servers would back me on in a heartbeat is this: sit where the host seats you and don’t ask for a table with more chairs than your party is going to sit in.

Dilemma though.

Truth is, I wanted to sit next to him. Plain and simple. So I glanced around and saw there were several open tables and so I justified it in my head. But this got me thinking about rules. Are some to be broken? Or do we break them only when it’s convenient to us?

Well, I decided this. Considering it was nice to sit near him, that I want to do it again and that I liked how he asked for a table in which we could do so, I figure some rules are meant to be broken.

BUT

I am now taking that one off my server rules list. Let couples sit near each other! I will never again roll my eyes at the thought, even if they take up my four top.