Failure?

I failed.

My intentions were the very best; I did not want this to happen. At all.

But. Then. In all seriousness, what does that really mean? I still didn’t do as I had intended and stated I would. So, yes, in essence (and in actual truth no matter how you look at it) I failed.

Whewww…. That’s hard for me to say. And write. But it’s true.

Now, for those of you who read my blog regularly, this is about my June (and eventually July) “Happiness and Love” blog project in which I was to spread happiness and love through a planned list of things for the whole month of June.

This isn’t the first time I would do such a project but man, it was the first I wouldn’t finish. And that’s not easy for me to swallow about myself.

In my defense, I got busy. Things started coming up. Business. Personal. Emotional. Philosophical.

My world was spinning and I was juggling and well… my blog wasn’t as high on my priority list as I would have liked it to be. I placed it a little lower than it has been in the past and spent my time on some other things. I admit it. But I failed you, my readers. And… I failed myself.

My June/July project didn’t come to fruition. And I am the reason for it.

Priorities. It’s tough sometimes to decide what needs to be handled and in what order. But since there are only so many hours in the day, things need to fall on the B-List. Whether it’s goals, chores, deadlines or even friendships, we all need to make choices as to what we will spend our time on and in what order. And let me tell you, while going after a career such as that of being a filmmaker, time is of essence and VERY precious. Not an excuse, but a reason why some are forced to sacrifice things they wish they didn’t have too…

Anyway. Long story short. I failed at my blog. And I apologize to my readers. I hope the two weeks I did complete helped spread love and happiness and I will continue to try to do so in my daily life. But still, I said I was going to do something and didn’t. I’m sorry.

But if it’s any consolation, (probably just to me, I imagine, but nonetheless…) while I was not writing my blog, I was taking care of business and my last short film has found some distribution while my writing is getting very close to being realized on the big screen in a feature format with me at the helm of the ship, sooooo…… stay tuned.

And please, keep spreading love and happiness. Karma can be a wonderful thing :)

I’ve never bought a vaccum cleaner.

In a little over three hours, the day will be August 14, 2012 and I will turn thirty-five years old.

Yesterday, I was at a friend’s house and she, myself and her house guest from the UK were hanging out before everyone sat down for dinner. We were just chatting and my friend mentioned her “Dyson”. I had no idea what she was talking about and therefore, said “your what?” Both she and her friend from the UK, who had obviously heard a lot about this, exclaimed “The Vacuum Cleaner!” I capitalize it because they both sounded like Dyson was THE ONLY vacuum cleaner. I quickly said, “Oh yeah, the one you showed me before.” As my friend got up to show me it again, I was struck with a thought and said it out loud:

“I’m turning thirty-five in two days and I’ve never bought a vacuum cleaner. Is that odd?

Everyone paused for a moment and then, the guy from the UK said, “No, that’s a good thing.”

I smiled.

For the past ten or so years, I’ve made a list on my birthday of the things I want to accomplish in the next year. I seal it and then don’t look at it until my next birthday. It’s fun. Seriously. Try it. Kinda fascinating to see what a year-ago-you was thinking about, and then how much it’s strayed or stayed the same…

Anyway, I typically list about five to seven things and then when I open it the following year, I’ll see I’ve accomplished about three to four of them. Decent numbers I think, considering how easy it is to plan and how much more difficult it is to actually follow through and do.

But this year, I thought I’d do something a bit different. Instead of making the list and sealing it for no one’s eyes to see but my own a year later, I decided to write it here, on my blog, and then a year later, I’ll read it and write what I’ve done or not. This added pressure of having to reveal to others what I have or have not done will be an interesting motivator for me. (And If you could care less, I completely understand but do suggest you not read the blog post I write a year from today.)

Now, on to the list…

THINGS TO ACCOMPLISH DURING 35

– get a publisher for the children’s book myself and my friend are writing

– shoot my next short film (which is already written)

– finish this short and have it ready to be out to festivals starting Sept. 1

– continue to fight for individual freedom

– find the one

exercise!

For those who have been following my month of deciding to incorporate exercise into my life, I hope I don’t disappoint you too much. For those who haven’t, please see my former blogs exercise? and exercise. for a recap of my exercise adventure.

Soooo…. I meant well and I didn’t exactly fail at it, but I didn’t fulfill my goal as much I would have liked.

Here’s the truth. I wanted to exercise three times a week but in reality, I pretty much did it once a week.

Here’s what happened. I hate routine. I really do. No excuses but at first I thought I could do it every Tuesday, Friday and Sunday and after the first week of that, I thought to myself, “Christina, you hate routine. Just do it any three days out of the week.” So the second week, I altered the days and then forgot when exactly the new week began and the old one ended and what days I did it and so on…

But I did keep exercising, sort of, if once a week counts? In my world, I’ve decided it does.

Yes, I set a goal but then determined it was wrong for me and so… I changed it. Roll with the punches right? I try not to be too rigid but I also try not to give up. So, I’ve decided this…

I like jogging/power walking and doing body crunches (who knew!) So, I’ve altered my goal to fit my needs and it’s this – exercise at least once a week, try not to eat carbs after ten at night (I love sandwiches and work late so this one is especially hard for me) and walk as much as possible.

Three days a week? It just isn’t me. If I was trying to drastically lose weight or something, I’d be more rigid but the reality is I’ve already lost about three pounds doing just this and that’s enough for now so it’s just about being healthy and that’s something I want to do everyday. In particular, less Diet Coke, I’m down to about one a day on most days, less carbs, more cardio, more walking rather than driving if possible, less sugar and wine and stretching every day.

And you know what, I feel better after this month regardless of routine or not. It took me a bit to find my exercise groove, but I’ve found it and I like it. And it’s here to stay. (But I will write another blog about this six months from now to let you know the latest in my exercise saga…)

kryptonite

For all those who know about Superman, you’ll clearly know about Kryptonite. But for those who have lived on another planet and don’t know what that means, kryptonite is an ore and according to my Wikipedia, “the one weakness of an otherwise invulnerable hero.”

Okay, I know I’m not invulnerable but I’m going to make a comparison here. Seriously, I have my shit together when it comes to my career, my goals, my family and friends. I have made any and all sacrifices I’ve needed to in order to continue making films and I barely bat an eye because I know that it’s exactly what I want in life. I will stand up to any and all who stand in my way and I never balk at confrontation. Ask anyone who knows me. I’m not trying to pat myself on the back, just setting up my argument. The bottom line is, I know what I want and will not settle for anything less…. when it comes to my career.

And as far as family and friends go. Well, I didn’t use to take this seriously but about five or so years ago, I realized how important family and true friends are and I have consciously made a point to be loyal and care about all those who are true to me. I hope I have shown that to those who are close to me but I suppose, you will have to ask them if that is true. I do believe it is.

My personal life in regards to men, however, well… that’s another story. Because I have spent so much time on trying to get my films made, I’ve been able to ignore the personal aspect of my life for quite some time. Having had two long-term boyfriends, one for three years in high school and another for four years in college, I’m able to say that I get what it means to be in a relationship but it’s not a focus of mine. An aspiration, yes. One that will maybe happen one day but if it doesn’t with someone who rocks my world, well, then, it doesn’t. I don’t want anything less. That said, I realize I have a problem. I tend to go for exactly the wrong type of person and today, when one of my friends told me I was being the cliché, it finally hit me. I am f’ed up in this regard. And I need to change my behavior.

Not easy, people. Not easy at all. And I think there are many of us who can relate to partaking in bad behavior with the opposite sex.

Why on earth would one care about someone who doesn’t care about them? Why would anyone ever give the time of day to someone who ignores their thoughts? Why would anyone consider someone who treats them with little respect? It’s crazy, right? I know. Yet, I partook in that behavior. And I’m totally embarrassed and realize that while I may have my shit together in other regards, I have some things to learn in regards to my personal life. I’m glad I won’t settle but I’m not glad I pursue exactly who I shouldn’t. Why would one who treats you bad be on your list of someone worthy of getting to know???

Kryptonite. Some men are this for me. And I need to find my shield to it. Could it just simply be logic?

Damn…

I think it is.