life

Are you happy?

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That is THE question, is it not?

Sure, I suppose a few may say no and to them I say, “enjoy your misery”, but I’d bet a ton of money most people want to be happy. I know I do. But I’ve also learned it’s not easy and in fact, many people are not happy. And as one who studies philosophy, let me tell you, happiness is elusive and more often than not, it’s something internal and spiritual rather than external and tangible.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about this concept of happiness. Some around me seem to be less than happy with their lives and their choices, and as for me, I contemplate this on a regular basis because if there’s anything I want to achieve in this lifetime, it’s happiness.

It’s a tough ass question though, at least in my opinion. I know I’ve been searching for happiness since I was ten years old because that’s when I can recall the first time I felt truly unhappy. I had just moved to Los Angeles, CA from Buffalo, NY and not only did I have no friends and no idea of what this new city was all about, I didn’t know how to act and be myself in a new and unknown setting. I struggled and that’s putting it lightly.

But there’s a story about myself from that time that I’d like to share because it made me realize, even at the young age of ten, what it would take to make oneself happy…

Picture this. A ten-year old girl, who had to leave the suburban upstate NY hometown she knew since her memory began because her father got a job promotion, and her sudden new life in the slick and stylish city of Los Angeles, California. Yes, her dream of making movies fully developed there and so in that sense, LA was a dream come true, but in the day-to-day reality, this young girl made up games to play by herself and she kept her distance from others in fear she would have to leave them like she did her friends in Buffalo. And then, at the end of the first year she spent in LA, in the fifth grade, she managed to get the part of Frenchie, one of the Pink Ladies in GREASE, in a play her elementary school was putting on. It was a main role and she had won it over another girl who was after the same part. Finally, this young girl was thrilled about something that she could find comfort and happiness in. As soon as she got home, she proudly told her parents about the upcoming play, in which she would have a main part but then…………. Uh oh. Her mother told her, “That’s the week we’ll be going back to New York for your uncle’s wedding.”

Tears didn’t come. This play was the saving grace of the difficult year this young girl faced and now, even that was going to be taken away from her. It hurt. Let me tell you. It hurt like hell. But she was ten, so what could she do? She told the play director, as she blinked back tears, that she could not accept the role because she would be gone the week before it was to open. The play director said that was best and moved on to the next. It was at this time this young girl realized two things – life is not fair and if one wants happiness, one needs to find it for oneself.

Happiness is different for everyone. Perhaps money would make one person happy while simply being around the people they love makes another happy. There’s no right or wrong answer because happiness has to be defined by each individual. Recently, I was asked in a round about way if I was okay with certain aspects of my life. I didn’t even have to hesitate though before I answered, “I’m the happiest now than I’ve ever been.”

I could say… Yes, I don’t really have any money. Sure, I don’t have many assets. And yeah, I haven’t achieved the level of success in my job that I would like…

But you know what? I have a sense of identity. I know who I am, what I want and what I’m going after. If I live in a one-bedroom apartment with the man I’ve recently met who makes me swoon every time I see him and I get to make films for the rest of my life and be around my family, I’d die an extremely happy person.

I equate happiness with love, honesty, reality and passion.

So what makes you happy?

Small things matter.

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Yes, it’s true. I’m smitten. I met a man who is seriously almost too good to be true. He’s not perfect. And neither am I. But as my favorite line in Good Will Hunting goes, “You’re not perfect, sport, and let me save you the suspense: this girl you’ve met, she’s not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you’re perfect for each other.”

That is THE question.

I’ve been looking for quite some time, let me tell you, but I believe my patience and lack of settling has paid off and in fact, has actually led me to him… but maybe I’m wrong, who knows. I do know though that I’m all the better for having met him, and that’s cool enough for me…

While our chemistry is something I’ve never experienced before, there is also some amazing things we have in common that quite frankly, are hard to believe. This got me thinking about the absurdity and importance of the small things in our life and how difficult it is to find others who share some of these small things in common with us. I’m starting to wonder, maybe, just maybe, there is someone out there for everyone. (If only people would actually take the time to look for her/him we might not have as much divorce, but that’s another blog…) So, to get you thinking about your own relationship or perhaps future relationship, here are some small things I’ve noticed I have in common with the man I’m dating and it’s so damn weird and cool, I almost again, think he’s too good to be true…

1. We both like our meat/chicken/fish very well done.

2. Chips are our downfall, kettle chips in particular.

3. Music is a passion (for him, a career as well) yet neither of us really talked about it initially…

4. Breaking Bad is an obsession.

5. He’s the perfect assistant to me while I cook.

6. I’m the perfect assistant to him while he shops.

7. The night is young to both of us at midnight.

8. Mac is the only computer.

9. Sitting on the floor around the table for dinner is good for both of us.

10. Lightly dressed salad is the way to go.

11. Warm weather is better than cold.

I could go on… but I’ll stop here. Eleven, as many of my readers know, is my favorite number..

While it’s nice to have the larger things in common, one could argue the small things are equally important.

As Vincent Van Gogh once said, “Great things are done by a series of small things brought together.”

Change is good. Efficiency is better.

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I generally like change. I lived in five different places in the five years I was in college. I’ve chosen jobs that regularly offer variety – filmmaking, script reading and waiting tables. I don’t settle when I date. I’ll typically always try something once and when I feel stagnate, I’ll take the necessary steps to stop it.

But then, on the flip-side, I’ve noticed that when I find something that works, I’ll be very hesitant to make change. And I wonder, is that a good thing or not? Well, stay with me for a second and I’ll answer that but first, a brief story…

I was waiting tables at a restaurant part-time for some lunch shifts for the past six years. It fit my schedule, I liked the people there and it was comfortable. I knew what to expect and it worked in my life. I never really re-evaluated though if this was truly the best place for me to be. But then, forces of nature beyond my control made me re-evaluate what I wanted. I was laid off with practically no notice and so change was thrust upon me.

Now I actually like working in restaurants. I love food and wine. I love the atmosphere. I love the whole idea of people meeting and talking over food and having good conversation. I’m Italian, it’s part of our culture. I love innovation and creativity in the food and work space and basically, I feel at home in restaurants. But in hindsight, while I loved my last job, it wasn’t the most efficient choice I could have made for myself. It worked though so it was easy to stay.

But then, when I found myself in the position of having no choice but to leave it, while I wasn’t thrilled initially, I started to realize it wasn’t such a bad thing.

Change is great and I liked the idea of making a change but I didn’t want to make a change just for the sake of change. I needed more than that.

And that’s when I realized, change is good. But efficiency is better.

When I decided I could have been using my time in a much more positive way for my life, this forced change became one of the best things that could have happened to me. I started writing more and looking for a new restaurant that would better fit my wants and needs. And now here I am, three months later with a children’s book written and new employment that is beyond exciting and challenging and thoroughly inspiring.

Though I like change, I was never prompted to make it because my life worked. Perhaps though, a good way to think about change is not just simply asking oneself if change is needed but rather asking if change will bring more efficiency to your life. And just to be clear, efficiency means (thanks to my beloved Apple dictionary) “achieving maximum productivity with minimum wasted effort or expense, working in a well-organized and competent way.”

So go ahead and ask yourself – would change make my life more efficient?

If the answer is yes, perhaps you may want to make a change. For me, I’ve now found…

Change is good, but Efficiency is better.

Timing

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I’m sure it’s safe to say that most of us, if not all, have heard the expression “timing is everything”.

Today, I’m pretty sure that not only is there truth in that but it was likely first said by someone who realized that life is like a puzzle, and there are moments that come together and fit perfectly to create a whole. I think we finish a ton of puzzles throughout our lifetime, some many more than others, but I also think timing has a lot to do with them.

I recently lost a job all the while dealing with the fact that my latest film has been rejected from the majority of film festivals I’ve submitted it too. (For those who don’t know, filmmaking is my life.) And while it would be very easy to get depressed about these two things, I’ve been trying incredibly hard to stay positive.

But I’ve had some help.

Is it a coincidence that I just happen to find a guy who I genuinely want to know and be with right before I lose a job that I enjoyed very much? Now while the fact I lost the job makes me sad, it’s hard to stay that way after meeting someone who makes me so happy.

But okay, I chalk it up to a coincidence and leave it at that.

Tonight, however, makes me think it might not just be happenstance…

As mentioned, I’ve been thinking a lot about my films, which isn’t that surprising since I probably think about them 90% of my day, but in particular, I’ve been thinking about my latest film which has yet to play a festival. It deals with the topic of individual responsibility for oneself. Those who are avid fans of my films, cheer me on and tell me to keep doing what I’m doing (though give me constructive criticism as well,) but it’s been hard because I know I make films that are not going to appeal to the masses. While there is definite room in the cinematic marketplace for escapism films, they seem to be all the rage and I by no means make them.

Today, I was cleaning out my office and came upon a DVD of a film called “Think of Me”. I looked it up on IMDB and saw that Lauren Ambrose was in it. I’m a huge fan of hers from her work in “Six Feet Under” so that was enough to get me to play it. I popped it in and settled back with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of wine and some diet coke on ice. I was hooked within ten minutes. And captivated until the end. I had tears in my eyes and I don’t cry at movies unless they somehow connect with me, deeply, on a human level. This film did and chances are, next to no one has heard of it.

Timing.

This is the EXACT film I needed to see right now. It was beautiful, courageous, honest, real and thoughtful. And the fact that it was made gives me such hope that I have a renewed energy about making the films I make. Sure, these films may not reach the audiences or profit level that a film like “The Avengers” might but I realize I don’t care. Artists stay true to themselves and I believe there IS an audience for honest work based in reality.

Timing may not be everything but damn, it sure it is something.

To try

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Have you ever heard of this idea or question or whatever you call it, that goes something like this:

Try to pick up that pencil. Either you do or you don’t. There is no try.

Well, it’s always stayed with me. I think I heard it in a film but I can’t be entirely sure of that. Regardless, I have been one who has thought trying wasn’t good enough. Either you do or you don’t. But what if trying is the doing? What then?

I’m a filmmaker (for those who don’t know) and I’m greatly trying to get my films out there. It’s been a hard road and sometimes, I get a bit down when I don’t reach the heights I set for each of my films or my career as a whole for that matter. There have been wonderful moments, like playing at a festival and then having someone from the audience come up to me to talk about my film, but there’s also been really sad moments, such as recently, when my latest film gets one rejection after the next. So sometimes, I struggle with keeping my positivity in check.

But I try.

I try to keep the faith. I try to stay on track. I try to keep moving forward. I try to get my life to a place I want it to be. I try to find someone to share it with. I try to see reality. I try to be honest. I try to love. I try to treat others with respect. I try to be creative in all that I do. I try to understand everything I can. I try to be conscious. I try to make my one opportunity at life be everything I want it to be.

I try. But sometimes, I don’t succeed.

And with this trying, comes some depression, hardship, anxiety, reality battling my dreams, dealing with the truth, deciding what I will accept or not accept from others, figuring out if there’s someone out there I could love and could love me back…

But still, I try. And I will try for as long as I can breathe.

In a beautifully written moment in my favorite new show BOARDWALK EMPIRE, the main character says to the woman he’s with after she starts to realize he has a dark side, “We all have to decide for ourselves how much sin we can deal with.” Wow. Poignant. But maybe it’s applicable here also. Perhaps we all just have to figure out what we’re willing to try and not.

Sure, you may be able to pick up a pencil. That’s easy. But some things, like going after your dream job or finding your true love, aren’t so easy. So you have to try. And you might not succeed but maybe, just maybe, the trying is enough.

I don’t know, but at least I’m trying to figure it out…

mortality

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I am watching “Breaking Bad” and have become hooked. Great show. Unbelievable writing, acting, direction… I don’t watch much television. In fact, I probably turn it on once a week, but that’s taking into account I watch television shows after the fact when they come out on DVD or will try to catch up on hulu.com if it’s something I enjoy while I’m eating or something, like The Office (though without Micheal Scott, they reallllllly need to call it a day.)

Anyway, as I watch “Breaking Bad”, I am reminded of the importance of life and how at any moment it can be taken from us, whether it be from cancer, criminal activity, accident, happenstance or just dumb luck. And the only moment we have is the one we are currently in. That said, this blog is not written with the intent of being morbid, but rather with the intention to wake people from the living dead.

The living dead.

What a waste.

Look around. It’s easy to see many people just going through the motions like a robot, doing what the think they should be but not what they actually want, almost as if they are just trying to make it to the next day, without feeling anything. I don’t know about you, but this saddens me when I see it. And if you haven’t noticed it, perhaps it’s because you are one of the living dead.

Life itself is THE “once in a lifetime opportunity” so how can it be wasted so easily??

I don’t get it. Fortunately, I was raised by parents who encouraged me to go after my dreams and I will be forever grateful but I also had to come to my own conclusions that I didn’t want to just settle for what others thought was best or for what one was “supposed” to do, especially to fit within societal mores.

Now, this is not to imply everyone should feel similar or think just like me. Not at all. What’s important to one person may not be important to the next, and that’s completely okay, provided no one forces ANYTHING upon another person. (Protection from that is actually what government is for, but I digress…) If you’re happy working on a corn field in Iowa, then by all means, go get yourself a job on one and enjoy! If you’re happy having ten children with your high school sweetheart, more power to you!

The point is to find what IS important to you, what motivates you, what you are truly passionate about and love with every inch of you being and GO AFTER THAT.*

Life can be taken at any moment, regardless of how careful one lives, but one can fight with all their might not to be the cause of their own death through the choices they make and also, not to go down without living the life one wants to live.

It’s NEVER too late until you take your last breath.

You have one chance before death comes and that is your life. Are you making the most of it?

I find it’s a good question to ask myself…

* (Again, I must point out this does not include use of force on any other person to achieve anything you want.)