philosophy

Out Of The Haze

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I’ve been sick these past few days. The sick where your nose is so stuffed you feel like you’re drowning. I got some sinus bug that doesn’t seem to want to go away but the orange juice and tomato soup I’ve been ingesting is trying to force it otherwise. And slowly, I’m coming out of the sick haze…

But two days ago was another story.

I was in bed, all day, in a nighttime-cold-medicine-induced-fog, and I had time to think. Sure, my thoughts were all over the place and half the time I think I was dreaming, but one thing my brain kept wandering to is the list of things I’ve been wanting to change but haven’t done a damn thing about. Things that are bad behaviors. Things that I know if I do change – like saving more money and not drinking as much wine – will only make me a better and happier person and yet, it never seems like the right time to make any changes. There’s always a reason not too. But in my sick daze and confusion, it all started to make sense, albeit in the most basic and simple way. (There’s a thin line between complicated and simple…)

The only thing stopping me was me.

Now, as I come out of the haze, I’m realizing…

Sometimes things have to get a little cloudy before the clarity comes.

Take yourself out of the equation

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Misery loves company.

I think there’s truth to that. It makes sense to some degree that miserable people want to share their misery or see other people be miserable in an effort to feel less alone. After all, when someone’s happy, they often want to share that too.

The other day, I was chatting with a friend and she was going on for a while about all that was wrong with her life. Some of the issues she was dealing with had to do with other people’s choices and actions having an effect on her. After listening for a while, I shared something with her that I apply when other people try to make me part of something I don’t want to be a part of.

I take myself out of the equation.

It really is that simple.

This doesn’t mean one shouldn’t help others; it simply means that it’s YOUR choice to help or not.

Years ago, I worked as an assistant editor and a boss of mine come up with the idea of having me check on my co-workers assignments at the end of the night to make sure they were done right. I would be receiving no additional pay but could perhaps have a better title. I thought he was joking. He wasn’t. Basically, he wanted to hold me responsible for all the assistant editor work. My work was fine; others weren’t.

So I took myself out of that equation.

The fact he had people who weren’t doing their job well had nothing to do with me nor did I want it to. I explained that I was hired as an assistant editor and would do my job to the best of my ability. Perhaps if I wanted to grow with this company, I would have made a different choice but I didn’t. The point is though – it was my choice to make.

Others may try to put you in their equations but remember, as long as no one forces you (because that becomes a whole other situation,) only you can decide to be a part of something or not.

Misery may love company but that doesn’t mean you have to be it.

——–

(For purposes of this blog, I use the word “equation” mostly figuratively though in the sense of this definition, taken from the Collins English Dictionary, “a situation, esp one regarded as having a number of conflicting elements.“)

Lose the Fear

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One of my favorite times to write a blog post is when a theme keeps popping up in my daily life. And if it’s something I’ve given a lot of thought to, well…. I feel useful and I love that.

Many of those who I know, including myself, are frustrated. Frustrated with… the reality of things, the direction the world is going, what our predecessors left us, how to continue, money, time, etc. I could go on but the point is, frustration is in the air.

I don’t have any answers beyond reality but I am sometimes asked my opinion on things from those in my life and this topic has come up several times recently. Now don’t get me wrong. I’d be nowhere without the mentorship of my father, mother, philosophers, bosses and others so I include myself in seeking advisement, but when I am asked my opinion on something, I take it seriously. And I’ve been thinking a lot about those of us who are going after employment in the difficult-to-succeed-in entertainment industry, largely because that is the world in which I inhibit, but also because it’s a subset of people who fascinate me. Once you reach a certain age, the level of difficulty to be successful in this industry sets in and it’s the ones who truly want to be doing it, that keep doing it. Frustration is plentiful here. But while I learn from this industry, I believe the best advice out there about frustration can apply to anyone:

Do not operate from a foundation of fear but rather one of optimism.

Allow me to explain how this is helpful. I study philosophy. Ayn Rand, through her expansion on the Law of Identity, which is attributed to Aristotle but possibly could date further, taught me A = A. Reality is what it is despite how I perceive it. Coming from this premise, I can appreciate that reality is not always about control but is always about choice. Things will happen beyond my control and I can choose how to deal with them. If I am fearful of the outcomes, I will start from a defeatist point of view. 

A wise man once said, “Life is a struggle.” It is, no matter who you are. So if perhaps I come from a place of knowing that and accepting it, then I can start from an optimistic point of view.

Now one could say, “Hang on, fear is good. Who knows what will happen and one should be prepared, especially if life is a struggle…” I thought this too, for a while, but then realized there is a big difference between being an optimistic realist and a pessimistic realist.

Realism is seeing what is true to life.

Within that context, being optimistic is seeing what could be.

Being pessimistic is seeing what can’t be.

Considering life isn’t easy no matter how you look at it, which point of view do you want to take?

The Living

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I’ve been struggling lately with something. I don’t think I’m looking for it. I know I hate it. And yet, it seems to be everywhere and all I want to do is call it out for what it is.

Bullshit.

Pardon my language but “nonsense” is just not strong enough a word. I’m talking about the real deal. The meaningless crap that sucks one’s life away. The people who talk the talk but walk a very different walk. The actions of most Republicans and Democrats in office.

It’s all been driving me a bit mad, lately. As though my bullshit meter got turned to high alert… so how to stop it from making me absolutely miserable?

Recently, my sister recommended the show “The Walking Dead” to me. At first I said, “nah, I’m not into zombie stuff,” but then she proceeded to tell me about how the story wasn’t all about that but actually more about the living, the humans who survived. Now, that intrigued me. So I watched the first episode and haven’t been able to stop. It poses and explores all kinds of deep questions about survival and humanity. It’s complete mind candy.

And lo and behold, I think it’s helped with my struggle about dealing with bullshit.

As I watched this story unfold about survival, I realized that life IS a struggle, zombies or no zombies, and it’s ALL about how we deal with that struggle.

I will never be able to stop all the bullshit out there but I can learn to live in a world in which it exists because the bottom line is, it does. Life is imperfect. It’s a struggle. There are evil forces out there. I can let that fact make me miserable or I can choose otherwise. It’s up to me to decide what to focus on. Like the characters on the show demonstrate, living isn’t simple and it isn’t black and white. It’s gray and all sorts of messy. But what it ultimately comes down to, at its very core, is how we treat ourselves and others.

Why?

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As I was talking politics tonight, someone said to me, “Well, your friend Rand Paul…” and continued with their theory of why Rand is no good. I stopped them and said that he’s no a friend of mine. I’ve never even met the man.

I am not here to defend Rand Paul. He has a lot more to prove to me before I stand behind him or anyone else for that matter. I have not put my support behind anyone for the 2016 election so I don’t really understand why suddenly Rand Paul becomes “my friend” simply because he’s running for president.

Yes, I worked on his father’s campaign in 2012. Yes, I find him interesting. Yes, he is the closest to being a Libertarian out of those who appear to be running for the next president from the two major parties but he is by no means a Libertarian, which happens to be the party I most closely identify with, so… how exactly is this man my friend?

Oh, wait. That’s right. Others like to place me in a category, for a reason which I have yet to fully understand but my goodness, do they try.

Is it because I am part of what I like to call the “political super-minority”?  I am neither a Republican or Democrat. I identify closest to Libertarian yes, but in truth, I adhere to no parties’ principles except for my own and I take full responsibility for such behavior. I get that I am not the norm and I don’t often have agreeing opinions with others, especially in terms of politics, but what’s so wrong with disagreeing? Why do others around me consistently try to place me within the confines of some person or party? Often times, if I state my opinion, suddenly I’m a lover of Obama or I want McCain in the oval office. Does it make them feel better? Does it help them in some way to categorize me?

My parents raised me to not care about what others think. I thank them for that. It’s made me okay with others disagreeing with me. It’s made me understand why I do what I do. It’s made me learn that it’s up to each one of us to figure out what is right and wrong and act accordingly, not confine ourselves to some label or group thinking. And now, it’s helping me understand why others try to place me in a group. Allow me to give an example…

I was raised a Catholic. I was taught by nuns in elementary school. I went to church. I took the Eucharist. I’m Sicilian and this religion is important to my ancestors, near and past. Very important.

So I was placed in this religion but as I grew up, I started questioning why I was doing what I was doing. When it came time for Confirmation, I really started to question things. What does this mean to me? Do I want to be here? Do I feel as they want me too? Is this something I’m drawn to on an honest level?

My mother and I were brought before the woman in charge of the Confirmation classes I was taking. I believe it was because of my “behavior”. It was at this meeting that my rebellion against organized religion was sparked and it became the start of others getting upset when I didn’t feel the same way they did. I became wrong for not believing in the God others around me did. I wasn’t acting as part of their group, so therefore I had a behavior problem.

But why?

What’s so wrong with thinking differently? Who is the arbiter of right and wrong? And if someone does think differently than you, do they have to be boxed into a category? Is it so they can be attacked?

I’ve been watching the Star Wars original series and can’t help but heed the message that we can live among all types of different people because deep down, it’s the force of goodness inside us that will prevail.

Ways to know you’ve reached the comfort zone in your relationship

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Maybe it happens after the second month of dating. Maybe it takes you both a year. Whatever the length, there will come a time in your relationship when you both will either separate or reach a point of comfortableness. (And yes, the later is a good thing! I realize that now, after thirty-something years…)

11 WAYS YOU KNOW YOU’VE REACHED THE COMFORT ZONE IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

1. you no longer have underwear the other hasn’t seen.

2. things that were once cute are now NOT CUTE AT ALL.

3. you’ve seen each other pee.

4. they’ve seen you at your worst, and stayed around past morning…

5. you both weigh ten pounds more than when you first met.

6. they’ve seen it all – nose spray, hair remover and control-top pantyhose.

7. you’ll have at one point or another asked your mate if they were okay because of how long they’ve been in the bathroom…

8. you two speak your own language, that only the both of you fully understand;

9. you understand each other without speaking.

10. you’ll have at one time or another disappointed the other because, yes, you did in fact watch the next episode of the show you both love.

11. the mystery has been replaced by a sense of home, and it feels unlike anything you’ve ever experienced in the best way imaginable….

Flow of a funeral.

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Shock. Sadness. Grief. Pain. Regret.

Quick plans. Bereavement fares. Last minute seats.

Supportive job. Supportive parents. Supportive friends.

Reality. Love. Channeled strength from the one gone.

Closed casket. Family members. Spirituality.

Hands held. Cheeks kissed. Tears streamed.

Mortality magnified. Thought.

Goodbye.

Memories. Food. Family. Friends. Strength in numbers.

Love.

Clean up. Continual goodbyes. Revelations.

Love.

Tears. Questions. Reality.

Love.

Finality. Headstone. Acceptance.

Lesson learned from the deceased.

Meaning. Growth.

Love.

Outweigh

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My boyfriend is returning today after working in San Francisco since Friday. And I miss him. Honestly, much more than I thought I would…

See, I used to live alone. For seven years and to be frank, I loved it. I enjoy my alone time and relish in it so living with others has always been a bit difficult for me. I tend to hurt other people’s feelings simply by wanting to spend time alone so needless to say, I was looking forward to a three-day weekend flying solo.

Or so I thought.

After about twenty-four hours of all me time, which included cooking shrimp (something my boyfriend hates!), I began to notice a few things…

First off. Sleeping sucked. I woke up every three hours for some reason. And sleeping diagonal with one knee out just wasn’t what it used to be.

Also… I noticed he wasn’t there to show that I washed the floors and it made it not as satisfying. And arriving home after a long walk wasn’t the same without him being there to give me a big hug and ask about it, genuinely wanting to hear about the heart-shaped leaf I found or the funny saying on the corner church (“Soul Food Inside”). Cooking, even if it was shrimp, wasn’t as much fun without seeing my boyfriend clean his second helping. And I would have bet against it if someone told me I preferred to watch films with him rather than alone but it’s true. After watching both Indie films “Afternoon Delight” and “C.O.G.”, I wanted to hear his thoughts on them and wished he was beside me.

I began to think back on living alone all those years and suddenly, they weren’t as sunny as I remembered them. Lonely nights. Over indulging in vices. Days without human contact. Going in circles in my head with no one to pull me out…

I started out on Friday thinking I was getting a piece of my freedom back, living alone and answering to no one. But I ended up learning a valuable lesson.

I will always like my alone time but I like being around my boyfriend so much more.

Hope

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I am an independent filmmaker. I’ve made 6 short films to date and I am in the process of raising the funds for my feature film debut, which I wrote with a writing partner.

And I am desperately trying not to lose hope that the movie industry will return to its 60s/70s-era spirit and revive the mindset of vying to create art for wide audiences.

Scorsese, Coppola, Cassavetes… just a few filmmakers who had something original to say and did so in a creative way. Where are they now? Scorsese has somehow managed to figure out how to maintain his art while working in the studio system – God bless him!; Coppola figured out a way to finance his own work (largely through his winery) – YAY!!!!, and Cassavetes, well, he unfortunately has passed on, but may he RIP knowing he created original films. Who is following in their foot steps? Very few. I am trying. And in my personal opinion: Wes Anderson, Sophia Coppola, Richard Linklater, Kenneth Lonergan and David O,Russell are among the few who have attempted to break through the studio system and make original and intellectually stimulating films that tell humanistic stories in artistic ways.

Look, I get that people like comic books and being scared and I understand there is an audience to see Avengers 25 and Saw 15 but what about the rest of us? It is so hard these days to find an original film at a movie theater that is character-driven yet not written down to appeal to the lowest common denominator. Fortunately, the Internet has allowed for easier viewing of more options but the studio system has in large part shunned the rest of us in terms of theatrical releases.

That’s why when I go to an AMC (which screens indie pics to some degree btw) and watch a film like BOYHOOD by Richard Linklater, I am brought to tears.

This film is unique. It’s raw. It’s real. It’s smart. It’s honest. It’s slow. It’s life unfolding and yet manages to make sense of it.

It’s art.

When I walked out of the theater, thinking about the film I just saw, I had a smile from ear to ear. Not so much because I was happy a film similar to those I make was getting some recognition, but because of another very important factor that has stayed with me to this moment.

It gave me hope.

“Boyhood”
GO SEE IT.

Simple questions to gauge how happy you are…

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Happiness. That elusive feeling we all want, whether we admit it or not. That beautiful energy that swirls around those who feel it. That pleasurable experience from finding a piece of what you’ve been seeking, that can take your breath away at the same time elevate you.

Why would you not want it?

Of course, it’s one of the hardest things to attain and I’d beg to argue the most sought after. Don’t most people want the well-beloved material items – money, cars, drugs, art – so they can be happy, or so they think?

I think happiness is most difficult to find because it comes from within.

That’s a primitive thought though. Aristotle declared, ” Happiness depends upon ourselves,” many, many, many years ago.

Sometimes to get to the good stuff, the bad stuff has to come out too though. I’ve had some dark, dark moments but when the light did emerge, I felt an inner peace I had never felt before.

Here’s some simple questions I’ve found to be helpful to gauge how happy one is. Perhaps they can help you too!

1. How often do you smile at someone before they’ve smiled at you?

2. Do you yell a lot?

3. As you read this, are your shoulders scrunched up?

4. Do others try to spend time with you?

5. Do you care about what others think?

6. Do you lie? How often? How big?

7. Do you exercise in any way on a weekly basis?

8. Are you proud of your eating habits?

9. Are you proud of yourself?

10. Do you cuss at others to get your words across?

11. Do you enjoy your days?

If you don’t like any answers to these questions, it’s NEVER too late to change…

Cheers!