marriage

Why I’m happy my husband and I waited five years to become Facebook friends

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I met my husband, Don, on Labor Day 2012 and sparks flew as we walked for hours around Manhattan Beach, talking and getting to know each other. This was followed with a drink by the pier and a couple more hours of conversation.

Talking to Don was like talking to an old friend who suddenly came back into my life. It was like we knew each other but didn’t. And he somehow made me believe true love did indeed exist.

So when a few months into our relationship I asked Don to be Facebook friends, and he declined, let’s just say I was most certainly thrown for a loop.

“How dare he?!” “What in the hell!” “That’s it. It’s over.” 

These are a few things that ran through my head when he told me he didn’t want to be Facebook friends. And then a big one sank in….

“What in the world is he hiding?!”

Now, up to this point, Don had not done a thing to make me distrust him and in fact, he did a lot of things that made me trust him, so this was mind-boggling.

The next night we were together, probably within fifteen seconds if I know myself, I unleashed on him. I questioned him and our entire relationship.

I simply couldn’t understand how we could date and be falling in love and yet he didn’t want to “friend me” on social media.

Then, he said something calmly and uncomplicated.

“I don’t want to get to know you through Facebook.”

My inner rage was jolted. And as though it was controlled by a gas-stove dial, the flame went from bursting to barely there.

He had a really solid point. And I liked it. I respected that he didn’t want to learn about me through a social networking service.

So I agreed. We would not be Facebook friends until we were ready.

There was one stipulation though – I would be able to see his page whenever I wanted to, under his login. Come on people, I’m no fool. But he not only agreed, he also invited me to do so right then and there.

Which, of course, I did. But after that, I’ve probably asked him to look at his page maybe five times in the five years we’ve been together. And that was only to see pictures.

Now… flash forward to last week.

After being married for a year and a half, I turned to Don while we were grabbing a drink before dinner and said, “Babe, you think it’s time we become Facebook friends?”

He gave me one of his adorable side-tilted smiles and said, “You want to? Let’s do it.”

He sent me an invite ten seconds later.

And then I realized, after all this time, it’s really fun to suddenly get to see each other’s Facebook life. Not that it’s much different from non-Facebook life, but it is its own entity and I’m not sure Don realizes it, but he discovered a whole new way for us to get to know each other.

I care.

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I completely surprised myself.

As someone who has never cared for the gender roles society tries to assign and in fact has more than often gone out of their way to disprove them, it struck me odd when I found myself tending to my husband’s every need the past two days and not minding it.

Let me explain.

It’s very easy to go along with the flow when your significant other is healthy and things are going smoothly, both rocking the world in your regular vibe, being on your own little cloud nine…

But then, there are days when things don’t go smoothly and the flow I mentioned starts to ebb.

Like when one of you get sick.

A few days ago, my husband got hit with whatever flu is going around and the poor guy’s throat has been so sore he hasn’t been able to talk, all the while his body has ached for days. I can still see it in his eyes. He’s not himself. This bug has taken over him.

And so, for the past two days, I’ve found myself taking care of him – asking him what he wanted and going to get it right then, doing all the laundry, preparing his favorite tuscan white bean soup and making sure he got fluids and plenty of rest.

And I didn’t mind it at all.

If someone asked me five years ago if I would one day take care of someone like I have the past two days, I might have either laughed thinking they didn’t know me at all or if they did, wonder what they’d been smoking.

My priorities were so much different then.

And as I was driving home from work tonight, I realized I no longer equated taking care of someone as being weak but instead saw it as one of the strongest things you can do.

And I smiled because I’ve come a long way from the girl who lived alone in a studio and loved it.

I care.

And it feels good.

What we talk about when we talk about love

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The other day, a friend asked me if I had been to Sicily, the place where my parents were born and the root of my culture. I said “no, not yet” and it made me think of something…

First, a little background.

My husband is not from the state we live in. While I have my immediate family here and have had a life in Los Angeles for the past thirty years, my husband has not. His family and friends are on the east coast but his passion for music and the Pacific Ocean led him out west. (Thankfully!)

A little over a year into our relationship, we decided to step things up a notch. We moved in together. And we wanted me to meet his parents. At that time, roundtrip flights to Orlando were going to cost us nearly a thousand dollars. Having just moved in together and needing to pay for a few surprise expenses like car work and dental bills, we did not have an extra thousand to spend.

A little more background.

I am Sicilian, as most my readers know, and going to Sicily has been on my goal list for as long as I can remember. I have a ton of family there and when I was single, I was planning to go visit there for a month. I had been saving up my frequent flier miles for a round trip ticket for almost a decade.

Then, I met my husband and though I was able to take the trip for the first time in my life, I had postponed it because I wanted to get to know him and felt like something magical was happening.

It was indeed and flash forward back to where we were… moved in and wanting to go to Florida so I could meet his parents but lacking in the funds department.

I went online and looked up how many miles I would need for two round trip tickets to Orlando. It was the exact amount for my Sicilian trip.

Though this even surprised myself, I immediately offered them to be used to fly to Florida. My husband insisted I not give up my trip but I was steadfast on the idea and ultimately, he accepted the gift.

We went to Florida and had the most wonderful of trips. His parents were an absolute pleasure and welcomed me in with open arms, thrilled to see their son and I in love.

I had zero regrets on using those miles. And that’s when I realized I was deeply in love with him and my priorities had shifted. Though Sicily is extremely high on my list, he’s higher.

Six months later, my husband’s father fell ill and passed away.

And that was when I realized those miles were never meant for Sicily.

Countdown till Christmas –1 days to go!

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I apologize for the delay in posting this last post of my countdown till Christmas but my husband is a follower of my blog (and one of my biggest fans, which I am grateful for!) and I didn’t want him to see this until after I gave him the surprise. …

It’s been a fun filled Christmas Eve and I hope you have had one as well. My husband and I exchanged presents today as tomorrow is all about exchanging with family. One of the presents I gave him was homemade, as I believe in giving him one every year. Today, I wanted to do something special for him as he makes my life special in ways I could never have imagined.

Today, I made him a framed collage of the first four and half years we’ve known each other. And he was very happy with it :)

And I want to thank the universe that I was fortunate enough to find my soulmate. We are vastly different and yet extremely alike. He teaches me everyday and helps make me a better person. I hope I do the same for him. He challenges me and yet allows me to be the curious thinker that I am. I believe I’ve done something right to have met this amazing tall, dark and handsome man. (Seriously, when I first met him, I thought he was waaaayyy out of my league ;) but he chose me!)

So, in ending this ten day countdown I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas and good night. May you find love and peace in your lives, whatever that means for you.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
– Lao Tzu

Relationship Fun

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I loath routine. And both myself and my husband have a great dislike for boredom.

When we first moved in together, I asked if he’d be willing to do something to keep the intrigue alive and not only did he agree, but it’s since become a part of our romantic life…

Okay… So, what did I ask him?

I asked if he would allow me to get ready for our date nights without him and if he could knock on our bedroom door at a designated time to “pick me up.”

He said yes and got ready in his home studio.

That was three years ago and we’ve been doing it ever since.

See, you still get the mystery of it all. You don’t know what the other looks like for the date and whether they may have a surprise for you. You get to see each other looking nice in full form, not in each stage. You get to plan surprises for the other. And you get to wait and do your own thing before going out.

Give it a try.

Or maybe you have your own fun device? If so, please share!

 

 

Marriage Lesson #108

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I’ve learned a lesson recently in marriage. After living alone for seven years and not really dating for five of those years while I made films back to back, I should have known this was bound to happen and stop it but… well, I did it anyway.

But allow me to start at the beginning…

About a week ago, my husband and I realized the blinds in our new apartment were malfunctioning, including the patio door vertical blinds. I went back and forth a bit with our landlord and soon realized my husband was not very happy about it.

At first, I wondered what his problem was and why he wasn’t on my side. After all, I was trying to make our apartment as great as can be! But after a terse interchange, I began to see the reason why he was angry…

I shot off those emails, signed by both of us, without even consulting him. And my approach is direct and to the point while his is a bit more…. what’s the word…forgiving? Yeah. Forgiving.

He let me know that we are a team and I should consult him when doing things in our name together.

And you know, he was absolutely right. And I did apologize after I recognized that. And have since changed my behavior.

I was so quick to revert to old habits of doing what I wanted, when I wanted. But marriage is a team. And when something involves the both of us, than we both should handle it. As a team. And if we disagree, we talk about it and form a compromise.

Yet another lesson in marriage.

#justmarried

And stay tuned for my upcoming short documentary, shot on my honeymoon where I turned the camera on myself and new husband :) More information can be found here!

 

 

Breathing

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Some days are just plain stressful. Maybe it’s coming from your career. Maybe it’s of a personal nature. Maybe it’s both – gasp! Wherever the stress comes from, it hits you sometimes, right? I mean, who among us hasn’t had a day you just wanted to make go away?

This month has been rather intense for me. From having deadlines with film and writing, to being forced to move and find a new place to live, to switching my work schedule back from night to day, I’ve been juggling a lot of balls in the air and it hasn’t been the easiest of times.

That said, it hasn’t been the hardest either. Just stressful. And yes, stress is part of life but that doesn’t make it any easier.

Nature speaks if one is listening though and the other day, it sent me a message with a way to help make it easier…

First, a story:

My husband and I were shopping at our local grocery store and we were both not feeling very well. Cough and congestion. While he was picking out some veggies, I strolled around. It’d been a stressful week and I was running the list of things I had to do in my head as I aimlessly drifted in and out of the aisles.

And then I saw nectarines.

I was craving them earlier and was happy to see they were on sale. I stopped at the large aisle bin and started to notice my breathing, as I took in the sweet smell of a fruit I adore.

I wondered about my breath. Had I even been breathing this past week?

Sure, I know, it’s automatic. Thankfully, the mind and body kick in and focuses on it despite its owner’s lack of attention.

But at that moment, I was paying attention as I breathed in deeply. Focusing on air going in and out, I saw my husband checking out celery and I felt a wave of happiness come over me.

Why is it that we focus on what’s hard or what’s wrong rather than what’s great and what’s right?

Thank you universe, for the wonderful reminder of how to reduce stress:

Breathe. And see the good.

#claritycomeswithbreath

 

11 Positive Things About Moving

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Craigslist scams, application fees, anxiety…

My husband and I were given sixty days to vacate our apartment because our new property management company wants to remodel the building. We have lived here for over two years and like it but with no choice, we’ve had to get looking.

As the negative aspects of moving started to sprout, I realized I had to nip those before they grew. So instead, I decided to focus on the positive things. Positivity begets positivity and I believe in making it swirl all around me. (FYI – it worked, we found a place that is absolutely amazing!)

11 Positive Things About Moving 

1. It’s a time to purge oneself of unnecessary material things.

2. Rediscovery of lost items. (so that’s what happened to that ring…)

3. New beginnings.

4. Fresh paint and new carpet.

5. Making $$ from a garage sale.

6. Makes it easier to make other changes with a new beginning…

7. New restaurants to discover within walking distance.

8. A change in routine. That’s good for the soul.

9. Housewarming parties!

10. Opportunity to find a place that corrects what was wrong with your current place.

11. A clean slate with new neighbors ;)

 

 

This Is Marriage.

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I’ve been having this reoccurring dream. Nightmare actually.

The dream is me finding out my husband is not going to marry me. Well, in the dream we are still dating and I learn he’s changed his mind and I am utterly and totally devastated. I wake up with a feeling that I never want to experience in real life. It’s scary.

I’ve been married six months now and it’s by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I thank the universe that I found the love of my life. Sure, it took me thirty-five years but then, there’s no age limit to finding love. Yeah, I guess there are consequences (perhaps no children, maybe lots of loneliness) but once The One is found, the wait proves to be well worth it. But I digress…

In that six months, I’ve had this dream about three or four times.

I should confess that I don’t handle lack of control well. And opening up myself to someone else, trusting them, loving them, is very scary. Maybe not for you, but it is for me.

I had this dream a few nights ago. And I woke up from it feeling that devastation yet again.

But as I came out of this hurtful slumber, I heard a voice say, “Morning baby.”

So I opened my eyes and said, “I just had the worst dream ever. I dreamt you didn’t want to marry me.”

My husband then turned to me and replied, “That’s funny because I was actually lying here, wanting to hug you so bad but worried I was going to wake you.”

And a smile spread across my face.

That is marriage.

Making your partner feel stronger just by being you.

#holdoutfortheone

 

 

Make Healthy A Habit – Day Seventeen

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As I was lying in bed this morning, a thought occurred to me about something my husband and I had talked about in the past.

Getting rid of technology in the bedroom.

The world we live in is fast-paced and practically run by technology.

Smartphones are everywhere and people are now attaching them to their wrists.

Tablets and laptops are third arms for a large part of this population.

And all the noise of technology is very difficult to shut off if you live in a major city. Hell, probably even in small cities.

So, where is our sanctuary? Our technology-free zone? Our place to cut ourselves off from the grid and be mindful in the present moment?

Sure, one could argue that’s what yoga studios and churches are good at but my husband and I came to the realization that we want a place like that in our home.

In an effort to get better sleep, be more mindful and present with each other and in the moment, we are no longer allowing phones, laptops or tablets in our bedroom. This is our place to disconnect, log out, sign off.

Because really, is it healthy to always be online?

Make healthy a habit. #makehealthyahabit

 

**For the original idea, please visit here.