Why I didn’t register for my wedding.

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I’m getting married in a few months and par for the course, I’ve been getting asked a ton of questions about it: where are you getting married? when is it? what color is your dress? how are you doing your hair? what is the groom wearing? what’s the color scheme? are you having a wedding party?

And those questions are easy. I give the answer and people seem to accept those answers with a nod of their head or a warm smile or a cute story about their own wedding.

But then… there’s another question that keeps popping up. And my answer seems to either confuse people or offend them, neither of which is my intent.

Q: Where are you registered?

A: I’m not.

Yes, it’s true. I did not register at any store for my wedding and here’s the simple reasons why:

I think the whole point of gifts should be that they come from the mind of the giver, not the receiver.

I think gifts should be surprising and not predetermined.

I think telling someone what you want for a gift defeats its purpose.

While it’s very kind people are asking my fiance and I what we would like as a gift, I can’t help but think that the purpose of an invite is not to invite someone to give you a gift but rather an invite for someone to join you in celebrating a most joyous occasion. And any gift they decide to give can just come from the heart.

Nearly three years ago, I received the ultimate gift when the universe introduced me to my fiancé. I am grateful everyday that I’m with him. Had the universe asked me what I wanted for a gift, I would never have been able to draw him exactly on paper and yet, he’s the most perfect gift I’ve ever received, which I never really knew I needed until I was given it.

To everyone whose wedding I’ve been to…

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Maybe it’s just me but now that I’m getting married, I am realizing that I have a few things to apologize for to those whose weddings I’ve been to.

In my defense, I could say I’ve never really known much about weddings and while that is true, it’s a very poor excuse. I’ve just never really given them much thought or cared to. Definitely not to the degree they deserve. I realize now how much goes in to each and every one, no matter what shape or size. And how it’s truly an honor to be included in such an intimate occasion.

I have not always treated weddings as they deserve to be treated so I would like to take a moment to write an open letter to anyone whose wedding I’ve been to…

I am sorry for ever making it about me.

I am sorry for drinking tooooooo much. Too much would have been okay, tooooooo much was not.

I am sorry for when I actually wrote on an RSVP that I might bring that guest you so nicely offered me but would have to confirm at a later date. (J, I hope you’re reading this!)

I am sorry for having an uninvited date arrive after dinner at your wedding. (N, I hope you’re reading this!)

I am sorry for being late.

I appreciate you including me and was honored to be there.

Thank you.

Cheers to eternity!

A political growth chart

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With the upcoming 2016 election here in America, politics is in the air… for better or worse.

And I’ve begun to notice that this time around, many more of my friends and acquaintances are taking an active interest in the political landscape. More than ever before it seems and this got me thinking about how one goes through a journey as they submerge themselves into politics…

As for my own personal journey into politics, I credit my mother with its origin of moving me from passive bystander to informed doer. About eight or nine years ago, I noticed she had become much more interested in politics and the actions of our government and the discussions we had led me to wanting to know more. They also made it glaringly obvious to me that I had not taken much interest in something that I was finding to be of utmost importance – political affairs, especially those of the government who work for me.

My journey has taken me on many roads as I try to navigate the path I want to take. To date, Ron Paul has been the only politician in office that I have fully believed in. I hope more will be added to the list in the future…

Overall, I believe my political journey has made me a better person. Not only by becoming more informed, but by becoming politically active as well. After all, how can you make change if you don’t do something about the change you want to make?

It wasn’t a smooth road though. Passion runs high when one first embarks on the road of politics. And after learning about what is really going on, emotions will become intense. Not to mention with the advent of the Internet, which is quite new in the grand scheme of things, a wealth of information has never been so readily available. It all can come at you pretty hard. And typically, outrage will come. And you’ll want to voice it.

As I see my Facebook newsfeed light up with political news rather than mindless pop-candy, I am thrilled. It takes The People to make true change, not those in power, as both main parties continuously prove over and over again. But I also see a lot of blood boiling and anger running high, which led me to think about different stages of political growth…

POLITICAL GROWTH CHART

Infancy: Every sense is on overload and high alert. You struggle as you attempt to learn the basics.

Toddler: You tell everyone your opinion, which you think is the only one that should exist.

Child: You start to have some legs to walk on but you argue way more than you reason.

Teenager: You begin to appreciate differences in thought and opinion but still, you like things your way.

Young Adult: You accept that others think differently than you. Action replaces talking about what you are going to do or what others should do.

Adult: Your mantra becomes, “God [or who or what you believe in,] grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Little changes

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It’s the little things in life that really take us through our days, no?

While the big things can be splendid and magnificent, they are likely rare and not an everyday thing. But we as humans, fortunate enough to be alive that is, live every second of everyday. And even if you are the “it” celebrity of the moment or at the peak of your career, you still deal with the seconds and minutes of every day, no matter who you are.

The other day, I was watching the comedian Louie CK, who I think does a great job at delivering a social commentary in a comedic yet sharply observant way, albeit comfort is not his main concern. Anyway, I was catching up on his show and in one of his stand up bits, he said life is short “if you’re a child who died” but otherwise, it’s not so short.

This got me thinking about how long life is (hopefully!) and yet how short it ends up in the grand scheme of things. I started thinking about time in a different way. How what I do now may have ripple effects that don’t even come to life until my physical presence is gone and how small I really am.

And yet, how large I am too. How one person can make a difference and truly change the world. Hello, Steve Jobs…Albert Einstein…

Life is short in the grand scheme of things but long in the sense that everyday is 24 hours, which means we have 1440 minutes in every single day given to us and that IS a lot of time for us to do many things.

With this new outlook on time, I decided that if it’s the little things in life that get us from day to day, then it’s also the little changes along the way that help define and mold us into the people we are and become. While it’s important to smell the roses, it’s also important to ask if the roses are what you want to be smelling and if not, what is?

Here’s my list of eleven little changes I want to start implementing. Do you have any?

1. No longer kill insects when I see them. Only do so if I have to.

2. Practice more patience in the car. (I drive in LA, this will be VERY hard.)

3. Buy even less processed food than I do. (love chips and canned soup…)

4. Spend more time in and with nature.

5. Focus on breathing.

6. Meditate.

7. Ride my bike instead of driving, way more than I do.

8. Clean my shower more.

9. Treat my amazing fiance with even more love, as he not only allows me the freedom to express myself loudly but also has patience  and the most calming presence I’ve ever known.

10. Use cash more instead of credit.

11. Recognize the differences and celebrate those that move love, peace and wisdom forward.

A Modern Day Fairy Tale

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Once upon a time, there were two men, Adam and Aaron, both of whom were looking for someone to date and get to know and who knows, maybe even end up marrying! Both men wanted to find a woman to share their life with. Both men wanted love, security and happiness.

But each man viewed women very differently.

Adam appreciated women. He viewed them as beautiful individuals. He knew that both sexes were equal but different and he celebrated the differences among them. He enjoyed the complexities of the female mind and heart and he was willing to share the complexities of his own mind and heart. He found women beautiful and though not all of them had been nice to him, he understood women were every bit as important as his own gender.

Aaron, on the other hand, didn’t appreciate women. He viewed them as irrational individuals. He thought that both sexes were vastly different and believed men were superior in some ways, even if he wouldn’t admit it out loud. He found the complexities of both men and women to be overwhelming, more often than not, and though he found women beautiful, he viewed that beauty with skepticism and distrust.

Both men had previous relationships and both men had been hurt by women in their past.

After years of searching the lands far and wide, each man found a mate. Adam found Rose, a beautiful woman with long flowing hair and a mind that rivaled that of Einstein. She was deep in thought and simple in taste. Rose was strong, honest and hardworking. Aaron found a beautiful woman too, Daisy, also with long flowing hair but her mind didn’t rival that of Einstein. And Daisy was mean, dishonest and petty.

Both men married the woman they met but only one man ended up happy.

Adam and Rose lived happily ever after despite hardships they faced. Aaron and Daisy did not live happily ever after. They divorced a few years later.

Moral of the story:

What you seek has everything to do with how you view it.

The Living

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I’ve been struggling lately with something. I don’t think I’m looking for it. I know I hate it. And yet, it seems to be everywhere and all I want to do is call it out for what it is.

Bullshit.

Pardon my language but “nonsense” is just not strong enough a word. I’m talking about the real deal. The meaningless crap that sucks one’s life away. The people who talk the talk but walk a very different walk. The actions of most Republicans and Democrats in office.

It’s all been driving me a bit mad, lately. As though my bullshit meter got turned to high alert… so how to stop it from making me absolutely miserable?

Recently, my sister recommended the show “The Walking Dead” to me. At first I said, “nah, I’m not into zombie stuff,” but then she proceeded to tell me about how the story wasn’t all about that but actually more about the living, the humans who survived. Now, that intrigued me. So I watched the first episode and haven’t been able to stop. It poses and explores all kinds of deep questions about survival and humanity. It’s complete mind candy.

And lo and behold, I think it’s helped with my struggle about dealing with bullshit.

As I watched this story unfold about survival, I realized that life IS a struggle, zombies or no zombies, and it’s ALL about how we deal with that struggle.

I will never be able to stop all the bullshit out there but I can learn to live in a world in which it exists because the bottom line is, it does. Life is imperfect. It’s a struggle. There are evil forces out there. I can let that fact make me miserable or I can choose otherwise. It’s up to me to decide what to focus on. Like the characters on the show demonstrate, living isn’t simple and it isn’t black and white. It’s gray and all sorts of messy. But what it ultimately comes down to, at its very core, is how we treat ourselves and others.

My wedding dictionary

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Balance Beam: what the bride will feel like she’s walking on at times.

Bride: someone who will have a lot of decisions to make.

Cake: deliciousness.

Calendar: something that appears much longer than it actually is.

Children: not wanted, sorry.

Dress: cloth and beads that cost the price of a car.

Flowers: kinda unnecessary, albeit pretty.

Food & Drink: yes and yes.

Groom: someone who is along for the ride.

Guest List: hardest damn part of the whole affair.

Honeymoon: pure fun.

Invitations: an awful lot of wasted paper.

License: something I’m sure we’ll forget.

Love: the guiding light.

Marriage: The Point.

Wedding: a great big party, of all sizes, that celebrates a couple’s love.

Wedding Industry: a business, first and foremost, with a lot of extra add-ons that seem…unnecessary… foolish even, like a movie premiere spotlight, outside the church?

Why?

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As I was talking politics tonight, someone said to me, “Well, your friend Rand Paul…” and continued with their theory of why Rand is no good. I stopped them and said that he’s no a friend of mine. I’ve never even met the man.

I am not here to defend Rand Paul. He has a lot more to prove to me before I stand behind him or anyone else for that matter. I have not put my support behind anyone for the 2016 election so I don’t really understand why suddenly Rand Paul becomes “my friend” simply because he’s running for president.

Yes, I worked on his father’s campaign in 2012. Yes, I find him interesting. Yes, he is the closest to being a Libertarian out of those who appear to be running for the next president from the two major parties but he is by no means a Libertarian, which happens to be the party I most closely identify with, so… how exactly is this man my friend?

Oh, wait. That’s right. Others like to place me in a category, for a reason which I have yet to fully understand but my goodness, do they try.

Is it because I am part of what I like to call the “political super-minority”?  I am neither a Republican or Democrat. I identify closest to Libertarian yes, but in truth, I adhere to no parties’ principles except for my own and I take full responsibility for such behavior. I get that I am not the norm and I don’t often have agreeing opinions with others, especially in terms of politics, but what’s so wrong with disagreeing? Why do others around me consistently try to place me within the confines of some person or party? Often times, if I state my opinion, suddenly I’m a lover of Obama or I want McCain in the oval office. Does it make them feel better? Does it help them in some way to categorize me?

My parents raised me to not care about what others think. I thank them for that. It’s made me okay with others disagreeing with me. It’s made me understand why I do what I do. It’s made me learn that it’s up to each one of us to figure out what is right and wrong and act accordingly, not confine ourselves to some label or group thinking. And now, it’s helping me understand why others try to place me in a group. Allow me to give an example…

I was raised a Catholic. I was taught by nuns in elementary school. I went to church. I took the Eucharist. I’m Sicilian and this religion is important to my ancestors, near and past. Very important.

So I was placed in this religion but as I grew up, I started questioning why I was doing what I was doing. When it came time for Confirmation, I really started to question things. What does this mean to me? Do I want to be here? Do I feel as they want me too? Is this something I’m drawn to on an honest level?

My mother and I were brought before the woman in charge of the Confirmation classes I was taking. I believe it was because of my “behavior”. It was at this meeting that my rebellion against organized religion was sparked and it became the start of others getting upset when I didn’t feel the same way they did. I became wrong for not believing in the God others around me did. I wasn’t acting as part of their group, so therefore I had a behavior problem.

But why?

What’s so wrong with thinking differently? Who is the arbiter of right and wrong? And if someone does think differently than you, do they have to be boxed into a category? Is it so they can be attacked?

I’ve been watching the Star Wars original series and can’t help but heed the message that we can live among all types of different people because deep down, it’s the force of goodness inside us that will prevail.

dust settles after the euphoria

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Two days ago, I got engaged to the man I’ve been with for over two years. I have absolutely no doubt that he’s the one.

I searched for years. And years. And years. And then on labor day 2012, I met him in Manhattan Beach around dusk after meeting online (yes, it can work!!) Parking had been a nightmare and I was about ten minutes late. He was patient about it and as I walked in a rush up to the pre-selected coffee shop, I saw him sitting on a ledge outside it, waiting for me.

He stood up.  I smiled. Instant attraction. At least on my part, I suppose he’ll have tell you how he felt. His smile was infectious. I wanted to be around it. And to this day, his smile is maybe the one thing on this earth that makes me feel truly at home.

We walked for miles that day, around the beaches and streets of what I later learned was his favorite place on earth, the beautiful ocean side town of Manhattan Beach. As the sun set, we decided to get a drink at a bar that overlooked the Pacific Ocean. Normally, we’d both want to face the view, but that day, neither one of us seemed to notice it as we sat side by side on a couch in the corner and talked for a long while.

He walked me to my car a bit later and told me he had fun and that he wanted to do it again. I immediately loved his honesty and vulnerability. I didn’t allow myself to be that vulnerable though. I said sure, yeah (even though I wanted to see him the next hour…) Have I mentioned he makes me want to be a better person?

He called me the next day. And ever since then, we haven’t been apart.

Now that the dust has settled and the initial state of euphoria has subsided, there’s a lot of decisions to be made about a wedding and everything that entails and costs… It’s rather overwhelming. What does a dream wedding even mean? It’s just a day. As many people have said before me, it’s the marriage that matters, not the wedding.

Today, as my mind reeled with thoughts on what to do and how to get married and what that all means to myself and future husband since I can’t tell you how many people have given me their opinions and suggestions on the matter, I opened my laptop when out slipped a piece of paper with the words “I love you” on it. From the man who’s going to be my husband.

It’s the love that matters.

Euphoria comes and goes. And after the dust settles, it’s about what is real. And it’s there I’ll find any answers I’m looking for…

Ways to know you’ve reached the comfort zone in your relationship

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Maybe it happens after the second month of dating. Maybe it takes you both a year. Whatever the length, there will come a time in your relationship when you both will either separate or reach a point of comfortableness. (And yes, the later is a good thing! I realize that now, after thirty-something years…)

11 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU’VE REACHED THE COMFORT ZONE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1. you no longer have underwear the other hasn’t seen.

2. things that were once cute are now NOT CUTE AT ALL.

3. you’ve seen each other pee.

4. they’ve seen you at your worst, and stayed around past morning…

5. you both weigh ten pounds more than when you first met.

6. they’ve seen it all – nose spray, hair remover and control-top pantyhose.

7. you’ll have at one point or another asked your mate if they were okay because of how long they’ve been in the bathroom…

8. you two speak your own language, that only the both of you fully understand;

9. you understand each other without speaking.

10. you’ll have at one time or another disappointed the other because, yes, you did in fact watch the next episode of the show you both love.

11. the mystery has been replaced by a sense of home, and it feels unlike anything you’ve ever experienced in the best way imaginable….