philosophy

I’ve never bought a vaccum cleaner.

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In a little over three hours, the day will be August 14, 2012 and I will turn thirty-five years old.

Yesterday, I was at a friend’s house and she, myself and her house guest from the UK were hanging out before everyone sat down for dinner. We were just chatting and my friend mentioned her “Dyson”. I had no idea what she was talking about and therefore, said “your what?” Both she and her friend from the UK, who had obviously heard a lot about this, exclaimed “The Vacuum Cleaner!” I capitalize it because they both sounded like Dyson was THE ONLY vacuum cleaner. I quickly said, “Oh yeah, the one you showed me before.” As my friend got up to show me it again, I was struck with a thought and said it out loud:

“I’m turning thirty-five in two days and I’ve never bought a vacuum cleaner. Is that odd?

Everyone paused for a moment and then, the guy from the UK said, “No, that’s a good thing.”

I smiled.

For the past ten or so years, I’ve made a list on my birthday of the things I want to accomplish in the next year. I seal it and then don’t look at it until my next birthday. It’s fun. Seriously. Try it. Kinda fascinating to see what a year-ago-you was thinking about, and then how much it’s strayed or stayed the same…

Anyway, I typically list about five to seven things and then when I open it the following year, I’ll see I’ve accomplished about three to four of them. Decent numbers I think, considering how easy it is to plan and how much more difficult it is to actually follow through and do.

But this year, I thought I’d do something a bit different. Instead of making the list and sealing it for no one’s eyes to see but my own a year later, I decided to write it here, on my blog, and then a year later, I’ll read it and write what I’ve done or not. This added pressure of having to reveal to others what I have or have not done will be an interesting motivator for me. (And If you could care less, I completely understand but do suggest you not read the blog post I write a year from today.)

Now, on to the list…

THINGS TO ACCOMPLISH DURING 35

– get a publisher for the children’s book myself and my friend are writing

– shoot my next short film (which is already written)

– finish this short and have it ready to be out to festivals starting Sept. 1

– continue to fight for individual freedom

– find the one

Difference of Opinion

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Lately, I’ve been thinking a bit about difference of opinions.

Being someone who has no problem with expressing my beliefs, I find I often anger others if they don’t agree with me or I don’t agree with them but I don’t understand why anyone would waste time and energy on being angry or indignant if I’m not forcing anything upon them. Beliefs run strong and that is a wonderful part of being human but I find that rather than use reason in dealing with difference of opinions, anger and/or resentment is often the choice of the majority.

But how are difference of opinions anything to get angry about? Now, if something is forced upon someone, then by all means, one must fight for their beliefs but if not, is it not beneficial to hear difference of opinions? I find they will either change one’s beliefs through the processing of new information or reinforce your beliefs and either way, one grows as a human, do they not?

And how exactly is this a bad thing??

Fortunately, I’ve been raised to think for myself and understand not everyone has to think like me. Also, I personally believe that it’s best to teach through example rather than through anger, bitterness or comment. So the best I can do is be who I am, live my beliefs and work for them and treat others in the manner that I would like to be treated, (granted they are not imposing any force upon me.) But, as mentioned above, not everyone thinks like me and so I am continually saddened to see all the name calling, the insults, the mightier-than-thou attitude, the disrespect, the intolerance and the blatant disregard for difference of opinions that is seemingly everywhere, from Facebook statuses to the President of the United State’s speeches.

Speaking of which, a very important election is coming up in a few months here in America and I’m noticing many people are treating others who disagree with them with a level of contempt that befits Hitler.

While we may not all get along, can we not treat one another with respect rather than contempt if one has a difference of opinion other than our own?

I’ve found teaching is best done by example, so perhaps if more people thought about the way they acted, difference of opinions wouldn’t be so hard to deal with…

That’s my opinion and it’s okay if you disagree :) But I’d love to hear why though…

Change is good. Efficiency is better.

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I generally like change. I lived in five different places in the five years I was in college. I’ve chosen jobs that regularly offer variety – filmmaking, script reading and waiting tables. I don’t settle when I date. I’ll typically always try something once and when I feel stagnate, I’ll take the necessary steps to stop it.

But then, on the flip-side, I’ve noticed that when I find something that works, I’ll be very hesitant to make change. And I wonder, is that a good thing or not? Well, stay with me for a second and I’ll answer that but first, a brief story…

I was waiting tables at a restaurant part-time for some lunch shifts for the past six years. It fit my schedule, I liked the people there and it was comfortable. I knew what to expect and it worked in my life. I never really re-evaluated though if this was truly the best place for me to be. But then, forces of nature beyond my control made me re-evaluate what I wanted. I was laid off with practically no notice and so change was thrust upon me.

Now I actually like working in restaurants. I love food and wine. I love the atmosphere. I love the whole idea of people meeting and talking over food and having good conversation. I’m Italian, it’s part of our culture. I love innovation and creativity in the food and work space and basically, I feel at home in restaurants. But in hindsight, while I loved my last job, it wasn’t the most efficient choice I could have made for myself. It worked though so it was easy to stay.

But then, when I found myself in the position of having no choice but to leave it, while I wasn’t thrilled initially, I started to realize it wasn’t such a bad thing.

Change is great and I liked the idea of making a change but I didn’t want to make a change just for the sake of change. I needed more than that.

And that’s when I realized, change is good. But efficiency is better.

When I decided I could have been using my time in a much more positive way for my life, this forced change became one of the best things that could have happened to me. I started writing more and looking for a new restaurant that would better fit my wants and needs. And now here I am, three months later with a children’s book written and new employment that is beyond exciting and challenging and thoroughly inspiring.

Though I like change, I was never prompted to make it because my life worked. Perhaps though, a good way to think about change is not just simply asking oneself if change is needed but rather asking if change will bring more efficiency to your life. And just to be clear, efficiency means (thanks to my beloved Apple dictionary) “achieving maximum productivity with minimum wasted effort or expense, working in a well-organized and competent way.”

So go ahead and ask yourself – would change make my life more efficient?

If the answer is yes, perhaps you may want to make a change. For me, I’ve now found…

Change is good, but Efficiency is better.

Truth

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I went on a date tonight with a boy whom I find attractive, smart and intriguing. Pretty much all the qualities I’m looking for, not to mention he’s taller than me, hah, something I love.

However…

I suddenly found myself reverting back to the shy, insecure girl of nineteen who I often remember fondly but never miss too much. There she was tonight though, rearing her ugly head as the self-conscious me. Man, I don’t miss being a teenager, but why, I wonder, did this retro-self of mine make a cameo appearance?

And then it hit me.

Maybe it’s because this is someone I could actually be with.

A friend of mine made an observation of me a little while back and I brushed him off, not wanting to hear it, but truth be told, his comment hasn’t left my mind since he’s said it. Basically, he told me I date men who pose no real possibility of being someone I would have a real relationship with, so I in turn feel comfortable with them. I thought he was crazy at the time, but now, well… I think he’s actually quite astute.

Sometimes, no matter how smart one is, others see us in a light in which we are unable to see ourselves. They act as a mirror of sorts, being reflective and can be both welcoming or not, but if they illuminate truth, it’s only a matter of time till one sees it for oneself…

I may not have all the answers when it comes to my dating life, but every step I make toward finding the real love I’m searching for even if I sabotage myself often, I can’t help but think I’m moving in the right direction.

Truth has that way. It can be hurtful, that’s for sure, especially when brought to one’s attention despite one’s best effort to deny it, but once appreciated and understood, it offers the best foundation to leap from…

I’m leaping. We’ll see where I land…

To be continued.

Self Image

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I recently encountered someone who would say one thing about himself but then his actions would completely contradict exactly what he said. I kept noticing it and started to think about it. Was he delusional? In denial? Or just full of shit and perhaps did or did not know it?

But then, as I was driving, I was struck with a memory about myself.

When I was in my mid-late twenties several years back,  I was dating regularly. Some relationships lasted a few months, others not even close, but the point is, I was dating. I remember, however, telling guys that I didn’t date much and I wasn’t really looking for a relationship. I didn’t tell them this to pull a fast one on them. I wholeheartedly believed it… or so I thought until I realized something one day.

I had this image of myself in my head that wasn’t true in reality, based on what I actually did. I thought of myself one way, perhaps the way I wanted to be, but I wasn’t actually that way.

And I remember that when I realized this, it was like the clouds parted and I was enlightened.

So, I cut this guy some slack because I really do think he thinks one way about himself without being conscious about how in reality, that isn’t the case at all. I’d love to share with him my story of enlightenment but I don’t think it will do any good. One has to realize this for oneself…

Self image.

Do you see yourself as you really are?

Pain

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Life hurts. People hurt us. We hurt ourselves.

For a long time, I kept to myself out of fear of being hurt. Sure, I had friends and even boyfriends, but I made sure to never let them get too close to me. Even to this day, I still (to some degree) live the life of a loner but I’ve definitely been much more conscious about being more open to others than I ever have in the past.

Today, however, it really bit me in the ass.

I had opened up to another person even though we had something going against us – a vast age difference. He was much younger than me. At first, it bothered me but after getting to know him, I gradually didn’t care about the age and only cared about the person. I thought he had felt the same way until I learned today that was not the case. And it hurt. I had exposed myself and thought I understood someone only to realize I didn’t. At all.

As I walked out of his life, I thought about the pain that comes from liking someone who decides not to like you back. How it’s enough to make you put that drawstring right back on your heart so that you don’t have to feel such pain because man, it stings like a bitch. But then, I stopped myself…

Yes, this whole trying to be open to people is hard enough on its own and then throw in someone else, who ends up hurting you, and man, you want to down a bottle of vodka, but I can’t help but be happy with myself for not pulling up that drawstring around my heart like I had so many times in the past.  All these things are so incredibly new to me that yes, I am dealing with pain that can bring tears to my eyes in seconds, but at least I’m dealing, putting myself out there, being vulnerable, not settling and searching for the gold.

Pain.

It hurts.

But would we know happiness without it?

Timing

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I’m sure it’s safe to say that most of us, if not all, have heard the expression “timing is everything”.

Today, I’m pretty sure that not only is there truth in that but it was likely first said by someone who realized that life is like a puzzle, and there are moments that come together and fit perfectly to create a whole. I think we finish a ton of puzzles throughout our lifetime, some many more than others, but I also think timing has a lot to do with them.

I recently lost a job all the while dealing with the fact that my latest film has been rejected from the majority of film festivals I’ve submitted it too. (For those who don’t know, filmmaking is my life.) And while it would be very easy to get depressed about these two things, I’ve been trying incredibly hard to stay positive.

But I’ve had some help.

Is it a coincidence that I just happen to find a guy who I genuinely want to know and be with right before I lose a job that I enjoyed very much? Now while the fact I lost the job makes me sad, it’s hard to stay that way after meeting someone who makes me so happy.

But okay, I chalk it up to a coincidence and leave it at that.

Tonight, however, makes me think it might not just be happenstance…

As mentioned, I’ve been thinking a lot about my films, which isn’t that surprising since I probably think about them 90% of my day, but in particular, I’ve been thinking about my latest film which has yet to play a festival. It deals with the topic of individual responsibility for oneself. Those who are avid fans of my films, cheer me on and tell me to keep doing what I’m doing (though give me constructive criticism as well,) but it’s been hard because I know I make films that are not going to appeal to the masses. While there is definite room in the cinematic marketplace for escapism films, they seem to be all the rage and I by no means make them.

Today, I was cleaning out my office and came upon a DVD of a film called “Think of Me”. I looked it up on IMDB and saw that Lauren Ambrose was in it. I’m a huge fan of hers from her work in “Six Feet Under” so that was enough to get me to play it. I popped it in and settled back with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of wine and some diet coke on ice. I was hooked within ten minutes. And captivated until the end. I had tears in my eyes and I don’t cry at movies unless they somehow connect with me, deeply, on a human level. This film did and chances are, next to no one has heard of it.

Timing.

This is the EXACT film I needed to see right now. It was beautiful, courageous, honest, real and thoughtful. And the fact that it was made gives me such hope that I have a renewed energy about making the films I make. Sure, these films may not reach the audiences or profit level that a film like “The Avengers” might but I realize I don’t care. Artists stay true to themselves and I believe there IS an audience for honest work based in reality.

Timing may not be everything but damn, it sure it is something.

To try

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Have you ever heard of this idea or question or whatever you call it, that goes something like this:

Try to pick up that pencil. Either you do or you don’t. There is no try.

Well, it’s always stayed with me. I think I heard it in a film but I can’t be entirely sure of that. Regardless, I have been one who has thought trying wasn’t good enough. Either you do or you don’t. But what if trying is the doing? What then?

I’m a filmmaker (for those who don’t know) and I’m greatly trying to get my films out there. It’s been a hard road and sometimes, I get a bit down when I don’t reach the heights I set for each of my films or my career as a whole for that matter. There have been wonderful moments, like playing at a festival and then having someone from the audience come up to me to talk about my film, but there’s also been really sad moments, such as recently, when my latest film gets one rejection after the next. So sometimes, I struggle with keeping my positivity in check.

But I try.

I try to keep the faith. I try to stay on track. I try to keep moving forward. I try to get my life to a place I want it to be. I try to find someone to share it with. I try to see reality. I try to be honest. I try to love. I try to treat others with respect. I try to be creative in all that I do. I try to understand everything I can. I try to be conscious. I try to make my one opportunity at life be everything I want it to be.

I try. But sometimes, I don’t succeed.

And with this trying, comes some depression, hardship, anxiety, reality battling my dreams, dealing with the truth, deciding what I will accept or not accept from others, figuring out if there’s someone out there I could love and could love me back…

But still, I try. And I will try for as long as I can breathe.

In a beautifully written moment in my favorite new show BOARDWALK EMPIRE, the main character says to the woman he’s with after she starts to realize he has a dark side, “We all have to decide for ourselves how much sin we can deal with.” Wow. Poignant. But maybe it’s applicable here also. Perhaps we all just have to figure out what we’re willing to try and not.

Sure, you may be able to pick up a pencil. That’s easy. But some things, like going after your dream job or finding your true love, aren’t so easy. So you have to try. And you might not succeed but maybe, just maybe, the trying is enough.

I don’t know, but at least I’m trying to figure it out…

I had a dream.

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I had a dream a few nights back that has not left me. Its simplicity in message was like a slap to my face. And I needed it. It was as though my subconscious looked my conscious in the eyes and charged full steam ahead.

Well… my subconscious won. But before I tell the dream, here’s some back-story…

I’ve been a bit down lately because my latest film “Your Move” has yet to play a festival. My confidence has taken a hit. And while I try to remind myself that when I made the all-or-nothing choice of being a filmmaker I accepted rejection, I still struggle with it. And lately, the struggle has been at an all-time high because though I love all my films, I applied everything I learned from them to this one and I feel it deserves to be shown in front of an audience. Alas, it has not though, except for my cast and crew screening which was one of the best nights of my life. But I digress…and there’s more.

While I’m feeling this way about my filmmaking, I also happen to meet a boy whom I really like. He makes me really happy, just being around him and though I feel like I know him, it’s also super exciting learning about him. But, as my readers know, relationships do not come easy for me so I’m struggling. BUT, I have jumped in, sink or swim. Perhaps this dream was trying to help me to not feel so scared about it.

Okay. I had a dream.

And in this dream I was hanging out with some friends but no one in particular whom I can remember. And we were in a place that was very high up and some people where jumping over a cliff and landing in these holes before they reached the ground. Some in my dream thought it was crazy but others were excited and enthusiastically jumping right over the edge. I was on the fence about it, should I? Shouldn’t I? I was worried. But then, I turned to my friend (?) and simply said “I’m going to do it.” We had to weave through people to get to the cliff but once there, I talked myself into it. Pretty much by saying over and over again, “Just do it.” (or something to that effect.) So, I took a deep breath, (I know, cliché, but I really remember doing this in the dream,) and I leaped over the cliff…

I went down in slow motion and made it into the hole. I landed on the ground with both feet (and I swear to God, this image is so crystal clear in my mind that I really wish I could draw.) Not a scratch was on me. I felt great. Then…

I woke up. And I’m pretty sure I had a smile on my face.

I think my subconscious took care of my conscious here and it’s really nice to know it’s looking out for its twin.

Sweet dreams!

It is what it is.

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There are some things in life one has control over. And then there are some things one doesn’t and you just have to say, it is what it is.

For example, I have a pretty bad case of OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. Not the typical one that most have, like those who need to check if their oven is off before they leave the house or have their alarm clock set to an odd number (and I do both by the way) but rather the one that makes someone go a little extreme and need medicine to alter the chemical imbalance. I fought it for many years and tried desperately to fix it on my own but then, when it reached its worse, I realized it’s part of my brain makeup and once I finally accepted that, I sought help and have done a pretty good job of correcting it, as much as I can but…

It is what it is.

There are things about all of us that we wish were otherwise. Some people are short and wish they were taller. Some people are born with defects and wish they weren’t. Some people get cancer and have to deal with the truth of it. Some people mess up and suffer severe consequences because of it and then think, if only… But when something is permanent, it is what it is, and one must deal.

While we live in reality, sometimes it’s easier to pretend things aren’t what they are or try to deny something that one doesn’t want. My favorite line in any film is “Never underestimate the power of denial” – American Beauty. But I choose to try really hard to live in the here and now and in reality. Many times, it’s not the easiest or funnest, but I know inside it’s the right thing for me to do.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking lately about the fact that there are things about me that just are. Things I cannot change.  And when others have problems with one of these things, well… my attention gets drawn to it and I have to accept all over again that some things are beyond my control. And I like to be in control.

But then… I think…

Yes. It is what it is. Nothing is perfect. And what’s so wrong with that?