Facing your fears.

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There is an air dehumidifier near my bedroom and not long ago, my one-year old nephew began to be scared of it when he hadn’t before. It turns itself on and off, depending on the humidity in the room, and beeps when the water it collects needs to be emptied so perhaps the sounds or machine starts/stops were what was scaring him. I’m not quite sure because he went from being fine with it and touching it to suddenly taking the long way to stay away from it or clinging tightly to me, especially if it made any noise at all, whenever he was near it.

So, one day, when we were playing by it, I tried to show him he had nothing to fear. I touched it and tried to get him to touch it with me or at least get closer to it. And slowly, he did start getting closer. Then, the next time we were near it, I did this again and he got closer and I noticed he would point at it. And though he stayed right by my side, he was intrigued by it. He started looking it over and briefly touched it. Then, the next several times he got braver and began touching it more and more, checking out all the parts of it and soon, he realized there was nothing to be scared of.

Today, he was hugging it.

As I watched this brave little one-year old conquer his fear, I felt proud of him but also slightly embarrassed at how long it has taken me to conquer some fears and that there are still some I haven’t touched. He got me thinking about how something is scary because it’s unknown or evoked panic but with courage and curiosity, that which once looked scary becomes something you can hug.

If only we were all as brave as this one-year old.

Electricity

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Yes, I am one of those people who loves LA. And yes, it is full of phoniness, celebrities and the paparazzi that follow them and facades every which way you turn. BUT, and this is a big but, it’s also a city filled with dreams, hope and endless opportunity. Not only is it a culture swirl, but it’s the land where fantasy meets reality, not to mention the weather is insanely fantastic.

This past weekend, I went to see a show at the Hollywood Bowl that I’ve been dying to see since I found out about it. Two of my favorite bands – Hot Chip and LCD Soundsystem – were not only playing together but were playing together at a beautiful outdoor venue. In LA.

Meeting up with some friends, who I had sooo much fun with, we took the party bus from Westwood to the Bowl, barely catching the last one but managing to make it, though some pedestrians may be cursing me… On it, I sat alone since we were a group of five with seats being in twos, and then a cute and interesting boy sat next to me, making the ride feel like a second long even though the bus was caught in traffic on the 101. Sure, this could happen anywhere, not just in LA, but the backdrop of the Hollywood Hills and the diversity of the bus passengers made it all the more enjoyable.

Then, came the show. Unable to sit with the four friends I went with, because I bought my ticket separate of them, I headed to my box in the Terrace section, glass of wine in hand as the opening band, Sleigh Bells, rocked out. And there, I met the five people who were my box mates for the evening. Unbelievably cool. By the end of the concert, we had become friends. If you don’t know, the bowl is an outside concert venue in the Hollywood hills, beautiful at sunset and lustrous at dark. Hot Chip performed to an excited and dancing crowd and though they sound a bit better on CD then they do live, it was still complete fun dancing around the box to songs I’ve listened to a thousand times as a talented band performed on stage.

And then came a break. SO MANY PEOPLE. Got a quick glass of wine and just happened to make it back to my seat right as LCD Soundsystem took the stage. One of the guys in my box thought I wasn’t coming back to them and I was thrilled to see they seemed cool with me being there. At one point during the show, one of the guys turned to me and in so many words said he thought it was cool I was able to come to this box alone and then be dancing and having fun with them. It didn’t seem like such a big deal to me but then, I guess some people haven’t tapped into the beauty that is adventuring out alone…

LCD was amazing. Sounds even better live and the energy of the crowd was electrifying. It seemed like this group of strangers and friends all came together to enjoy the pulsating beats and intelligent lyrics of James Murphy and his team. I believe it was the guitarist of Hot Chip who also played with LCD that night, which I thought was so perfect, in how it fused two of my favorite bands together. This is a show I will not forget. Here I was, apart from my friends yet having a great time, in a venue tucked into the Hollywood Hills, surrounded by a diverse and rousing crowd. It was intoxicating. Better than any drug.

Still on the music high, my friends and I somehow ended up in a limo with their friends of friends and we headed out to a bar. As we exited the limo, I looked down and saw I was standing on John Lennon’s star. It couldn’t have been any more appropriate. John Lennon is one of my favorite people, of all time. The bar was red and dark and fun to have drinks with the people I came with. Got to know some new cool people also, which is always enjoyable. Except for a guy who decided to spill his drink on me when I wouldn’t talk to him, but hell, that immaturity isn’t going to ruin my fun. My amazing friend didn’t want him to get away with it but her sweet husband quickly grabbed her as we were leaving, to stop her from getting into anything with this obvious juvenile.

And back to our cars we went. Awesome night. Awesome friends. Awesome music. And an awesome cute boy on the bus.

Only in LA. The rainy mist in the air at the bowl in the hills off the legendary Hollywood Blvd, the John Lennon star under my feet, the random mix of artists and strangers in the crowd and perhaps most importantly…

The energy that is Los Angeles permeating the air.

Yin and Yang

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Recently, I heard some good news about someone I know. And then, today, I heard some sad news about someone I know.

And this lead me to think about the good and the bad in life…

It seems there’s a mix of both involved in everyone’s life. Sure, some may say they have more bad than good, more darkness than light, while others may surmise they’ve had luck guiding them along the way, but the bottom line is there is good and bad in this world and while our choices and actions largely guide that in our own lives, there are some things that are just beyond our control, like natural disasters. (But then it becomes a matter of what one chooses to do about it…)

It’s easy to relish in the good and perhaps even easier to let the bad weigh us down but it’s not easy to find a balance, an inner harmony between the two. I used to have this old doormat outside my studio apartment that was the Chinese symbol for equilibrium and I loved how it reminded me of the importance of finding a balance in my life.

And so, in honor of balancing good and bad in one’s life, I’ve decided to write a playful blog about how it’s easy to find both the good and the bad in almost any situation. Perhaps this can help remind those who need to be reminded that while a bad may feel the worst or a good may feel the best, it’s important to maintain a balance so one never loses perspective but also appreciates that with each new day, comes a new opportunity for a good and even for a bad but with proper balance, perhaps the ground beneath one’s feet will be more sturdy…

It’s good my parent’s fig tree grows the most fantastic figs but it’s bad that the squirrels often get to them first.

It’s good that the sprinklers in the front yard keep the grass looking nice but it’s bad they leave water spots all over the left side of my car.

It’s good my nephew loves the water and takes an active interest in the pond and waterfalls around but it’s bad he doesn’t understand why he can’t just jump in.

It’s good that cars help us get around but it’s bad they often kill us.

It’s good that we have congresspeople to represent us but it’s bad they often care more about representing themselves.

It’s good that there are cures to many diseases but it’s bad that there aren’t cures for all of them.

It’s good my grandfather was able to live his honest and full life until he was eighty-seven years old but it’s bad he passed away and left his family without him.

It’s good I was able to make my short film as I had intended but it’s bad it had such a limited chance to be shown to the public.

It’s good The Office is a funny show to many, many people but it’s bad they don’t know when to call it quits.

It’s good to eat the sweets one loves, like raspberry chocolate pieces for example, but it’s bad they aren’t very healthy.

It’s good to have friends you care about but it’s bad when one of them reveals to be not who you thought they were.

It’s good to be honest in all situations but it’s bad when it’s done without some tact.

**and added from friend, Jim Stein, whose own blog can be found at: http://jamesari.blogspot.com –

It’s good to find the person you want to spend the rest of your life with but it’s bad when they don’t feel the same way.

——->>>>>>

No matter how bad it can seem, there is always some good, and vice versus.

But once you find a balance, which one are you going to focus on?

Altruism

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Recently, I’ve been pondering the notion of altruism in a fair society.

Altruism, by definition of my handy Apple dictionary, means “the belief in or practice of disinterested and selfless concern for the well-being of others.”

Hmmmm…. seemingly on face value, one may think this is a good thing. Care about other humans! How could that be a bad thing? But I wonder, why is it good to not care about yourself but it is good to care about others? And how does one determine who the “others” are and what their needs for well-being are? And if it means that caring for “others” hurts someone else, is the right answer to be determined by whose NEEDS are greater? Then, who determines that? I suppose it’s the person making the choice to be altruistic, determining the needs of others and therefore using his/her own value system to do so…

But I wonder, if this is something he/she chose to do, how is it selfless? Perhaps that is a comfort blanket one uses to make oneself feel good about the choices they make.

In a fair society based in individual freedom, NEEDS play no part outside of oneself. Life is a matter of justice, which is being fair and moral, and that is the value system one uses to guide their actions if they choose to live a just life. If they choose to be altruistic, life is not about justice. It can’t be. It becomes a game of who’s needs are greater, and then choices are made accordingly. In other words, those who need more are rewarded while those who took care of their own needs are punished. How is that just?

I was talking to my father, a very smart man, about altruism. He posed a question to me that has not left my mind. He asked, suppose one who bases their decisions in altruism is in the hospital and is told the talented surgeon who was going to perform a specialized surgery on him/her has been fired and replaced by a less qualified surgeon because he/she was in much more need of a job. Do you think that person will feel as strongly about the altruistic solution of the less qualified surgeon as he/she had in the past about altruistic solutions?

It’s a smart question. And an important one.

How can one care about others if they don’t care about themselves? Isn’t it contradictory to say all humans deserve X but then not feel that way about themselves? And when it really comes down to it, I wonder what an altruistic person’s answer would be in this situation…

I suppose everyone has to figure this out for themselves. In our society, the term “selfish” has been given such a bad meaning that most shy away from it completely. But what about those of us who may care about ourselves and our own lives but also care about others because we truly want to? Instead of doing things blindly from an altruistic place, we do things accordingly to honesty and fairness? What about that? Is that selfish?

For those who try to live their lives just, take care of their own needs, be honest and help others in the process because they want to – yes, you may be considered selfish, but at least you don’t have to worry about putting your head on a pillow at night, because you will sleep the sleep of the just. And that is some mighty fine sleep.

Isolation

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As I realize my previous short films aren’t getting as much attention as I would have liked them to get on the festival circuit, I’m once again faced with the question – “what’s next?”

Ah…. a question that never really goes away but rather needs to be decided upon continuously if you are at all a conscious person who plans to decide their own fate as much as possible.

Fortunately, I’ve already decided that I will make films until I take my last breath, so at least I’ve passed the stage of that question where I pondered whether I’m doing what I really want to do since this is quite the challenging life choice. But now, my focus is turned to the question of how to make films that reach an audience… and while there are many great answers to this question out there, every filmmaker has to decide this for themselves. Do you try to appeal to the masses? Do you stay true to your message and personal style? How can art be anything other than what its creator wants it to be? But then, is the artist willing to simply have enough money to enable them to live and little more? And the jobs one must have on the side to have any money? And why is it that the work of many artists aren’t recognized for what they are until many years after they’re put out in the world? How much does timing have to do with an audience’s willingness to embrace a particular work of art? And the questions go on and on…

But there’s that one that will inevitably enter an artist’s mind after they finish something – what’s next?

I try to learn from my past and apply it to my future but I have this tremendous stubborn and prideful streak that refuses to stand aside and create something that doesn’t feel natural or right to me. But then, I want my films seen. I get advice from many who have taken an interest in me or my career and while I am grateful for any interest, I do believe that this is something that has to come from within me. I have to answer this question myself, though I definitely do use the advice toward that goal.

Hence, isolation.

I think it would be best if I just lock myself up and think and write until I have the answer but it seems the older I get, the tougher it is for me to choose this path. For one thing, I cannot go longer than a few days without seeing my nephew. For another thing, I value my friendships (family or not) more than I think I ever have before and very much want to spend time with them. Not to mention I no longer live alone. But at the same time, I love isolation when I’m trying to figure something out.

It’s a similar problem to the one in which I want to make the films I want to make but I also want them seen.

So I wonder, can someone do two things that may seemingly not go together?

I’m not sure, but perhaps instead of isolating myself, I should isolate that answer.

Hm… I think I just found out what’s next for me.

Expectations

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According to my ever reliable Apple dictionary, expectation is defined as “a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.”

There’s the famous quote of Woody Allen that goes, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” Well said, Woody, well said.

We can plan and plan and do our absolute best to control what is in our control, but you never know what’s going to happen the next minute no matter how hard you plan. And yes, while I think it’s best to continue planning in hopes that forces beyond your control will be in sync with you, it’s probably good for the mind and body to understand that is not a given.

But what about when OTHERS have expectations for YOU? Now, that’s a whole other ballgame. And I’ve come to the conclusion that while it’s natural to expect things from other people, it is not natural to impose those expectations on them. If they fail to meet your expectations, that’s your problem, not theirs. And vice versus. If you fail to meet their expectations, that’s their problem, and not yours. Sure, consequences will likely come. For example, if you expect your significant other to remain faithful and they do not, you may likely give them the boot but then if you expect someone to call at 10 and they call at 10:15, you probably won’t care. But the point is, expectations are personal and if they are IMPOSED (in other words, forced) on others, they become a means of controlling and that is likely going to hurt any relationship.

As someone who values her independence, I also value that of others, but unfortunately, there are people in this world who believe they are owed something by you, entitled to something from you or believe you are supposed to do things for them because of x, y and z. Not so, says I. Shouldn’t favors be done by one’s own choice, not by expectations or imposition? And when someone chooses to impose upon another, isn’t that really displaying how much they value you and what their priorities are?

You may not like that I won’t do things out of obligation, but at least you’ll know that when I do something for you, it’s because I genuinely want to. I may not be jumping for joy to do the dishes after my mother has made her Italian Sunday feast, but while she never expects me to do them, I still do every time because my love for her outweighs my desire not to do them. The few times I’ve opted to do something for someone because they expected it but not because I wanted to has always bitten me in the ass and made me unhappy.  I’ve been learning the hard way but at least now, I understand that I can only expect myself to make choices for me and can’t worry about what others expect of me.

But don’t worry, if you don’t like it, I don’t expect anything from you.

The grass is fine here

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Dating…

I started thinking about dating when the other day, I was in the car with some friends and someone asked me if I was dating anyone. I said no but my close friend pointed out I said this “no” quite happily… and when she pointed that out, I started thinking, huh… am I truly happy that I am single?

To give some history, I was in a three-year relationship when I was in high school and then, when I went to college, I was in a four-year relationship. So, long term relationships are something I know quite a lot about. In fact, had I not broken up with my college boyfriend, which was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, I might be in a relationship right now that I wish I wasn’t. But the point is, I’ve had experience in long term relationships, so I think I’m qualified to understand what they are about. And as I think about them, I realize, I haven’t really had a real relationship since my college boyfriend, and that was… well… about twelve years ago.

Tonight, I went on a date with a guy who is seriously awesome. He’s attractive, sweet, attentive, intelligent and very creative and yet, I found myself telling him that I think I’m someone who just isn’t meant to be with… well, anyone.

Not wanting children, I’ve never felt a clock ticking or any need to find someone within a certain time frame but as I get older, I find that others ask me why I don’t settle down or date more or etc… and being a filmmaker, my job as always taken precedent but to be honest, I have started thinking about why I don’t make dating more of a priority… especially, when I come across a man who would be worthy of dating…

Hm…. interesting questions. But I don’t quite have the answers and I sit here, wondering, why am I different from those who know they want to be with someone? Sometimes, the thought of having to answer to someone or tell someone what my plans are makes me cringe and then other times, I think it’s nice to have someone to come home to, to hug and talk to but then, my friends and family often offer that… so, I wonder, are there some of us out there who aren’t meant to be in relationships? Are some of us meant to be loners, to fly solo, to do our own thing and answer to no one but ourselves? And if so, do we sacrifice the comfort and closeness of a relationship with another human or do we just not need that? Again, interesting questions but I suppose, the answers are different for everyone… As someone who has always felt quite different from the norm, I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised to realize that I tend to choose to be alone rather than date, but I wonder, is this just because I haven’t found the person that rocks my world?

Maybe the grass isn’t always greener on the other side but rather, the grass is just fine the way it is. I guess we just have to determine which grass we want…

But that’s the hard part…

Anomalies

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By definition, according to my apple dictionary, an anomaly is “something that deviates from what is standard, normal, or expected.” It is not, by definition, something negative or unfavorable.

I look at anomalies to mean different from the norm. And in today’s politically-correct-track-home society, is this really such a bad thing? Can’t one argue that those people, places and things who are anomalies are just different and since they can’t be placed into a category neatly, perhaps they create their own category? And if so, is that something to be afraid of or in fact, worthy of embracing?

As one who has been called an anomaly before and has been shunned by people when I don’t fit into their idea of what is acceptable or not, I’ve started thinking about what it means to be different and why this would bother someone. What is it about being unusual that is threatening? Is it the unknowing involved? The difficulty in which to figure one out? The disregard for social mores? While I firmly believe that if one uses physical force upon another, they should be dealt with by an authority of law and justice, I do not believe that being different or something other than is expected is anything troubling.

But recently, I’ve started noticing that others can get angry with me when I don’t fit into their idea of what they consider “normal.”

For example, I’ll be the first to admit that I know VERY little about pop culture. I don’t watch much television or follow the paparazzi and have never liked things simply because they’re popular. I can’t tell you the names of the characters in the Twilight films or what time “So You Think You Can Dance” is on but if you want to know the feature film debut of Kenneth Lonergan or the names of the last three albums from the band The Clientele, I can tell you in a heartbeat. The point is, we all like what we like, right? And yet, I’ve found others don’t appreciate that I don’t know certain things they think I should.

So, I wondered… why do some get bothered when you aren’t similar to them? Is it because they need the confirmation that they fit in? Is it to be redeemed for their own behavior? Is it to feel “normal”?

I really don’t know. But what I do know is that I choose to embrace the differences among us because with originality comes creation.

And anyway, what’s so wrong with being odd? Isn’t life more interesting to meet those who are different from ourselves? Or at the very least, should you find yourself not caring for those who are different from you, why not just let them be if they cause you no harm? And if you can’t do that, perhaps your problem isn’t with them but with yourself…

Birthdays

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In a few minutes, I’ll be turning thirty-three years old.

I like birthdays but not for the obvious reasons. While I enjoy the dinner with my family that I have every birthday, I’m not one to celebrate or think it’s something special for anyone else but me. Birthdays are a bit of a loner holiday for me because I like to ponder what my life has been and is and also, what I want it to be.

To me, birthdays represent the number of years I’ve had the opportunity to live.

And I feel damn lucky that so far, I’ve been given thirty-three of them.

And yes, I’ve had bad times and have suffered but those things aren’t what I focus on. They’re the price I have to pay to experience another day of living. One of the best shows I’ve ever seen on television, SIX FEET UNDER, managed to capture this spirit so eloquently in a scene between the character of David and his dead father, whom he still talks to in his mind and dreams, that I have to include it here to fully describe this: (context: David has recently experienced a very traumatic and horrific occurrence…)

DAVID: [It was] the worst fucking experience of my life.

FATHER: You hang on to your pain, like it means something, like it’s worth something. Well, let me tell you. It’s not worth shit. Let it go. (to the air) Infinite possibilities and all they can do is whine.

DAVID: Well, what am I supposed to do?

FATHER: What do you think? You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you’re alive. What’s a little pain compared to that?

DAVID: It can’t be that simple.

FATHER: What if it is?

And so, in celebrations of birthdays everywhere, I thought I’d write a blog of thirty-three things that I’ve experienced that have made life cool and special and amazing (in no particular order;) things that make me get up in the morning and think to myself, “Thank you, I’ve been given another day.” Perhaps you may want to try it on your birthday…

1. Fruit

2. My family

3. Music (in particular The Beatles, The Clientele, LCD Soundsystem and Kings Of Convenience)

4. the sound of the Pacific Ocean

5. my mother’s cooking

6. my films and writings

7. FILMS (in particular You Can Count On Me, Mother, Home for the Holidays, Godfather I & II, Goodfellas and When Harry Met Sally)

8. journals

9. fiction (in particular the writing of Jonathan Franzen, David Sedaris, JD Salinger, Leo Tolstoy, Franz Kafka and Fyodor Dostoevsky)

10. potatoes

11. HBO television (in particular The Sopranos, Six Feet Under, Extras, Tell Me You Love Me and Sex In the City)

12. friends, especially those who accept me for who I am and love me for it

13. My Sicilian heritage on both my mother and father’s side

14. my nephew’s smile

15. mail

16. the ability to learn something new

17. sparkling water with lemon

18. America and its founding principles

19. my two closest friends Jamie and Nicole, two girls who have known me before I even really knew myself and have dealt with me and my worst and yet, still showed me love even though I didn’t deserve it.

20. the feel of a Bic pen in my hand when I just got an idea of something I want to write about

21. post-its

22. Merlot

23. Beautiful perfume by Estee Lauder

24. having known what a great boyfriend is (my college boyfriend) even though he wasn’t the one I was meant to be with

25. philosophy (in particular Ayn Rand, Aristotle, Camus, Nietzsche, Thomas Paine & Voltaire)

26. sunshine

27. jeans and flip-flops

28. my fourteen year-old plant

29. my parents, who are not only my best friends but two people I can trust and believe in.

30. ice cubes

31. driving with the music on loud and the windows opened half way, with no traffic on an open LA freeway

32. people watching

33. having another day, or at the very least, this moment…

Happy Birthday to everyone!

Your Past.

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That’s a loaded couple of words.

For this blog, “your past” will be implying all that one has done before the moment they now find themselves. A person’s particular past history, which if it’s anything like mine, is packed with things like mistakes, insincerity, immaturity, growth, happiness, sadness but most of all, CHANGE.

In a few weeks, I’ll be thirty-three years old, and while that may be young to some and old to others, I don’t look at it like that but rather as a reference to how long I’ve been on this earth. In other words, how long I’ve had the opportunity to get my life the way I want it without hurting others or myself. Hasn’t been easy and there’s a lot more work to do but it’s slowly starting to come together for me. And this got me thinking…

Once we reach a happier and clearer place, using the wisdom and experience of our past to teach us and enable us to learn about ourselves to a much higher degree, therefore making our choices and actions be more effective for a happier life, what do we do about our past history that we wish wasn’t the case? It doesn’t just go away. It’s right there in our memory and can plop up anytime. Like when you run into someone you once knew and a memory flashes before your eyes, instantly making you recall how truly moronic you once were, or maybe you hear a song that triggers a recollection that makes you cringe to think about. What then? Do we just grin and bear it? Pretend that wasn’t us? Block it from our memory? What?

Well, clearly, if one changes their behavior, then through consistency and reality, it will be evident. But the painful part of the truth of the past is still there.

So, I’ve come up with this. Deal with it. Own it. Learn from it. And then move on. If others can’t, that’s their problem. Those who truly care about you will likely care about you even more because of your courage and strength to actually change.

Writer Pearl S. Buck once said, “One faces the future with one’s past.”

So, I’ve decided, rather than cringe, I’ll just be glad I’ve learned better…