life

Road Tripping Day 5

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For day 5, we decided to head out to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina, for a fun day in the Atlantic Ocean. We’re staying in North Carolina with my husband’s biological mother (he was adopted but has since found his birth mother and she is one of the coolest women I’ve ever met!) and the drive to Myrtle isn’t too long.

Once there, I couldn’t believe how different the Atlantic and the Pacific coastlines are from each other. Truly different.

The big difference was how WARM the water was. Anyone who has been to the Pacific Ocean can tell you that on a good day, you don’t freeze your ass off when putting your feet in. The Atlantic felt like a natural spa.

Then, the lifeguard stands. The one’s along the Pacific are towers complete with direct lines to the Coast Guard. The Atlantic. Well… look above for the picture. It’s a chair, that looks like it should be at a pool.

There is no roar of the waves since they are small and little and make you want to jump right in. Unfortunately, the rip tide was in full swing so we couldn’t go too far out (or the lifeguard would blow his whistle!)

And then the seashells! They’re everywhere and I collect them so I was a bit in heaven. Scooping some up for my own collection and the one my nephew keeps, I ended with nearly a bag of interesting looking shells and rocks that one doesn’t find easily on the west coast.

The wind offered a warm breeze as my husband and I strolled along the little boardwalk there and at that moment, I couldn’t imagine being anywhere else. It was a little slice of heaven.

In the end, I found the Atlantic coast to be more like a kitty cat compared to the lion that is the Pacific coast.

Till tomorrow….

 

#roadtripping

Road Tripping Day 3

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I’m finding that there is definitely something special about getting out of dodge that goes beyond the trip itself.

I have no idea what day of the week it is. And I don’t mind.

Leaving town has taken me out of my routine and damn, I like it.

Routine by definition means a fixed schedule, but life around you doesn’t run on one so why should you?

Hitting the open road has enabled me to be much more in the moment rather than in my own head, trying to get to the next thing on my to-do list. It’s helped me get to know my husband better through new experiences and situations. And it’s allowed me to see what I miss from my routine and question if it’s actually something I should be missing.

Hmmmmm……

Now look, I get it. It’s good to keep a routine precisely because life doesn’t, allowing one to control as much as possible. But while I understand this importance of routine,  I’m only now realizing the importance of interrupting it.

True learning is not about facts,
but about conscious appreciation
of the experience of living.
– Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Till tomorrow…

 

 

#roadtripping

Road Tripping Day 2

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Today, we spent the entire day with my husband’s mother and it was such a pleasure to sit and just be, present in the moment with the woman who raised the man I ended up marrying.

She is a gem and I couldn’t be any luckier to have this woman in my life. Seriously. She’s not online so this isn’t being written to score any points :)

Tonight, my husband and I stepped outside at ten at night to take a walk in the backwoods of central florida. I mean, straight up backwoods where a mile away there’s a sign to leave the bears alone.

Yeeeeeaaah.

Probably not the best idea to take a stroll under the pitch-black sky. After maybe twenty steps and we couldn’t see our hands in front of our faces, we turned back around.

But before stepping inside the house, we paused. And thank the heavens we did. I discovered something tonight…

Nature has an orchestra.

And it is unbelievable. From crickets to frogs to owls to sounds belonging to who knows what. There was a melody that sounded like music to my ears. Unbelievable.

Surreal.

Ethereal.

But before we could ponder it all, a very loud noise sounded too close for comfort, so in we went. Quickly.

But man, was that something. I always believed nature speaks if you listen but tonight I learned it sings too.

Till tomorrow…

 

#roadtripping

 

 

Am I an asshole?

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I need a lot of alone time.

Definitely more than the average person and probably even more than the person who thinks they need a lot of alone time. Ask anyone who has lived with me, dated me or well, tried to get to know me.

I’m not saying this as some badge of honor. Oh no. It’s a problem and I know that.

But it’s me.

I like to spend time alone. I need it. As weird as it sounds, I’m still getting to know myself and without time alone, I don’t feel entirely free to do that.

Is this different from others? Or am I just more vocal about it? I seriously don’t know but hell, I’m coming clean on my blog right now.

I need a lot of alone time.

Do you?

Someone once said that if you can’t spend time alone, than you’re hiding something from yourself. Wait… Is that just a thought I had from all my philosophy study? I seriously don’t know. But I struggle with original thought when I study from the masters. Are we not to build upon them though?

I digress….

I need a lot of alone time.

But what do you do when that need hurts those you love?

Which side do you fulfill…?

Pause for a moment.

Today, I was talking to my father. Not about this. Not at all literally BUT in the conversation we were having, he asked something about living in reality….

And I was struck!

(Not the first time my father said a statement seemingly simple and yet, so therapeutic….)

Have I adapted to the fact that I am no longer living as one? Married, you are living as two. Individuals, yes. But choices no longer are your own because of the commitment you’ve made to another individual…

What then, if you need alone time?

Is that selfish?

Are you an asshole?

What say you?

Structure

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As a freelance writer/filmmaker who waits tables three nights a week, my schedule is all over the place. I find myself working at random hours, any day of the week, and the line between work and play is often blurred because of this.

This morning, while on a walk at the beach thinking about the changes I want to make in my life and myself, it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I need more structure.

This minimal-schedule of mine that changes weekly is no longer working for me. And it’s time to change that.

So on Monday, I’ll be starting a new job.

In my home office.

My hours will be 10 – whenever I have to go the restaurant M/T/W and 10 – 8 TH/F. (yes, 10am because come on, there are perks to working from home.) Weekends will vary but I will try to use that time for errands, a second yoga class, seeing family and friends and well, anything else I want while balancing work occasionally.

My loving husband is fully onboard, which is great because he also works from home…. (perhaps that will be a future blog…hehe)

Isn’t it interesting how we change over time?

I once thought the lack of structure in my schedule kept my creative juices flowing and allowed me to work whenever and wherever I wanted but I don’t think that any longer. In fact, if I’m being honest with myself, it has likely hurt my focus and attention.

Stay tuned for more info about my new job. Will I love the schedule or hate it? Will it help my focus and work productivity level? Will it help me break bad habits by no longer blurring work and play? Will it overall make me a better person?

Will it make me happy?

I don’t expect to find answers right away but please, join me as I share my discoveries in future blog posts. And feel free to come along for the ride with your own changes and keep me posted in the comments!

 

Two Strangers

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I was waiting in line at a store today when I heard a lady behind me talk loudly to the gentleman she was with. She smiled at a child who walked by with a giant painted decorative Easter egg and exclaimed, “That’s a big egg!”

She caused a few stares. And her clothes made one wonder if she lived on the street. The gentleman she was with answered her questions calmly as she looked in awe at the candy selection near checkout. Her face looked like a face of a forty-year old but her behavior was like that of a ten-year old.

“Oh! Can we go to Best Buy after this?” she asked the person she was with.

He looked into their cart and said maybe they should’t today with all this already. He said they wouldn’t have much room. She agreed and moved on to checking out the chewing gum.

“Your purse is open.”

I turned and realized she was talking to me.

“Oh, thank you! I didn’t realize,” I replied, zipping up my purse pocket.

“You know, you’ve got to be careful. People can get near you and take something and you don’t even know it!” she said, warning me.

“Yes, you’re right. Thanks again. I appreciate it,” I said, smiling at both her and the man she was with. He just stared at me before she continued.

“The other day, someone had some money on a table and another person tried to take it. I saw it and I told him not to do it.”

“Really?” I asked, as the line moved up.

“Oh yeah. He tried to grab it when she wasn’t looking. And you know what?”

“What?” I said, getting into her story.

“He called me stupid.”

“What? Why on Earth…”

“I know. He said I was stupid for stopping him.”

I looked straight into her dark black eyes and said, “You know what? You are not stupid for stopping someone from stealing. In fact, you are very smart. What you did was great. He’s the one who is stupid.”

She looked at me and gave me the biggest smile, feeling very proud.

“Yeah. He’s stupid. Not me.”

My husband, who was shopping in a store next door, came in and asked for the credit card because he forgot his wallet. I quickly handed it to him so he could get back to the register.

When he left, my new friend asked me, “Is that your brother?”

I laughed. “No. That was my husband.”

She looked at me in awe and exclaimed, “No way, you’re too young to be married.”

I’m not going to lie. As I near forty, comments like this one put a smile on my face.

It was my turn for the next register. As I left the line, I told my new friend to have a great day.

“You too!” she said.

Just two strangers, making each other feel good.

 

La vita non è giusta (Life is not fair)

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My father told me a story many years ago about his father and I channel it every time I feel dejected.

Only my father can tell this story appropriately, but I will try to do it justice in honor of my grandfather, may he rest in peace.

One afternoon, my eighteen-year old father found himself spilling out all the ways the world had wronged him to his own father, a Sicilian hard-working immigrant. He told his tales of woe as my grandfather smoked his cigarette and listened. After my father was done expressing his suffering, my grandfather looked at him, inhaled a long drag from his cigarette and said to his son,

“La vita non è giusta.”

Life is not fair.

Those seemingly simple words have stayed with me from the moment my father told me this story.

Life is not fair.

My latest film has been rejected from fourteen film festivals so far. I’m 0-14. It’s out to dozens of others but no filmmaker likes to read the oh-so-generic “rejection” letters. They start to get me down. I start to question things – Do I think this film should be screened? Did I do the best job I could? Is it as honest as possible? Should people see it? Does it have something to say that is worth hearing? ………

But then, amid that noise, I hear my grandfather’s voice…

La vita non è giusta.

He’s right. It isn’t.

But so be it. What am I gonna do – cry about it or try to fight for what I want?

Today, as I was thinking about how hard it is to get screening time at festivals, I saw a little slice of nature that reminded me growth was possible despite the odds.

And so, to my friend in the picture above, my father and my grandfather, I thank you. You keep me going…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What we talk about when we talk about love

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The other day, a friend asked me if I had been to Sicily, the place where my parents were born and the root of my culture. I said “no, not yet” and it made me think of something…

First, a little background.

My husband is not from the state we live in. While I have my immediate family here and have had a life in Los Angeles for the past thirty years, my husband has not. His family and friends are on the east coast but his passion for music and the Pacific Ocean led him out west. (Thankfully!)

A little over a year into our relationship, we decided to step things up a notch. We moved in together. And we wanted me to meet his parents. At that time, roundtrip flights to Orlando were going to cost us nearly a thousand dollars. Having just moved in together and needing to pay for a few surprise expenses like car work and dental bills, we did not have an extra thousand to spend.

A little more background.

I am Sicilian, as most my readers know, and going to Sicily has been on my goal list for as long as I can remember. I have a ton of family there and when I was single, I was planning to go visit there for a month. I had been saving up my frequent flier miles for a round trip ticket for almost a decade.

Then, I met my husband and though I was able to take the trip for the first time in my life, I had postponed it because I wanted to get to know him and felt like something magical was happening.

It was indeed and flash forward back to where we were… moved in and wanting to go to Florida so I could meet his parents but lacking in the funds department.

I went online and looked up how many miles I would need for two round trip tickets to Orlando. It was the exact amount for my Sicilian trip.

Though this even surprised myself, I immediately offered them to be used to fly to Florida. My husband insisted I not give up my trip but I was steadfast on the idea and ultimately, he accepted the gift.

We went to Florida and had the most wonderful of trips. His parents were an absolute pleasure and welcomed me in with open arms, thrilled to see their son and I in love.

I had zero regrets on using those miles. And that’s when I realized I was deeply in love with him and my priorities had shifted. Though Sicily is extremely high on my list, he’s higher.

Six months later, my husband’s father fell ill and passed away.

And that was when I realized those miles were never meant for Sicily.

Countdown till Christmas –1 days to go!

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I apologize for the delay in posting this last post of my countdown till Christmas but my husband is a follower of my blog (and one of my biggest fans, which I am grateful for!) and I didn’t want him to see this until after I gave him the surprise. …

It’s been a fun filled Christmas Eve and I hope you have had one as well. My husband and I exchanged presents today as tomorrow is all about exchanging with family. One of the presents I gave him was homemade, as I believe in giving him one every year. Today, I wanted to do something special for him as he makes my life special in ways I could never have imagined.

Today, I made him a framed collage of the first four and half years we’ve known each other. And he was very happy with it :)

And I want to thank the universe that I was fortunate enough to find my soulmate. We are vastly different and yet extremely alike. He teaches me everyday and helps make me a better person. I hope I do the same for him. He challenges me and yet allows me to be the curious thinker that I am. I believe I’ve done something right to have met this amazing tall, dark and handsome man. (Seriously, when I first met him, I thought he was waaaayyy out of my league ;) but he chose me!)

So, in ending this ten day countdown I’d like to wish you a Merry Christmas and good night. May you find love and peace in your lives, whatever that means for you.

“Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.”
– Lao Tzu

Yin and Yang

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Yin and Yang. Opposite forces working together. I often think of this when I come across pessimism, which sadly, seems to be a lot these days.

I’m a filmmaker, as my readers know, and I’ve been in the throws of finishing my latest short film. This past year has been insane for me. I, in all seriousness, got married, changed jobs, directed/produced/edited my seventh film to date and moved – all within the past twelve months.

I’m not complaining. But I am proof that people can do what they need to do if they believe. There will ALWAYS be a thousand and one obstacles and reasons why something will be hard and/or challenging or have 1/100 odds.

But that’s the good stuff. That’s the gooey part of life that tests us. That shows us what we’re made of. That makes you either believe in yourself or think you aren’t good enough.

And lately, I’ve been thinking about this.

When other people tell me that I shouldn’t try for Sundance, I’m truly baffled. And I kid you not, I’ve had more than one person say there’s no reason to go for it. I don’t know anyone there… They’ve already decided… The fee is expensive… And blah, blah, blah….

Look, I know the odds are against me. I know every filmmaker and their mother wants to screen at Sundance because it makes careers. I understand it’s late in the game.

But I also know I wrote a letter to the programmer asking for an extension because I wanted my film to look its best and I was given one. I know that when you bet against the odds, the rewards are much greater. I understand that not everyone will like my film but I’d be a fool not to try to get it in front of as wide of an audience as possible. I believe in it. I believe in me. I believe in my work.

And when people tell me I’m a fool for going after something that only a few achieve, I use it to balance my belief that if you don’t try, then you can never achieve it. (Explains a lot of the frustration in the world, no?)

Yin and Yang.

Without darkness, there would be no light.

But it’s up to us to choose on what to focus….