relationships

My wedding dictionary

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Balance Beam: what the bride will feel like she’s walking on at times.

Bride: someone who will have a lot of decisions to make.

Cake: deliciousness.

Calendar: something that appears much longer than it actually is.

Children: not wanted, sorry.

Dress: cloth and beads that cost the price of a car.

Flowers: kinda unnecessary, albeit pretty.

Food & Drink: yes and yes.

Groom: someone who is along for the ride.

Guest List: hardest damn part of the whole affair.

Honeymoon: pure fun.

Invitations: an awful lot of wasted paper.

License: something I’m sure we’ll forget.

Love: the guiding light.

Marriage: The Point.

Wedding: a great big party, of all sizes, that celebrates a couple’s love.

Wedding Industry: a business, first and foremost, with a lot of extra add-ons that seem…unnecessary… foolish even, like a movie premiere spotlight, outside the church?

Ways to know you’ve reached the comfort zone in your relationship

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Maybe it happens after the second month of dating. Maybe it takes you both a year. Whatever the length, there will come a time in your relationship when you both will either separate or reach a point of comfortableness. (And yes, the later is a good thing! I realize that now, after thirty-something years…)

11 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU’VE REACHED THE COMFORT ZONE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1. you no longer have underwear the other hasn’t seen.

2. things that were once cute are now NOT CUTE AT ALL.

3. you’ve seen each other pee.

4. they’ve seen you at your worst, and stayed around past morning…

5. you both weigh ten pounds more than when you first met.

6. they’ve seen it all – nose spray, hair remover and control-top pantyhose.

7. you’ll have at one point or another asked your mate if they were okay because of how long they’ve been in the bathroom…

8. you two speak your own language, that only the both of you fully understand;

9. you understand each other without speaking.

10. you’ll have at one time or another disappointed the other because, yes, you did in fact watch the next episode of the show you both love.

11. the mystery has been replaced by a sense of home, and it feels unlike anything you’ve ever experienced in the best way imaginable….

Together, Not Against

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My boyfriend and I have been in our new place for a few months now but we have yet to accept that we have a third roommate, our neighbor’s television.

Our neighbor is LOUD. And she watches television incredibly often (does she work, I don’t know?) and it’s always on decibel 900. (I hope that’s loud, I’m actually not so sure about the whole decibel thing…) She also SLAMS her front door shut and talks at the TOP of her LUNGS as she yaps on the phone for hours. And did I mention she likes to do wall-shaking laundry at two o’clock in the morning?

But hey that’s life. I’m very fortunate and I know it and if this is the worst of my problems, I should shut the hell up. But there was one particular morning, my boyfriend and I learned an important lesson and I’d like to share it with my readers.

We had gone to bed the (Sunday) night before around one in the morning. The television in our neighbor’s apartment, which happens to share a very THIN wall with us, had droned on and on from eight until only God knows since we managed to fall asleep despite the noise.

Then, at around 7:30 in the morning, the television came back on. It sounded like Oprah on crack and a LOUD studio audience. My boyfriend and I were jolted awake and neither of us were happy about it. I grabbed my eye cover and yelled about the noise all the way to the bathroom while my boyfriend grunted and sighed. Under the covers, I tried to will the damn thing off. My boyfriend covered his head with the blanket. Nothing worked though. Cackling middle-aged women were practically in our bedroom at eight o’clock in the morning.

We got more pissed as the minutes passed. I started devising a plan and spoke it out loud despite my boyfriend’s snap, “No talking. It’s too early.” I continued talking about the letter I was going to write to my neighbor and how I would make my point as effectively as possible, using manipulation even if I had too (the things we say when we’re tired!), and I wasn’t done… But my boyfriend got upset and said that we could kiss our apartment goodbye (dramatic much?) and how I’d only be rocking the boat and causing trouble and that she’d probably start to do it even louder.

We laid opposite each other, having gone from practically hugging to no longer touching. I was upset. He was upset. And then, practically at the same time, we both breathed and looked at each other and realized what was happening. My boyfriend hugged me and said that it’s crazy for us to be taking it out on each other right now. I agreed and squeezed him back, thinking, this isn’t about me. Or about him. Or about our neighbor.

It’s about US.

We’re in this together.

We are not against each other.

It may sound simplistic but I’ll tell you this, my whole perspective at how I see the world changed in that moment of realization. Dramatic, much? Yeah. But moments that shape us qualify for such, no?

Communication

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There are times I like to be silent. Not talk. Not listen to others talking. Just be with me and my thoughts.

Sometimes though, these moments don’t exactly match with what my boyfriend has in mind. I love him, but he does like to talk and I love getting excited when he gets excited and I love reveling in his good news or comforting him with bad and I really love hearing how passionate he is about music and his business.

But…

There are times I like to be silent. Not talk. Not listen to others talking. Just be with me and my thoughts.

At first, my conscience spoke to me and sternly said, “Christina. You love him and you should listen to him even when you don’t feel like it.” So, I did. Two things started happening, though. I either zoned out and let my mind drift or I forced myself to listen and felt phony about it as I made impatient faces to myself (and perhaps the car occupants nearby…)

Not particularly enjoying either of those, I decided my next option was to change the subject and then slyly get off the phone/walk out of the room. This didn’t work either. All that ended up occurring was me interrupting him. And that’s just rude.

And then came tonight.

As I drove home after working a double, I called my boyfriend to say hi but my mind was exhausted and I was realllllly wanting some alone time. After several minutes of talking and a story started that didn’t appear to be too short, I decided I was just going to be honest with him. I simply said, “Baby, my mind is tired and I can’t really listen right now and I don’t want to zone out but I can’t talk right now. I’ll call you later, okay?”

There was a brief pause but then he said, “Sure, baby. No problem. I understand. Call me later.”

We hung up and I began to think about this…

Then, I decompressed. Got home, took a hot shower, did a facial scrub, wrote a blog post. And now, I feel a whole lot better.

Off to call my boyfriend!

“First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak.”
Epictetus

Small things matter.

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Yes, it’s true. I’m smitten. I met a man who is seriously almost too good to be true. He’s not perfect. And neither am I. But as my favorite line in Good Will Hunting goes, “You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.”

That is THE question.

I’ve been looking for quite some time, let me tell you, but I believe my patience and lack of settling has paid off and in fact, has actually led me to him… but maybe I’m wrong, who knows. I do know though that I’m all the better for having met him, and that’s cool enough for me…

While our chemistry is something I’ve never experienced before, there is also some amazing things we have in common that quite frankly, are hard to believe. This got me thinking about the absurdity and importance of the small things in our life and how difficult it is to find others who share some of these small things in common with us. I’m starting to wonder, maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there for everyone. (If only people would actually take the time to look for her/him we might not have as much divorce, but that’s another blog…) So, to get you thinking about your own relationship or perhaps future relationship, here are some small things I’ve noticed I have in common with the man I’m dating and it’s so damn weird and cool, I almost again, think he’s too good to be true…

1. We both like our meat/chicken/fish very well done.

2. Chips are our downfall, kettle chips in particular.

3. Music is a passion (for him, a career as well) yet neither of us really talked about it initially…

4. Breaking Bad is an obsession.

5. He’s the perfect assistant to me while I cook.

6. I’m the perfect assistant to him while he shops.

7. The night is young to both of us at midnight.

8. Mac is the only computer.

9. Sitting on the floor around the table for dinner is good for both of us.

10. Lightly dressed salad is the way to go.

11. Warm weather is better than cold.

I could go on… but I’ll stop here. Eleven, as many of my readers know, is my favorite number..

While it’s nice to have the larger things in common, one could argue the small things are equally important.

As Vincent Van Gogh once said, “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”

To lie or not to lie

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This is the question for many.

Full disclosure first. I used to be a liar. A big fat liar with no shame. But I was also an adolescent. And between the ages of 12 – 16, I hit my lowest points. In hindsight, I suppose I thought it was an easy way to make that which wasn’t real be real. But it never was. And as I grew up, I started to realize the consequences of lying and how it didn’t really change anything of substance, only one’s perception, and no matter how many times one may say a lie, it doesn’t make it any more real. I love Seinfeld and while this is one of my favorite lines for the character George Costanza – “It’s not a lie if you believe it” – I have to disagree. It’s still a lie. It just makes you a much better liar. And George was one of the best!

Two things I recently experienced in dating land have made me think about lying and how it applies to such. With the popularity of online dating, many people weed through profiles in search of someone they might like to date. And profiles get pretty specific, with height, body type, age, etc. While I’m sure some people lie all over the place on their profiles and others tell no lies, there is one category I’m noticing lying is hugely popular.

Age.

A friend of mine who is over the age of fifty told me his theory on this. He finds it to be a necessary evil, noting some will not give another a chance if their age is not in his/her preferred bracket, thus limiting them right out of the gate. He explained he didn’t want to be limited in such a way. I told him I understood the logic behind it but still, it’s lying and that’s not a good thing in my book.

To lie or not to lie?

Recently, I was chatting with a different friend of mine who is in his early twenties. He was telling me about his Friday night and mentioned that he can’t seem to lie to girls anymore. I’d like to think I helped him with this, but who knows. The bottom line is he’s questioning the whole lying method he had once used. But then he said to me, “Real men know how to lie when they talk to women.”

Without even a pause, I said to him, “Real men don’t have to lie.”

And neither do women.

At least, that’s how I see it.

The latest adventures in dating…

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If you’ve been reading my blog, in particular the last post in which I mention it, one of my year-long goals is to find the one. Yeah, a bit dramatic, I know, but I’m not kidding. I don’t want to find the okay one, the ever popular this-one-will-do one or the even more popular I-could-do-a-lot-worse one.

I just want to find The One.

This quest of mine started around a year or two ago when I finally decided the time had come to truly start looking for a co-pilot. Since the relationship with my college boyfriend, which lasted four years and ended over twelve years ago, I haven’t really been too concerned about finding The One. But today, it struck me that I’ve grown since my quest began, for the better, and that’s a good thing, right? Allow me to give a little back story before I write what I learned…

Over the past two weeks, I’ve been talking to a guy but we haven’t had our first date yet because he broke his foot and has been heavily dosed on pain killers. Well that and I also just started a new job and have been working a lot. Point is, we haven’t met up BUT we’ve been in contact every day since we starting talking.

Now, flashing back to maybe three or so months prior to this, one of my friends brought to my attention he noticed I’ll meet a guy I like but then have real high expectations and think he’s super great until shortly thereafter, I come to realize he really isn’t. Thanks Jim, and I agree with you now. But considering this behavior was still going on only a month or so ago, I know I’ve grown because…

I find myself giving a shit.

I may not be ready to walk down any aisle that ends with me being legally bound to someone, but I know I care because today while I was driving, I found myself thinking, “I wonder what his relationship to his parents is like… I wonder what kind of life he’s had… And even though he didn’t wish me a happy birthday on my birthday after he found out about it just the day before, I didn’t write him off but rather laughed it off. And when he asks me to text him after I get home from work at night so he knows I got home, I’m not annoyed at all but rather genuinely captivated.”

I finally understand the real meaning behind what Sean said in Good Will Hunting, “You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.”

That is the question. And I’m finally asking it…

I had a dream.

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I had a dream a few nights back that has not left me. Its simplicity in message was like a slap to my face. And I needed it. It was as though my subconscious looked my conscious in the eyes and charged full steam ahead.

Well… my subconscious won. But before I tell the dream, here’s some back-story…

I’ve been a bit down lately because my latest film “Your Move” has yet to play a festival. My confidence has taken a hit. And while I try to remind myself that when I made the all-or-nothing choice of being a filmmaker I accepted rejection, I still struggle with it. And lately, the struggle has been at an all-time high because though I love all my films, I applied everything I learned from them to this one and I feel it deserves to be shown in front of an audience. Alas, it has not though, except for my cast and crew screening which was one of the best nights of my life. But I digress…and there’s more.

While I’m feeling this way about my filmmaking, I also happen to meet a boy whom I really like. He makes me really happy, just being around him and though I feel like I know him, it’s also super exciting learning about him. But, as my readers know, relationships do not come easy for me so I’m struggling. BUT, I have jumped in, sink or swim. Perhaps this dream was trying to help me to not feel so scared about it.

Okay. I had a dream.

And in this dream I was hanging out with some friends but no one in particular whom I can remember. And we were in a place that was very high up and some people where jumping over a cliff and landing in these holes before they reached the ground. Some in my dream thought it was crazy but others were excited and enthusiastically jumping right over the edge. I was on the fence about it, should I? Shouldn’t I? I was worried. But then, I turned to my friend (?) and simply said “I’m going to do it.” We had to weave through people to get to the cliff but once there, I talked myself into it. Pretty much by saying over and over again, “Just do it.” (or something to that effect.) So, I took a deep breath, (I know, cliché, but I really remember doing this in the dream,) and I leaped over the cliff…

I went down in slow motion and made it into the hole. I landed on the ground with both feet (and I swear to God, this image is so crystal clear in my mind that I really wish I could draw.) Not a scratch was on me. I felt great. Then…

I woke up. And I’m pretty sure I had a smile on my face.

I think my subconscious took care of my conscious here and it’s really nice to know it’s looking out for its twin.

Sweet dreams!

Butterflies

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You know that common expression, “He/She gave me butterflies”?

Well, one could argue it implies someone is smitten, nervous, excited. And it’s probably because one is in the presence of someone else who makes them happy but also a little sick at the same time, mostly because they really like being around this particular person but then this same person also makes them nervous in that they could not like them back. Come on, you know what I mean… (And if you don’t, wow, I’m sorry for you! Get out there and learn…)

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about it because I recently felt butterflies. And I forgot what a wonderful feeling they are. It reminded me of being in high school, when I was so thrilled that a popular senior wanted to date me, an insecure sophomore, or when in college, after bluntly asking the boy I liked if he just wanted to be friends, he came to my door five days later and we spent the next four years together.

I think the trick is to find someone who gives you butterflies forever, in the excited way since the sick way should disappear after a while. While every day my not be a honeymoon in any relationship, I think it’s this feeling that acts as the glue for when they’re not.

Butterflies. They begin with a cocoon, which isn’t the most attractive of things and is only partially complete, and then they turn into a beautiful thing that spreads its wings and flies. One could argue that’s like one person finding another, who makes them and their world even better.

God, am I turning into a romantic? Likely not, but… I do love the romantic period of the 19th century… hah

kryptonite

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For all those who know about Superman, you’ll clearly know about Kryptonite. But for those who have lived on another planet and don’t know what that means, kryptonite is an ore and according to my Wikipedia, “the one weakness of an otherwise invulnerable hero.”

Okay, I know I’m not invulnerable but I’m going to make a comparison here. Seriously, I have my shit together when it comes to my career, my goals, my family and friends. I have made any and all sacrifices I’ve needed to in order to continue making films and I barely bat an eye because I know that it’s exactly what I want in life. I will stand up to any and all who stand in my way and I never balk at confrontation. Ask anyone who knows me. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back, just setting up my argument. The bottom line is, I know what I want and will not settle for anything less…. when it comes to my career.

And as far as family and friends go. Well, I didn’t use to take this seriously but about five or so years ago, I realized how important family and true friends are and I have consciously made a point to be loyal and care about all those who are true to me. I hope I have shown that to those who are close to me but I suppose, you will have to ask them if that is true. I do believe it is.

My personal life in regards to men, however, well… that’s another story. Because I have spent so much time on trying to get my films made, I’ve been able to ignore the personal aspect of my life for quite some time. Having had two long-term boyfriends, one for three years in high school and another for four years in college, I’m able to say that I get what it means to be in a relationship but it’s not a focus of mine. An aspiration, yes. One that will maybe happen one day but if it doesn’t with someone who rocks my world, well, then, it doesn’t. I don’t want anything less. That said, I realize I have a problem. I tend to go for exactly the wrong type of person and today, when one of my friends told me I was being the cliché, it finally hit me. I am f’ed up in this regard. And I need to change my behavior.

Not easy, people. Not easy at all. And I think there are many of us who can relate to partaking in bad behavior with the opposite sex.

Why on earth would one care about someone who doesn’t care about them? Why would anyone ever give the time of day to someone who ignores their thoughts? Why would anyone consider someone who treats them with little respect? It’s crazy, right? I know. Yet, I partook in that behavior. And I’m totally embarrassed and realize that while I may have my shit together in other regards, I have some things to learn in regards to my personal life. I’m glad I won’t settle but I’m not glad I pursue exactly who I shouldn’t. Why would one who treats you bad be on your list of someone worthy of getting to know???

Kryptonite. Some men are this for me. And I need to find my shield to it. Could it just simply be logic?

Damn…

I think it is.