trying

Certainty

/ christinaparisi / Leave a comment

I did something for the first time recently. Something I’ve never wanted to do. Something I’ve always preferred doing myself rather than paying someone to do. Something that most people I know, both guys AND girls, have already done for the first time quite a while ago. Something I REALLY didn’t want to do but… circumstances put it in my lap. And so, I did it.

I got a professional manicure.

Before you roll your eyes, please understand that I don’t like being touched by strangers. And I really don’t like having my hands touched by anyone (except my boyfriend and family.) I’m quite particular about certain things, some would say including myself, and this is on the top of my list. Not far from the number one slot actually. But when this manicure-thing just kinda presented itself, I thought, “Hell, I should try it at least once.” If nothing more, I’d be doing something I feared and isn’t it always good to push oneself with that stuff?

So here’s the long story short: To celebrate Valentine’s day with my boyfriend, I decided to buy this Groupon thing for a massage/spa package for two. It was exactly what I was looking for at the price I wanted to spend. But there was also something included in this package that I could care less about.

Manicures.

They would already be paid for and were to be done after the massage/sauna/champagne spa-time. My boyfriend was happy at the thought of getting his nails cleaned so I figured now would be the time to give it a shot.

The moment the manicure started, I felt myself tightening up. My manicurist, who was male by-the-way, immediately went to work by holding my hands and buffing away. My boyfriend looked at me and smiled but I couldn’t really muster a good one up at that point. I already wanted it to be over.

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But I stuck through it and tried desperately not to cringe every second.

At the end, I asked the manicurist, “What’s that?” and pointed to a little dark spot on the nail polish near my cuticle. “Just a little blood. Sorry,” he said nonchalantly. Oh, thanks. Just a little blood stuck in the nail polish on my fingers.

Then I smudged two of my fingers before even making it back to my car.

But I tried it. At least once.

Though never again.

And now I can say that with 100% certainty.

To try

/ christinaparisi / Leave a comment

Have you ever heard of this idea or question or whatever you call it, that goes something like this:

Try to pick up that pencil. Either you do or you don’t. There is no try.

Well, it’s always stayed with me. I think I heard it in a film but I can’t be entirely sure of that. Regardless, I have been one who has thought trying wasn’t good enough. Either you do or you don’t. But what if trying is the doing? What then?

I’m a filmmaker (for those who don’t know) and I’m greatly trying to get my films out there. It’s been a hard road and sometimes, I get a bit down when I don’t reach the heights I set for each of my films or my career as a whole for that matter. There have been wonderful moments, like playing at a festival and then having someone from the audience come up to me to talk about my film, but there’s also been really sad moments, such as recently, when my latest film gets one rejection after the next. So sometimes, I struggle with keeping my positivity in check.

But I try.

I try to keep the faith. I try to stay on track. I try to keep moving forward. I try to get my life to a place I want it to be. I try to find someone to share it with. I try to see reality. I try to be honest. I try to love. I try to treat others with respect. I try to be creative in all that I do. I try to understand everything I can. I try to be conscious. I try to make my one opportunity at life be everything I want it to be.

I try. But sometimes, I don’t succeed.

And with this trying, comes some depression, hardship, anxiety, reality battling my dreams, dealing with the truth, deciding what I will accept or not accept from others, figuring out if there’s someone out there I could love and could love me back…

But still, I try. And I will try for as long as I can breathe.

In a beautifully written moment in my favorite new show BOARDWALK EMPIRE, the main character says to the woman he’s with after she starts to realize he has a dark side, “We all have to decide for ourselves how much sin we can deal with.” Wow. Poignant. But maybe it’s applicable here also. Perhaps we all just have to figure out what we’re willing to try and not.

Sure, you may be able to pick up a pencil. That’s easy. But some things, like going after your dream job or finding your true love, aren’t so easy. So you have to try. And you might not succeed but maybe, just maybe, the trying is enough.

I don’t know, but at least I’m trying to figure it out…