filmmaking

Going the distance.

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I want something badly. Very very badly.

I want to be able to make my films.

I should disclose that I’ve been fortunate enough to have made five short films, most of which received at least some attention at festivals and screenings, but I have yet to make my first feature. It’s written though. And while it’s had the same title for the past ten years, the drafts it’s gone through… oh my! Tens upon tens. But now, it’s finally where I want it to be, or very close HAH, as my writing partner and I fine tune the last act.

And speaking of a writing partner, for the first time since I began my filmmaking career many years ago, I have chosen to write with someone. Never thought I could, or should I say would, but it’s working out and has elevated my feature script to a place I wanted to take it but didn’t on my own. It’s hard to admit that but it’s the truth and I have grown to absolutely love the writing partnership I’ve formed with a friend of mine I’ve known for over ten years. What one of us lacks, the other makes up for and together, we work as a team. We are brutally honest with each other. It’s wonderful. And in addition to this feature, we’ve written a short film that we are dying to make but alas, the funds have not revealed themselves yet. We’ve tried though. For over a year now, we’ve been submitting our short script to every grant app and short film contest we come across that can help us. We got a nice nod from Slamdance as a quarter-finalist in their 2013 Screenplay Competition but other than that, nada.

I refuse to sell my soul. I will not be a filmmaker-for-hire. I come with my project and vice versa. Case closed. I have no interest in making something I don’t whole-heartedly believe in. I work day jobs and make ends meet, so fortunately, I can continue with my plan. That said, I need money to actually make my films. It’s a tough one. I try hard not to shoot union because of all the extra crap that comes along with it but I firmly believe in paying my crew well and being allowed to shoot where I’m shooting. WHERE ARE YOU MONEY?? HOW DO I GET TO YOU??

Right now, my writing partner and I are waiting to hear if a short script we wrote as part of a contest is going to get made. We made it to this point but now, the top five will be selected out of the fifty of us who are waiting to hear…

This part sucks. I feel like I’m always waiting to hear if my film is going to be picked over other ones, whether it be our script or finished product. The waiting is the worst but I suppose if the job was easy, everyone would be doing it and there would be way too many films.

Speaking of which, why are all the movies these days either tent-pole comic book action movies or “small films” that stare Robert DeNiro and Ryan Gosling? Can’t some of us smaller storytellers get a share of the audience without spending a zillion dollars on casting and marketing? What if the only available books were paperback romance novels and comics? Wouldn’t readers demand more choices? Why are moviegoers accepting this or are they not but rather turning to television where the real genius is being used in terms of storytelling (though TV series and films are very different entities.)

Sigh.

Anyway, we should find out by Wednesday. It will either be a day for celebration or yet another “no, thank you” email to add to our overflowing file box.

One day that box is going to grow dust from lack of use. I just hope it’s sooner than later…

Going Solo

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I am someone who loves alone time. I have never had a problem occupying myself and in fact, I down right enjoy my own company. I believe people need time to themselves, or perhaps that’s just me, but I also think it’s good to get out in the world and do things alone, without others you know. Is there not a correlation between confidence and the ability to be and act alone?

Today, I decided to test this a bit. I went into a local Mexican restaurant to have dinner, all by myself. This is something I have done before but not something I do terribly often. It takes a completely secure person to be able to do it and I like testing myself. It forces me to leave my head and partake in the world around me without the comfort blanket of a companion. It teaches me to stand on my own two feet around anyone and also to embrace the solitude of being a human amongst other humans.

So, today, I walked into a Mexican restaurant near my home and sat at the bar alone. Lo and behold, the place was having an amazing happy hour so I ordered a glass of their house Pinot Noir and proceeded to look over the menu before deciding on a chicken quesadilla and taco. I took out my phone to check messages and emails but the gentleman next to me started talking about the restaurant’s great margaritas. I don’t like tequila, and told him that, so he dropped it and moved on to talking about the election tomorrow. I told him I had worked on Ron Paul’s campaign and am a Libertarian more than anything else, letting him know I don’t like either candidate. He expressed his respect for Ron Paul, (something many people do in a way I have yet to see anyone do for any another candidate!) and then he moved on to talking about why he’s going to vote for Obama. Some other patrons at the bar started talking about the measure that’s up for vote for porn stars, to implement mandatory permits for testing and such. It became an interesting conversation and I was enjoying myself. I learned the gentleman sitting next to me was a scientist who went to MIT and had actually invented some method to convert energy into light for wireless communication.  By the end of my meal and conversation, I had given my card to a potential film investor, who had asked for it after I asked if he would ever be interested in financing a film.

All in all, it was a great dinner “alone”. Try it sometime. You never know what could happen…

I’ve never bought a vaccum cleaner.

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In a little over three hours, the day will be August 14, 2012 and I will turn thirty-five years old.

Yesterday, I was at a friend’s house and she, myself and her house guest from the UK were hanging out before everyone sat down for dinner. We were just chatting and my friend mentioned her “Dyson”. I had no idea what she was talking about and therefore, said “your what?” Both she and her friend from the UK, who had obviously heard a lot about this, exclaimed “The Vacuum Cleaner!” I capitalize it because they both sounded like Dyson was THE ONLY vacuum cleaner. I quickly said, “Oh yeah, the one you showed me before.” As my friend got up to show me it again, I was struck with a thought and said it out loud:

“I’m turning thirty-five in two days and I’ve never bought a vacuum cleaner. Is that odd?

Everyone paused for a moment and then, the guy from the UK said, “No, that’s a good thing.”

I smiled.

For the past ten or so years, I’ve made a list on my birthday of the things I want to accomplish in the next year. I seal it and then don’t look at it until my next birthday. It’s fun. Seriously. Try it. Kinda fascinating to see what a year-ago-you was thinking about, and then how much it’s strayed or stayed the same…

Anyway, I typically list about five to seven things and then when I open it the following year, I’ll see I’ve accomplished about three to four of them. Decent numbers I think, considering how easy it is to plan and how much more difficult it is to actually follow through and do.

But this year, I thought I’d do something a bit different. Instead of making the list and sealing it for no one’s eyes to see but my own a year later, I decided to write it here, on my blog, and then a year later, I’ll read it and write what I’ve done or not. This added pressure of having to reveal to others what I have or have not done will be an interesting motivator for me. (And If you could care less, I completely understand but do suggest you not read the blog post I write a year from today.)

Now, on to the list…

THINGS TO ACCOMPLISH DURING 35

– get a publisher for the children’s book myself and my friend are writing

– shoot my next short film (which is already written)

– finish this short and have it ready to be out to festivals starting Sept. 1

– continue to fight for individual freedom

– find the one

Timing

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I’m sure it’s safe to say that most of us, if not all, have heard the expression “timing is everything”.

Today, I’m pretty sure that not only is there truth in that but it was likely first said by someone who realized that life is like a puzzle, and there are moments that come together and fit perfectly to create a whole. I think we finish a ton of puzzles throughout our lifetime, some many more than others, but I also think timing has a lot to do with them.

I recently lost a job all the while dealing with the fact that my latest film has been rejected from the majority of film festivals I’ve submitted it too. (For those who don’t know, filmmaking is my life.) And while it would be very easy to get depressed about these two things, I’ve been trying incredibly hard to stay positive.

But I’ve had some help.

Is it a coincidence that I just happen to find a guy who I genuinely want to know and be with right before I lose a job that I enjoyed very much? Now while the fact I lost the job makes me sad, it’s hard to stay that way after meeting someone who makes me so happy.

But okay, I chalk it up to a coincidence and leave it at that.

Tonight, however, makes me think it might not just be happenstance…

As mentioned, I’ve been thinking a lot about my films, which isn’t that surprising since I probably think about them 90% of my day, but in particular, I’ve been thinking about my latest film which has yet to play a festival. It deals with the topic of individual responsibility for oneself. Those who are avid fans of my films, cheer me on and tell me to keep doing what I’m doing (though give me constructive criticism as well,) but it’s been hard because I know I make films that are not going to appeal to the masses. While there is definite room in the cinematic marketplace for escapism films, they seem to be all the rage and I by no means make them.

Today, I was cleaning out my office and came upon a DVD of a film called “Think of Me”. I looked it up on IMDB and saw that Lauren Ambrose was in it. I’m a huge fan of hers from her work in “Six Feet Under” so that was enough to get me to play it. I popped it in and settled back with a bowl of popcorn, a glass of wine and some diet coke on ice. I was hooked within ten minutes. And captivated until the end. I had tears in my eyes and I don’t cry at movies unless they somehow connect with me, deeply, on a human level. This film did and chances are, next to no one has heard of it.

Timing.

This is the EXACT film I needed to see right now. It was beautiful, courageous, honest, real and thoughtful. And the fact that it was made gives me such hope that I have a renewed energy about making the films I make. Sure, these films may not reach the audiences or profit level that a film like “The Avengers” might but I realize I don’t care. Artists stay true to themselves and I believe there IS an audience for honest work based in reality.

Timing may not be everything but damn, it sure it is something.

To try

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Have you ever heard of this idea or question or whatever you call it, that goes something like this:

Try to pick up that pencil. Either you do or you don’t. There is no try.

Well, it’s always stayed with me. I think I heard it in a film but I can’t be entirely sure of that. Regardless, I have been one who has thought trying wasn’t good enough. Either you do or you don’t. But what if trying is the doing? What then?

I’m a filmmaker (for those who don’t know) and I’m greatly trying to get my films out there. It’s been a hard road and sometimes, I get a bit down when I don’t reach the heights I set for each of my films or my career as a whole for that matter. There have been wonderful moments, like playing at a festival and then having someone from the audience come up to me to talk about my film, but there’s also been really sad moments, such as recently, when my latest film gets one rejection after the next. So sometimes, I struggle with keeping my positivity in check.

But I try.

I try to keep the faith. I try to stay on track. I try to keep moving forward. I try to get my life to a place I want it to be. I try to find someone to share it with. I try to see reality. I try to be honest. I try to love. I try to treat others with respect. I try to be creative in all that I do. I try to understand everything I can. I try to be conscious. I try to make my one opportunity at life be everything I want it to be.

I try. But sometimes, I don’t succeed.

And with this trying, comes some depression, hardship, anxiety, reality battling my dreams, dealing with the truth, deciding what I will accept or not accept from others, figuring out if there’s someone out there I could love and could love me back…

But still, I try. And I will try for as long as I can breathe.

In a beautifully written moment in my favorite new show BOARDWALK EMPIRE, the main character says to the woman he’s with after she starts to realize he has a dark side, “We all have to decide for ourselves how much sin we can deal with.” Wow. Poignant. But maybe it’s applicable here also. Perhaps we all just have to figure out what we’re willing to try and not.

Sure, you may be able to pick up a pencil. That’s easy. But some things, like going after your dream job or finding your true love, aren’t so easy. So you have to try. And you might not succeed but maybe, just maybe, the trying is enough.

I don’t know, but at least I’m trying to figure it out…

I had a dream.

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I had a dream a few nights back that has not left me. Its simplicity in message was like a slap to my face. And I needed it. It was as though my subconscious looked my conscious in the eyes and charged full steam ahead.

Well… my subconscious won. But before I tell the dream, here’s some back-story…

I’ve been a bit down lately because my latest film “Your Move” has yet to play a festival. My confidence has taken a hit. And while I try to remind myself that when I made the all-or-nothing choice of being a filmmaker I accepted rejection, I still struggle with it. And lately, the struggle has been at an all-time high because though I love all my films, I applied everything I learned from them to this one and I feel it deserves to be shown in front of an audience. Alas, it has not though, except for my cast and crew screening which was one of the best nights of my life. But I digress…and there’s more.

While I’m feeling this way about my filmmaking, I also happen to meet a boy whom I really like. He makes me really happy, just being around him and though I feel like I know him, it’s also super exciting learning about him. But, as my readers know, relationships do not come easy for me so I’m struggling. BUT, I have jumped in, sink or swim. Perhaps this dream was trying to help me to not feel so scared about it.

Okay. I had a dream.

And in this dream I was hanging out with some friends but no one in particular whom I can remember. And we were in a place that was very high up and some people where jumping over a cliff and landing in these holes before they reached the ground. Some in my dream thought it was crazy but others were excited and enthusiastically jumping right over the edge. I was on the fence about it, should I? Shouldn’t I? I was worried. But then, I turned to my friend (?) and simply said “I’m going to do it.” We had to weave through people to get to the cliff but once there, I talked myself into it. Pretty much by saying over and over again, “Just do it.” (or something to that effect.) So, I took a deep breath, (I know, cliché, but I really remember doing this in the dream,) and I leaped over the cliff…

I went down in slow motion and made it into the hole. I landed on the ground with both feet (and I swear to God, this image is so crystal clear in my mind that I really wish I could draw.) Not a scratch was on me. I felt great. Then…

I woke up. And I’m pretty sure I had a smile on my face.

I think my subconscious took care of my conscious here and it’s really nice to know it’s looking out for its twin.

Sweet dreams!

Do things happen for a reason?

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As those who know me or follow my blog are well aware, I am not religious (I’m agnostic, actually) and I don’t believe in fate. But lately, I’ve been wondering… do some things happen for a reason? Or is it simply a matter of timing?

Ron Paul came into my life this past year when I was searching desperately for someone who I could believe in and could fight for to become my president. Since I’ve found him, I’ve been motivated to volunteer my time and work hard on his campaign. In the process, I’ve truly learned about what an amazing human he is. And during all this, I’ve been dealing with my career as a filmmaker…

I make films that I know not all people want to see. I wish they would but reality dictates otherwise right now. See, I believe in individual responsibility, in as little government as possible as the Constitution states, in philosophy, in making people think, in drawing out what one doesn’t want to think about. I don’t do it because I want to be different or controversial or antagonistic. I do it because it’s what’s real to me, what’s meaningful to me and what I’m drawn to as a filmmaker. It’s my life. And in effect, it’s my life’s work. But it’s not that popular right now. So, what do I do?

I keep at it.

And I think about the time when these values will appeal to the masses, even if they don’t right now.

And that’s where Ron Paul comes in. I truly wonder about the timing that he’s entered my life. It’s practically Kismet, but I never believed in that. He’s been at it for forty plus years and has never wavered from his principles. He’s braved the masses rejecting him, ridiculing him, ignoring him. But now, his time has come. Not only has he predicted this entire mess we find ourselves in as Americans, with blame belonging to BOTH the right and the left, but he’s resonating with America’s youth because they aren’t okay with the status quo.

It’s the likes of him and people like my parents, two individuals who have never asked for anything from anyone but came to America as legal immigrants and used their own efforts to achieve success and instill responsibility into their children, that I am motivated by to continue making the films I believe in and not succumb to anything but.

It’s a tough road to stand by one’s personal beliefs but when I see people like my parents and Ron Paul, I’m reminded that it’s our beliefs and principals that matter. And while the success of those who feel this way may not happen overnight, what’s important is that they remain true to themselves. Success is defined by each individual…

Perhaps the author of Charlotte’s Web, E.B. White, had it right when he said – “Your whole duty as a writer is to please and satisfy yourself, and the true writer always plays to an audience of one. Start sniffing the air or glancing at the trend machine, and you’re as good as dead, though you may make a nice living.”

A night at the restaurant

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As a filmmaker who is not able to fully support herself from just filmmaking, I work at two other jobs. I’m a reader for a production company and also a server at a bistro, where I work a few lunch shifts a week. But on occasion, I will work a dinner shift to help either my boss or another server and this past weekend, I did just that. One of the things I like about serving is that it offers a wonderful opportunity to people watch and observe human behavior. And that night, I noticed some things, perhaps more so than normal because I wasn’t used to the atmosphere, and I began making a mental list. I later thought, hell, I’ll share these in my blog. So…

Observations from a night at a restaurant:

1. I am not alone in talking with hands. A LOT of people do this.

2. Yes, stereotypes exist but cannot be applied across the board and it’s a wonderful thing to see them be proven wrong.

3. Wine is the drink of choice over dinner for many, red more than white.

4. Hungry people can be scary.

5. Food brings people together.

6. I’m incredibly fortunate to work at such a great restaurant, that actually has great owners who genuinely care about their employees and guests. With all the serving jobs I’ve had in my life, and I’ve had MANY, I can easily say that this one by far takes the prize as THE BEST.

7. It’s never good when one tries to be funny and they’re the only one laughing. Please do your server a favor and don’t put on a show for them. If you’re naturally funny, it will come out without trying so hard.

8. It’s lovely to see people truly enjoying each others company. It’s depressing to see people forcing it.

9. There’s an awesome energy after the last customer leaves for the night and the staff can let their hair down.

 

Sabotage

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“Deliberately destroy, damage, or obstruct (something).”

This is the definition of sabotage, according to… you guessed it, my Apple dictionary, which my blog readers know very well is my go to dictionary for definitions… and new readers will soon learn.

I write today about sabotage because I’ve become aware of the fact that I do this.

TO MYSELF.

And in particular in my relationships with men.

Now, I will choose to draw blood before I do anything harmful to my films or my filmmaking career but when it comes to my personal relationships with men, well…

I’ve recently come to realize that while I may not run from them, and do in fact look for them on occasion, it’s only a matter of time before I out right sabotage them.

My career goals have never been a problem for me. They have been clear, precise, and something I want with all my heart. But my personal romantic goals have been… well, let’s just say a bit more unclear. Now, I should disclose that I’ve had two looooong relationships in life, one in high school (3 years) and one in college (4 years), so I can say that I’ve been on that side of the line and know about it. But since then, and that’s about, to be completely honest, over ten years ago, I haven’t lasted longer than five or so months with someone and even that’s probably pushing it. Now, it’s been easy to ignore since priority number one for me has been my films and my filmmaking career, which let me tell you is not an easy thing to accomplish in life, but as I get more into the swing of things in my field, certain aspects of my behavior in this arena are dawning on me.

Now, I’ve made attempts to date in the past. And I have, with numerous guys. Hell, I’ve even used online dating sites. But nothing has stuck. And this weekend, the reason why hit me.

I sabotage things with men so I won’t get hurt and have to deal with any of it.

I went to a wedding last weekend and met a really attractive and nice guy. So naturally, after talking and dancing with him, I proceeded to drink too much, ignore him and then leave without saying so much as a goodbye. And this isn’t the first time I’ve done such odd behavior around guys. Typically, if you like me, I won’t like you. If you don’t want to be serious, I’ll be serious. If you’re nice, I’ll be mean. If you’re mean, I’ll be nice. If you ignore me, I’ll believe I want to be with you. If you don’t ignore me, I’ll make sure you soon do. It’s all soooooo stupid but I admit, I partook in this behavior and only now, at thirty-four, do I realize that I’ve largely sabotaged my own love life. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I’m not going to get too involved into dwelling on the past. The past is the past and so be it. But the exciting thing is that this knowledge is now going to come in handy in my future, not that I want to marry the next guy I meet but… I’m just going to be me, let the chips fall where they may and not be so scared about dealing with anything. And so, since I’ve learned something priceless, I thought I’d share it with my readers. And this is it…

If things aren’t going your way, seriously, stop. And ask yourself one question:

AM I THE REASON?

Art and its Audience

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I was fortunate enough to be invited to screen one of my films, “Rhythm of Causality”, at the ITSA Film Festival in Northern California this past weekend…

Any time I get to screen my film with an audience, I feel on top of the world. As a filmmaker who is a writer/director, I make the films that are true to me, but I don’t make them to not be shown, so when I have a chance to display them in front of an audience, it’s a wonderful treasure since it’s quite difficult to have such an opportunity…

I held a cast and crew screening of my latest short, “Your Move”, which will be heading out on the 2012 film festival circuit shortly. While I was thinking of what I wanted to say to the talented cast and crew I worked with, I came to the conclusion that we are all artists, in our various crafts, coming together to create my vision of this film.

But what is an artist? Is it simply someone who creates art? But what is art? Is it subjective?

Once again going to my handy Apple dictionary, art by definition is “the expression or application of human creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form…”

Well… that could be taken many ways and I suppose that is something beautiful about art.

It IS subjective.

What one person finds to be art, another may find to be trash. Art is in the eye of the beholder… but it’s also in the eye of the creator.

I find that it can get complicated when one chooses to be an artist. You may make the art that is true to you but without an audience, where does it go? What happens to it? How do you make a living? I used to think those questions were irrelevant, that an artist (whether one is a filmmaker, painter, musician, etc) should only create what is meaningful to them and to hell with those who don’t understand, but then, reality set in and I realized, while that may be at the essence of artwork, the audience must be taken into consideration because ultimately, they are the ones who will carry on an artist’s work.

Now, that brings the question of what an audience means. Is it the masses? Everyone? Or is it a select few?

I believe an honest artist should create artwork that is true to him/herself, realize an audience is part of the process and take it into consideration while not allowing it to be the reason to create anything false and then let the chips fall where they may. If it finds an audience, wonderful. If it doesn’t, an artist can question why that is and think about it… deciding whether or not they want to change, according to their own beliefs.

After making several films and screening in front of various audiences, I’ve come to the conclusion that I am only capable of making films (which is my artwork of choice) that I believe in, that mean something to me, that are true to what I want to represent and create but at the same time, I’m very aware of the fact that an audience will be the recipient of such artwork. So, I learn from them and apply what I’ve learned to my artwork, all the while staying true.

And you know what, the collaboration I have with my cast and crew has now added a third member, and that’s its AUDIENCE.